AIBU that you just can't rely on your friends

[fireburnsimoutinthecold]

I don't mean this to sound critical.

The thing is this. I am in a bit of a hole where I have a hospital appointment on Friday, and I have a 2 year old. Because it is in a city which is about an hour and a half away and it might get to be two hours getting back because of traffic, I need someone to watch her for the afternoon and early evening. And no one can.

Like I say I don't mean to sound critical of anybody. What I mean is that when people say you need a support network with children, what does this actually mean? Ime people will help for very short chunks of time or in an absolute dire emergency but most of the time with friends your a long way down the priority list - you come after their own kids, partners, and families.

So what do other people do?

Thanks za, you’ve all been very kind

I agree that friends are lower on the list of priorities. I think this is in part due to self-preservation, because you can go crazy always taking care of others and not yourself.

I am really sorry for you OP. It's tough when you have little or no support network when you have kids. Could the hospital help? Do they have creche facilities? Could you ring them?

It may be a good idea to join a mum and toddler group, to create a bit of a network so you don't have this happen again.

Hope it's sorted.

And yeah I agree with the posters saying it's bad that the father isn't stepping up.

You mention that your DCs dad isn’t about to help. Is that he’s not about on this day or he’s not about at all? Is he the one you have fallen pregnant with? If so, does he know? As if so he really should be the one offering to support you (as if you don’t have an abortion then it’s another child he will need to support financially). What about DCs grandparents on her dads side? Or any brothers/sisters he has?
I’m sorry you are going through this. I absolutely would have my friends child in this situation if I could! You are right though, people’s families will be priority over childcare arrangements for someone else. Especially if they don’t know what your op is for

It makes a difference now you have said why you are going to hospital. And that you are no longer with the father.
I get what you are saying - I was an SP throughout with no support, no GPs and the father in another country. I did feel very alone but had some very good friends who did help when they could (& I them) and really are (still) just like family. Others who never helped me out but had such assistance themselves I guess they couldn't imagine what it was like. Some I even babysat for & it was never reciprocated!
I imagine you'd like someone to go with too

I feel your pain OP. I've recently had a run of appointments and tests and minor ops, and although my friends have been great (and would certainly cover an afternoon or daytime slot) it has been a massive source of added stress.

I had two 24 hour periods where I was radioactive and couldn't be near DS, so I was lucky my mother could fly over from Ireland to help. You just can't expect friends to cover that length of time! Paid childcare is expensive and (if your 2 year old is anything like mine) stressful for all concerned.

Friends either work or have other responsibilities of their own. I am massively envious of those who have family nearby. These days when medical staff talk about more tests/possible treatments all I think is "How?? Hope it's on a work day..."

I don't have any, and her dad isn't available at this time.

Could he not re-arrange things to make himself available to look after his child?
How long has he had to re-arrange things to make himself available?
Could he not afford to pay for you to have a child minder if you have no money to afford one yourself?
Do you have anything you could sell to raise the money to pay for a child minder?

OP, you are right, friends are never the same as family. I feel for you.

Can I jus say - there’s only one Dad!!

He is catholic and in his words will not assist me in murdering his child.

But he will not help me bring it up. Hence the abortion.

I can understand your frustration Op and it would make me feel lonely too.

Are you having a GA because they may insist on you being collected?

Have you one friend you could trust to tell. I know I would go out of my way to change my plans and help for your reason.

Hope you sort something

I think ring the clinic, explain your situation, and ask them if they can move the appointment to when your DD is at her dad's. I'm sure they will try to accommodate you.

I’m supposed to be collected but I can get a bus to the city centre then the train home so should be ok.

Your ex sounds like a catch .

Whereabouts in the country are you?

Midlands. He is a real catch isn’t he

Do check that they will discharge you on your own, OP - my local hospital won't let you go until your accompanying adult shows up.

Ok try to get the clinic to do it on the day when your ex is having your dd. Otherwise mnetters may be able to help. You’ll have to be a bit more specific. Midlands is a big area.

At least then it’ll have been done I think. Just want it over with as an sufferi g badly with sickness

I couldn’t and wouldn’t ask mummy, like I say I’m just sort of groping about for a bit of emotional bolstering

I've been where you are. Lone parent, people telling me to build up my support network- these are people with decent ones themselves and no idea what the reality is when yours is limited.
With the surgery you're going to have, I went alone. I had no choice. I got a cab home, because after it there's no way you're up to any degree of walking about or uncontrolled movement- like on a bus. If you can stretch to that, please get a cab. It's safer.
Two weeks following no heavy lifting (included my dc).

I obviously don't know you and very much doubt you're local, but if you were I'd offer to help. It's bad enough going through that, without any support.

Sending

Yep, ring the clinic and see what they suggest. I'm sure you'll find them to be very kind with you. I think this is something you need to sort out sooner rather than later, for your own peace of mind. I'm sorry you've found yourslef in this situation and I hope you feel a little bit better now you've had a rant. This isn't your fault at all, but you can totally cope with it all! Be a warrior and don't let the bastards get you down. x

Ok I’m just asking because I’m in that sort of area. I understand. I’m a random. And I’m ill so I don’t know if I’d be able to help.

definitely sitters.co.uk. we used to use them before we grew a better network where we are now. all dbs checked and reference checked and experienced - lots of ex teachers, nannies, childminders on there.
You may not like having to have someone you don't know, but this is what they're there for. This is also what money is for - times of this kind of urgent need.
And yes, setting up exchange arrangements with other parents and growing the network will help eventually, but there may be the occasional moment like this when you do need to just pay someone.
It sounds really tough.

There are good people out there and you'll grow your social network, particularly as your child gets older. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out at this time for you. I'd take it as a sign of who your proper friends are. I cut a couple out after I couldn't rely on them (they wouldn't even pick up the phone as I sat in hospital going through my phone book to find someone to look after my then 2yo when my baby was seriously ill). There are good people out there - work on making more friends xx

I know mummy and it was lovely of you but people sometimes post wanting stuff and I just wanted to be clear I’m not about that.

I’ve had abortions before and