DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

[wonder1ng]

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

Can't you just assign the next child female at birth?

Genitals not important, shurely?

My friend is the fourth girl in a family of five children, fifth was a boy. She recently said to me that she was he fourth disappointment before her parents got their boy. I wouldn't want any of my children to ever feel like that.

Op I'm kind of in the same boat although I have less boys...'only' 3 so far!

I always wanted boys so I was really pleased when ds1 was a boy, more so when Ds2 was a boy and ecstatic when ds3 (our agreed final child) was also a boy.

I felt a bit sorry for dh (although he doesn't feel sorry at all, he's thrilled with the boys) because I know he would have loved a girl too but I've never been bothered myself.

However, ds3 is 6 months and as time goes on I'm starting to think 'what if' and that it would maybe be nice to also have a daughter. Dh has hinted at the same and his hints are getting more blatant as time goes on.

I'm not a girly, princess type person at all so I think it's unfair to assume that's the only reason anyone could want a girl . There's a special family name I would love to use but it's very feminine.

I also look at dh and our boys and it's as if dh has single handedly grown his own tribe of identical little clones...there's nothing of me in them looks-wise and they're all almost identical to dh. All massive too and likely to tower over me just as dh does. Although there's no guarantee a girl would look like me, I think there's a higher chance maybe and I do wonder what it's like to have a child that resembles you!

Anyway...I'm also torn and in the 'don't push your luck/stretch finances' camp but keep thinking what if.

Hi op,

My aunt had 8 boys and one girl

But the unsaid factor for me is, what if the new baby is born with special needs, that's a whole other level of stress and worry.

Yes that's a very good point about the DGDs!
I'm really torn between feeling like it's pushing my luck and also if we're going to go for it, it would need to be sooner rather than later. Also, DH can be quite persuasive and it's hard to separate out how I feel sometimes. It's weighing up the idea against the reality for me, I guess.
I'm very lucky that none of ours have behavioural problems, but the twins are very full on and much as I love them, I can't tell you the feeling I get when I've dropped them off for 3 mornings a week - it's like walking on air, just going for a hands-free coffee! I don't think DH gets that fully and I do think he has quite stereotypical notions about a girl which may not be reality, despite anything he says.

PleaseDont As their genetics are no longer identical, they are not identical twins.
They may be monozygotic, but you could also argue they aren't boy/girl.

No, your updates say it all - the answer has to be no.

He's just a pushy one who is totally used to getting his own way and can't quite even imagine the real deal - because he's never there to see it.

Just say no. And in the meantime, also say that if you accidentally fell pregnant and it was a girl, you already have all the names picked out and they have nothing to do with his mum

There's more than a hint of 'empire building man with brood mare' here OP. He needs a sharp tap on the nose. Don't feel guilty. No-one should EVER try and persuade someone to have a baby, and that's what he's doing to you, and HE doesn't feel guilty at all! Your life would change utterly and he's totally blase about it. DON'T feel guilty. Tell him it's a flat no. You've done more than enough and now is your time, you'll be planning to return to work soon so unless he wants to sell the company, adopt a girl and be a SAHD to her and the others, then for once someone else's needs take priority.

For me I’d be feeling like I wanted more quality time with the older Child before he hits teens. If you have another baby you’ll be chasing toddlers till your eldest is nearly 11!
That might be ok with you but I love hanging out with primary age boys, and would want to be cycling, exploring and adventuring with them while they still want to hang out with their Mum.

Have two aunts with 5 boys and another with 5 girls. I would not do it.

It doesn’t sound like you want to.

Think about it some more, see if you can get some time where he doesn’t talk about it and see if you think with more clarity about what you want.

It really is to have a girl though and it’s a roll of the dice.

Also, DH can be quite persuasive and it's hard to separate out how I feel sometimes.

Yep, he's really quite manipulative. This is quite bad, really - a good partner would never push something like this. A good partner knows instinctively that it HAS to be a joint decision. He cares about you, and the family and their wellbeing, just a shade less than he cares about himself.

and I do think he has quite stereotypical notions about a girl which may not be reality, despite anything he says.

This is the other thing I think you should think about. Now, from everything that you've said here, I think your DH is very likely to be a really quite bad parent to a girl. And in being that, he'd soon become a less good parent to your boys, too. Have a good think about that, OP. The signs are all there that if you were to have a girl, she'd end up being Golden Girl compared to the boys - Golden Girl in her gilded cage, maybe? If there's one thing worse than an emotioanlly manipulative daddy for a little girl, it's one who sees her as his 'princess' who has to be everything his stereotypical, slightly misogynistic outlook tells him she should be. While your sons look on from the sidelines, quite possibly. You can see this, surely? He manipulates you after all!

Don't do it. You're happy. I have a really strong feeling that it could end up being a huge regret, no matter what sex the baby is.

@pisacake

Nothing wrong with 5 dc. It's not difficult at all to find time for all of them even if your dh is away a lot, so long as you are a ftm. However, it does have to be your choice. Don't let him bully you into it.

Everything you write says you shouldn't do it!!! I have 4 girls, very into their sports rather than biscuit and card making...

They are in teens now, it's much harder now than when they were little. You get no evenings, no me time and so on!!

He is being very U.

I have two boys and I'd quite like a girl.
But three children seems ott to me so we're not having any more.

What would happen if number 5 was a boy?
Will you have this connversation again, where he wants to go for number 6 on the off chance it is a girl? And repeat ad nauseum till you pop out a girl?
And like a previous poster said, would he favour this girl over her brothers(coz it sounds like he would). It sounds like he would pander to her to the extent that she would be completely spoilt, and you would have to be the "nasty" parent.
I tend to think if you are posting here , your feelings are no- you don't want a fifth. Four children is a lot, especially with twins. Say no. And if you rely on him for contraception, change the method to something else.

another one here whose third suffered a birth injury and has cerebral palsy as a result. having a child with a disability is always hard, and having a child with a disability when you already have a number of other children leads to all sorts of additional concerns. when dc3 was born the other two were pre-schoolers. balancing siblings needs when you have a child that requires multiple specialist appointments every week is virtually impossible. I still remember the guilt of forgetting dressing up day at dc1's nursery because i was tied up with a hospital appointment with dc3. some lovely key worker found her a crown and a cape out of the nursery dressing up box so she was fine, but you remember the little failures when you let your kids down. no doubt your dh would say that the others would gain other immeasurable skills due to having a sibling with additional needs. that may well be true, but it still doesn't stop the guilt at having to prioritize one child over the rest.

I think you should decide if you want another child not because you might get a girl.
I have 4 great boys and I was very happy with my boys and then I found out I was pregnant with baby number 5 as it turned out I had a girl.
She is lovely and funny and adorable but oh my god she is hard work,she is the princess and she knows it she has her brothers and dad wrapped around her little finger.

I don’t think you sound like you want another op. You need to think through all the eventualities, twins, triplets, disabled child, disabled twins, would you be able to cope with whatever came your way?

I can’t imagine five, but I couldn’t imagine more than one, because I’m a selfish cow, so even four seems like a lot of kids to me.

Mind you, I do know someone with 11, some of them adopted, I can’t recall how many, but the wife is an ex teacher and they home school. But they live on a ranch and are very wealthy. It’s something I can’t eben imagine. They’re family car is genuinely a small coach. They love it though and are very happy. The difference is they both wanted that.

Houseful - if your DH really wanted another though, would that tip your decision?

I do take on what everyone is saying. Fizzy, I'm not sure I would ever actually regret a child because once they're here, they're here, if you see what I mean. I don't even think DH thinks he's being pushy, he just presumes I would love a girl as well because why wouldn't I? He says he wouldn't change the boys for the world, but a girl is special in a different way for dads.

Most of my friends say their DHs would be horrified about five DC and look at me as if I'm mad!

Sorry kids in the bath but I will read all responses and thankyou!

I'm a single mum of 6, all close together. 5 girls and 1 boy. The boy is number 3

You seem to be trying to use this forum to persuade yourself. You are clear in your posts that you don't want to, for very valid reasons.

Your H is coming across as very manipulative. You should not bring a child into the world when you have doubts. What if it is twins?

Your H ideas about having a girl are based on stereotypes- does that not bother you at all?

It's easy for him to want this when you'll be making the sacrifices. And he should not be dismissing your concerns as he is. You are not wrong in what you say, don't let him make you think otherwise.

I agree, you sound like you don't want another, so that should trump everything else. Your dh sounds very pushy, I would stand your ground, you are the one going to be doing the lion share of the work.

The man determines the sex of the children. And some men are more likely to have boys. Your DH is one of those men. 5 children is madness for so many reasons.

My friend had a girl after her husband's family had no girls for over 100 years.