AIBU that you just can't rely on your friends

[fireburnsimoutinthecold]

I don't mean this to sound critical.

The thing is this. I am in a bit of a hole where I have a hospital appointment on Friday, and I have a 2 year old. Because it is in a city which is about an hour and a half away and it might get to be two hours getting back because of traffic, I need someone to watch her for the afternoon and early evening. And no one can.

Like I say I don't mean to sound critical of anybody. What I mean is that when people say you need a support network with children, what does this actually mean? Ime people will help for very short chunks of time or in an absolute dire emergency but most of the time with friends your a long way down the priority list - you come after their own kids, partners, and families.

So what do other people do?

Give to receive

Or pay someone childminder rates for a few hours ?

It's early days OP she is little and in time a network will emerge x

Or just take her along and take copious gadgets ??

I can't unfortunately coz I'm having a (very minor) operation, thank you though

Take her along. I had to take mine to a hospital appt recently. I popped into the works the day before. Magic painting, colouring book, stickers and snacks. And on my Samsung phone it's got the Snapchat type filters that turn her face into a cat and a teddy bear if it gets desperate. She loves that!

Oh cross post. Sorry!

You're wanting someone to come to your house to care for DD? If they have DC of their own that's not going to happen! DD would need to be at the friends house with the other DC.

I think it depends on whether they’re working. Employers probably wouldn’t sanction a day off at short notice to look after a friend’s child but might be better for your own grandchild. I wouldn’t ask someone to lose a day’s pay/holiday.

I’m lucky that my parents would do it for me and I have a number of friends who would probably do it if they weren’t in work. In the last year I had two tricky hospital appointments where my parents were on holiday (great timing). For one my secretary took the day off work to look after my toddler. She volunteered and insisted. For the other my cleaner had my son for half an hour before school and then took him in with her own children. Both of these women are my friends, or at least friendly, on top of our more contractual relationship.

I have offered to take a day’s holiday or help out on maternity leave for one friend with limited childcare options.

Get a child minder or where is her other Parent?

No, just someone to care for her for a few hours, at their place with their children or mine.

The point is that amongst their own children, husbands, Christmas decorations, parents, siblings - as a friend you are a long way down the sort of priority list if you like. And so when people say you need support they are right, you do, I do on Friday, but where do you get it!?

I can't afford to pay someone.

I will probably have to rearrange the appointment which isn't ideal at all but I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I feel like I'm up against a wall and want to have a bit of a cry. As I know all my friends don't understand.

Have you actually asked anyone to have her?

Have you actually asked your friends? We don’t have any family who can help us and local friends are aware of that and offer to support if needed. It has rarely been needed but they have helped a couple of times. They all have parents nearby so I have never had to return the favour but I always give a gift to say thanks and they know the offer is always there.

In my experience people are willing to help if you ask them (if they’re not at work as of course that comes first)

If you can’t sort with a friend what about her dad? Or if she’s in childcare could she do an extra day and a friend just do the early evening bit?

If not I suppose you’ll have to pay a babysitter?

Cross post about paying.

Where are your parents, siblings, and the child's other parent?

People have their own things, that's true, but I think most friends help if they can. I know I do.

Lol yes, of course I have, that's the point of the thread She's not in childcare hence why I have no money! Like I say I will rearrange the appointment. It's just a horrible feeling when you realise you have no one.

I don't have any, and her dad isn't available at this time.

Are you a single parent?
When mine was that age I sometimes used a council service for childcare - I paid for it but it included hours beyond the working day.
I would have thought that friends who were doing Christmas decorations with their kids could accommodate an extra - is there anyone you can ask again now you've drawn a blank? I always solved it eventually but often by paying.

Have you tried a message in Facebook? Offer a return favour?

So you can rearrange for when her Dad is available - clearly you do have someone!
Meanwhile start to cultivate some mutual relationships/assistance with other parents.

You asked your friends to babysit your toddler while you were having an operation and they all said no?

Unless there is something about your toddler’s behaviour you aren’t telling us then it might be time to find new friends.

I don’t think that (by MN standards) I’m a very good friend eg I wouldn’t appreciate being called at 3am because you’d broken up with your boyfriend and I’m more likely to provide a blunt solution to your problem than listen to you rant/sob for hours however I would absolutely take your child while you were in hospital (and have done in fact) or in an emergency.

Not trying to be nasty here, but why is it ok that your DH, the child’s FATHER, gets a pass that he is unavailable but you are upset with your friend who is also unavailable?

Why is your DH not trying to help sort this out?

Someone has already said it's early days. Once your little one is at nursery/school you'll find your options growing as you network. Also, I think looking after slightly older children is a more attractive prospect than a two yr old as the kids play together rather than at each other.

Doesn't help you how does it though. If you've asked your friends already you'll probably have to re arrange realistically. Did they give you much notice?

Would it help to get to know people of different generations (so maybe not all parents with young children)? I can only think of faith based groups or maybe some sports?

My closest friend and I have children the same age and we often help each other out, they love staying at each other's houses.

I'd like to think I'm more important to her than her Christmas decorations 😂

After my DH and DC I'd consider my closest friend the next important thing in my life. I'm lucky that she and I found each other, it's only in my 30's that I've found a friend I can rely on though.

Do you have no parents / your ex's parents / aunts / uncles etc to ask?

I feel for you but looking after someone's two year old is quite an undertaking - it's not like a six year old, where they are quite self sufficient.

However, I do think it is horrible that you have told your friends you are going to hospital and they still won't help. Are there any of them where you can say, look I will look after your Bobby for you one afternoon, make it a definite reciprocal arrangement, so that the selfish friend might actually then help?

Then you need to write again to your friends, possibly in a group, reiterate that you are going in for surgery, and that your child can go to them.