Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

334 replies

wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 09:35

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

OP posts:
tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 08:38

You do realise that kids become harder work the older they get! !! Babies and toddlers are easy

That is your opinion, it does not make it a fact.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 08:42

It is probably her experience rather than opninion tiny. It certainly is mine.

tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 08:43

Actually when you frame it as "you do realise..." it is not giving experience, it is saying your opinion is fact.

mayhew · 01/12/2017 08:46

As a midwife, I've come across this a lot. More often from the mother. Best examples, the woman wanting a son who ended up with 8 girls and the woman with 9 boys, who I asked if she thought this would be the last , "Oh sister, no! I want my daughter."

DailyMaileatmyshit · 01/12/2017 08:55

tiny I agree, it came across as fact.

It may well be others experience that kids get harder, personally I've found DS has got easier. Babies are so so hard (for me).

However I never intend to have more than one. More than that seems nuts to me!

sashh · 01/12/2017 08:57

To those asking about ID b/g twins (ignoring the sneering from some hmm ). It is very rare but there have been proven cases few and far between apparently

OK so you can't have healthy boy/girl identical twins.

Documented cases of b/g identical twins are in single figures, that's for the entire world. Ok there may be a few undocumented cases but even so the chance of having b/g identical twins is about 1 in 6 billion and the twins will not appear identical.

So anyone who asks if a pair of b/g twins are identical is being a bit of an idiot.

Original poster
wonder1ng · 01/12/2017 09:52

I do have a strong feeling that if we went for a fifth it would be another boy. It's hard for me to think of DH as a bully or to work out who compromises more in our marriage. He would never say anything disrespectful about women, quite the opposite actually. It's true I don't really prioritise myself, but that's part of the course with 4 DC surely? I do really value "hands free" time though these days. I think basically, I need to work out what I want (separately from him) and that's what I'll work on. I do see that now. Thankyou!

OP posts:
somanyusernames · 01/12/2017 10:22

that sounds a good approach to me wonder, talk to him again when you've got your position clear in your head. I'm not sure they're bullies, just very used to trying to win arguments.

FurryGiraffe · 01/12/2017 10:48

It's hard for me to think of DH as a bully or to work out who compromises more in our marriage. He would never say anything disrespectful about women, quite the opposite actually.

He doesn't sound very respectful of your views about how many children to have. And his behaviour isn't respectful of women. A man who truly respects women would respect the enormous physical and emotional burden that pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding places on a woman and not attempt to railroad her into having another child.

It's true I don't really prioritise myself, but that's part of the course with 4 DC surely? I do really value "hands free" time though these days.
But this isn't about prioritising your DCs over you is it? (I agree that's common- especially with 4). It's about prioritising your DH's views about how many children to have over yours.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 10:50

"A man who truly respects women would respect the enormous physical and emotional burden that pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding places on a woman and not attempt to railroad her into having another child."

This ^^ with bells on.

TheFickleFingerOfFate · 01/12/2017 11:53

Just get the injections from the doc every few months and don't fall pregnant. It happens at your age you know....

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 01/12/2017 14:21

Just to be clear, fickle, are you suggesting that OP pretend to her husband that she is ttc with him but secretly get the contraceptive injection?

Uptheduffy · 01/12/2017 15:23

If there is the potential for her dh to railroad her into a pg without her consent, then why not?

Mix56 · 01/12/2017 15:26

I think you should say, NO, you don't want any more pregnancies, its your body, its you that does all the baby stuff. the feeding, Theres no guarantee it won't be a another boy, or indeed twins.

If he really wants a girl, he should consider adopting.

AlansLeftMoob · 01/12/2017 16:50

It's you who would have to carry another baby. You who would have to give birth. You who would be with a small baby again while he works long hours. You who would ultimately be dealing with very young children, while pregnant, and while recovering. No two pregnacies are the same - assuming all goes well, it's still a huge amoung of strain to place on yourself just because your DH wants a daughter. Even if you were 100% guaranteed a girl (which you're not), I find it a little weird that a man would want his wife to go through all that again just because "you only live once". Your body, your choice.

Butterymuffin · 01/12/2017 17:02

He would never say anything disrespectful about women, quite the opposite actually.

I get it. Traditional, gallant, would always hold doors open etc, but also thinks deep down that the wife's job is to make her husband happy and go along with what he wants.

Plus for all the unrealistic posters suggesting 'he' adopts, how would that solve the problem of all the years of work bringing the child up, which will largely fall to OP?

Candog · 01/12/2017 17:32

It's not fun being the "extra" child who is only there because the dad wanted the other sex.

Original poster
wonder1ng · 01/12/2017 17:34

I've been remembering today how DS2 was very anxious towards the end of my pregnancy with the twins and he used to cry if I even had to have my blood pressure taken. Also I was so tired. Now that I'm 37 there might be some extra tests and more risk. DS1 is going to a new prep next year and he'll need support, plus it will be two school runs. To be honest, if you have to manage then you do it, but I'm not sure it's fair on the boys. Plus I would probably need another C-section because I had to with the twins and I worry how I'd keep up with the boys because they are very active.
I don't think DH has considered any of this in any depth. He just says "get some help", but it can be stressful in itself having someone in your house. The boys still come to me anyway.
I'm going to talk to him properly this weekend about the whole thing because I think I've decided it's too much and I need to be 100% for the DC we are lucky enough to have. As PPs have said, every pregnancy is different and just because I had three straightforward ones doesn't mean anything.
Some posts have been a bit hard to read but thankyou!

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 01/12/2017 17:56

Clearly you are Molly Weasley and I claim my £5.

Don't do it. You'll have a super-anxious fifth boy followed by a daughter who ties herself down to one of her brother's most tedious friends.

lolalola19 · 01/12/2017 18:36

You don't sound like you want another child - don't do it!

Minaktinga · 01/12/2017 18:39

You could adopt a girl?

tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 18:40

How could she adopt a girl exactly? Hmm

UAEMum · 01/12/2017 19:08

We have 5 and it is difficult sometimes. However, it is also great! I would never have 6 though lol

jayne1976 · 01/12/2017 19:26

Son in year 7 has an hour of homework a night, this will increase. Some can be done independently but often needs help though - times that by 5 😣

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2017 19:28

Sounds like you don't want another child, so don't, be firm with your dh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread