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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

334 replies

wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 09:35

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 02/12/2017 09:50

I’d be doubling up on contraception right now if I were you. I have 4, 9-13. No fucking way would I go back to the nappy years not even with a dozen nannies. My whole being is screaming no at you.

I’d say something like you take a week off work while I’m away and you deal 24/7 with all 4 by yourself including both weekends and then we will start to talk. Otherwise please do not even bring this up again.

Im the youngest of 6 through a remarriage. My mum died when I was 7 and left my dad with 4. My dad was in no way equipped for that despite all of being a boarding school. He should enjoy what he’s got. Number 5 could come with a host of life changing issues for the worse no matter what sex the are.

Mxyzptlk · 02/12/2017 10:25

Imagine you knew that Baby5 (or maybe Twins5&6) was definitely going to be a boy (or 2 boys).
Do you (not DH, just you) now want to go ahead with having that child/children?

That's your answer.

Newmanwannabe · 02/12/2017 10:36

My friend desperately wanted a "princess". Did everything she could to get a girl and did get her girl. Her DD who is now 6 is the least girly girl you could imagine. Won't let her braid her hair. Hates dresses. Refuses dance class.

You get what you get and each child has their own personality and is their own person. Not a toy to play with.

morningconstitutional2017 · 02/12/2017 13:03

Is he hoping that this possible next pregnancy will not only produce a girl, but a traditional girly girl who wants to wear pretty frilly clothes and play with dolls? If this is indeed the case he may be disappointed to get a girl who doesn't want to be left out of the boys' games and will therefore prefer to play with cars, climb trees, get muddy, etc.

One of my friends was a fourth child (after three boys) and she was a tomboy as she was in this situation.

I'd stick with the happy, healthy family you already have.

AnTeallach · 02/12/2017 14:05

He should be careful of what he wishes for... One of my NCT teachers had a friend with 3 boys, who was desperate for a girl. She eventually wore down her DH - and had naturally-conceived triplets, all boys! By the time I heard about them, the trips were 10 and the house was full of smelly sports kit and boat-sized trainers. With effectively a 7-a-side sitting round the dinner table every night, she ended up banning sports talk just to stay sane. Be careful with your choice and count your very many blessings with the healthy status quo. You already have one set of twins, so presumably another isn't out of the question. How would you feel about having 6 kids, perhaps all boys? If you go ahead in any way uncertain, you have no idea how things will pan out, not least with your potential resentment against the latest addition/s to your family as you want to emerge from 'holding the baby' and start craving more time for yourself. If you are persuaded, however, fantastic and the very best of luck!

Iprefercoffeetotea · 02/12/2017 14:09

You've got four healthy children.

How would you feel if you go pregnant again and heaven forbid something awful happened like a stillbirth or the 5th child was disabled and that had a massive impact not just on you as parents, but on your other children? Or it affected your health?

Quit while you're ahead.

spidey66 · 02/12/2017 14:15

I'd love any kid, but can't have them (and won't now, I'm 51 and have had a hysterectomy).

I think he should appreciate his sons.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/12/2017 14:17

Have to say that awful as it is to think about, this would also be uppermost in my mind having a fifth child 'later'.

Risk factors do rise and it's not beyond possibility that you could end up with a fifth child with disabilities or health problems. Now that's not to say that they wouldn't be an absolute blessing BUT the impact of something like that on a family with one child is one thing - and the impact of that on a family with four already, including young twins, where the lion's share already falls on one parent? Pretty catastrophic for the family really. Your childrens' lives would change dramatically.

I'm really glad you seem to have decided against it.

Original poster
wonder1ng · 02/12/2017 14:33

Thankyou everyone for the advice. DH has been quite persistent about this to be honest, mainly because we've had roughly 2 year gaps between the other pregnancies and now the twins have turned 3.
I think he does presume a girl would be stereotypically "girly" yes. I'm sure if she wasn't, he would deal with it because he would have to, but this is what he presumes.
He says "can't you do that temperature thing" because someone has told him that there is a way to find out when you're ovulating.
To the PP who suggested he may have an agenda in getting me pregnant, I would be alarmed if this were the case! It took me almost 2 years to get fully back into shape after the twins - to be fair to him, he's always been very complimentary, even when I was heavily pregnant. I think it's more that he wants a daughter, rather than any other agenda.
I do moan sometimes about the sports kits and I'm not a natural football / rugby spectator by any means, but once you have the DC you have, you can't imagine it any other way. DH says it would be nice for me to have a daughter in the long run, so we could go shopping and to spas Grin. Well, yes, that would be nice, but it won't necessarily pan out like that!
I will talk to him about all the risks and that he needs to be more realistic about the whole situation. I don't want to risk what we have. I have a friend who also has 4 DC and she has just been diagnosed with MS. You never know what might happen.
Thanks so much again.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 02/12/2017 14:38

If you have decided against it, just tell him your decision then follow up with reasons.
Don't "talk to him" as in giving him the impression that more negotiation might get him what he wants.

wednesdayswench · 02/12/2017 14:43

My DC are at the Late teen stage starting to think of cars and uni....they cost a fortune, SO much more than when they were little....do the sums for him, that'll put him off!

You could quite easily end up with 5 boys.

Original poster
wonder1ng · 02/12/2017 14:44

I feel as if I have decided, but I feel really guilty or as if I'm depriving him of a chance. But then I think, you get what you're given and some people can't have children at all. I hope he can see he's already very lucky.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/12/2017 14:50

You don’t owe him a child. It’s not your duty to give him everything he wants. It’s your body. It’s your life and your family too.

Just tell him no. Tell him your reasons by all means but don’t let it turn into a long drawn out discussion. Tell him it’s unfair of him to pressure you by continuing to talk about it when you’ve made up your mind. You’ve actually been clear all along, but he hasn’t accepted your position and allowed you to be final about it.

Original poster
wonder1ng · 02/12/2017 14:54

You would think he'd be worried about school fees and uni, but no, apparently not. He works too much as it is, without additional pressure. He even joked with DC's school head that maybe we could get the fifth one in for free! He is "on the board" or in non-exec directors roles for at least 6 companies (that I know of), plus he has his own main company and two spin off companies, as well as investing in all sorts of things and he trades on the stock markets most days. Would you not think all that and 4 DC would be more than enough for most people? He can be quite exhausting to live with to be honest because he can't seem to stop taking on more and more.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/12/2017 15:02

It sounds as if that’s the real issue here. Do you want him to spend less time working and more time with the family? I would. If that’s how you feel, tell him.

He sounds like a man who is very used to getting his own way. He accumulates success, wealth, status - and children! But they are not in the same category!

He needs to consider what he is giving to the family other than financial support. You and the children need more than that, you need him to be present and appreciate what he has.

If he won’t listen, maybe couple’s counselling would be helpful - if he’d be open to it, that is.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/12/2017 15:52

"but I feel really guilty or as if I'm depriving him of a chance"

No no no. He should absolutely not be guilt tripping you into this. What do you want?

Given that he already works long hours to support 4 children (financially if not hands on) how is he going to magic up extra free time to help you with yet another baby? You will end up with all the donkey work.

Seeingadistance · 02/12/2017 16:26

A girl for shopping and spas! For fuck's sake!

He has no respect for women at all, does he? We're nothing but walking stereotypes to him.

Shopping and spas!

NameChange30 · 02/12/2017 16:34

Yeah I raised an eyebrow at shopping at spas Grin
I’ve always hated shopping with my mum. When I was a teenager I’d go with my friends. There are very few people I like shopping with now - my sister maybe.

NameChange30 · 02/12/2017 16:35

shopping and spas

TooManyPaws · 02/12/2017 17:47

My friend spent a good deal of her fifth pregnancy with her legs elevated in hospital. How would your husband cope?

In addition, my father put me, as his surprise little girl, on a pedestal and was brutal if I slipped off it or did anything he didn't approve of. That has left enormous scars on my soul. I'm never going to be good enough for his perfect picture of his perfect little girl.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 02/12/2017 18:32

We have four boys including twins and DH would love a daughter.

However, we are just getting our lives back as youngest is six and really, adding another means moving house, bigger car - and what if it was twins again?

He’s just had a vasectomy. I’d have another baby because I love them, but it’s not a good idea.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2017 18:55

No op, you have given him 4 chances. Say no to him, invite him to look after the 4 boys for a week whilst you go off somewhere.

MadgeMak · 02/12/2017 18:58

One of your boys might be into shopping and spas, for fucks sake!

I’ll be honest, before I had kids I had a preference for a daughter. And I got one the first time around. I love her to death, not because she is a girl, but because of her own individual self. Second time around I thought I would probably quite like another daughter, but got a son. He is utterly amazing. Personality wise I’m probably a closer match to him than my daughter, but I love them both infinitely. The sex of your children is irrelevant really.

CaptainBrickbeard · 02/12/2017 19:59

You can go shopping or to spas with your friends! And you've more chance of having the time and money to do so if you don't have another child!

ladybirdsaredotty · 02/12/2017 21:44

How much of most people's mother/daughter relationship is based around shopping and spas?! Doing either of those activities with my daughters (or indeed my son) when they are older has literally never crossed my mind ConfusedHmm

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