AIBU that you just can't rely on your friends

[fireburnsimoutinthecold]

I don't mean this to sound critical.

The thing is this. I am in a bit of a hole where I have a hospital appointment on Friday, and I have a 2 year old. Because it is in a city which is about an hour and a half away and it might get to be two hours getting back because of traffic, I need someone to watch her for the afternoon and early evening. And no one can.

Like I say I don't mean to sound critical of anybody. What I mean is that when people say you need a support network with children, what does this actually mean? Ime people will help for very short chunks of time or in an absolute dire emergency but most of the time with friends your a long way down the priority list - you come after their own kids, partners, and families.

So what do other people do?

If they're not close enough for you to tell them what you need the help for, then I'm afraid they're not close enough for you to rely on. It really is that simple I'm afraid. Sad though.

sorry for what your going through your well shot of your ex if it any consolation

and i hop everyting goes ok on friday

Do you have a partner? If so, they should do it.
I would take a friend's child if i could, but i work school hours. Its also down to car seats sometimes, people have older dc to collect from school.

I probably wouldn’t talk about it to anyone tbh

I just feel really sorry for you. My parents are not close but are reliable in emergencies and it makes all the difference knowing that I could have help in 2-3 hrs if I needed it. It sounds easy to ask a friend but the reality it tricky, short notice is hard & even things like making sure they have the right car seat (I have three kids now so some friend literally don’t have space for their kids and my kids in the car!)

My work doesn’t quite cover the cost of childcare but what it does do is ensure my children get used to a non-family member looking after them & increases my (paid!) options in case of an emergency.
What makes me really feel for you ind even though you’ve sorted your daughter out now, whose going to look after you? HUgs x

Have you told your friends what the appointment is for? If you've made it sound like a routine appointment/something easily moved they might not want to rearrange their day but if a friend told me it was for an abortion and they are stuck of childcare I would move things around to help.

I think it would just cause further embarrassment. I’ve sorted it anyway

Oh fire that's really shitty. If i were in the same country as you, i'd try and help. I have helped friends this way in the past - and other SPs at ds' school who i didn't even know very well.

A flatmate of mine many moons ago, we were both around 28yo, had had 3 abortions, then a lovely little boy who we shared the flat with. She went for another termination and i looked after her 1yo for a couple of days with nothing but a smile on my face and homemade soup for her - no judging whatsoever.

It sounds like i am banging my own drum but want you to know there are unjudgemental friends out there for you to find.

I don’t exactly know if they would judge just prefer to keep it private

Embarrassment shouldn't come into it with good friends. I don't think they sound like good friends.

Look, they can’t help, they are friends not a mum or dad or sister or brother

It sucks op.

I have to have a vaginal ultrasound after having an ovarian cyst burst last year and no fucker would watch ds so I had to drive myself (2 hours each way) there and take him with me.

Your network grows as they get older and it does get better.

Totally agree OP. Loads of people have told me "Let me know if there's ever anything I can do" and "I'm always here for you". They really mean it. But then when the time comes they've got other priorities - and are also all people who have very good marriages and/or family around and/or can afford nannies/au pairs. They also really think they're without much help.

I don't get offended either, like you it just makes me realize (again) how alone I am. And I used to live in a culture where people would be there for you (and vice versa) at the drop of a hat. It's just not how the UK works.

With pfb was in a northern city and there were many people with no family - getting to know people was easy and we all helped each other in situations needing childcare.

We had to move for work – pretty much everyone had family in new area and when we had serious emergency health stuff crop up everyone was sympathetic but unhelpful. Unfortunately our family wasn't as helpful as we hoped they'd be - so it was pretty much DH and I.

I found it very depressing. We coped but it was bit upsetting.

Hope you find a solution.

BTW, it's terrible advice that OP should tell her friends the exact reason why she needs help. It's too likely that at least one of them will be an anti-choice scumbag and harass her about it (or at least one of those whiny it's-so-difficult-oh-but-couldn't-you-think-it-through types). Then she will have to deal with judgemental bollocks as well as everything else.

I'm glad you've binned off the man, OP. Men who are opposed to abortion and contraception but still want to get their dicks wet are scum. His behaviour to you would have got steadily worse with time - these men really, really dislike and despise women.

Best of luck with building a friend network in future.

It is how some of the UK works. But I agree that good friends are hard to find. I treasure mine and they do help us. And we help them. But it is a two way thing.
I find many people don't really value friends, and so of course they do not get this type of friendship. So people have been surprised that I have helped friends move, have looked after pets, given people lifts, etc. If you are the kind of person who just thinks that someone who asks for help with these kind of things is a CF and should just hire a man with a van, put the dog in kennels, or get a taxi, then yes you won't have friends like this.

Could you not white lie about the reason. Dear friends/cockwomble ex I need to have a minor op next Friday on my abdomen. Is anyone available to babysit for ds? If cockwomble questions it tell him you had a miscarriage due to him stressing you out with his said cockwomble behaviour.

I think in this case you don’t have to tell your friends the truth if you don’t want to and saint cockwomble has lost his right to the truth

It helps more than you know when people understand.

Thanks sgb for reminding me I am doing the right thing, I feel very alone and I hate that!

My friends have helped me in a bind and I would do the same.

Missing work would be tricky but if the child's father was out of the country and you had no family at all I would do it for a friend.

Really though, the child's father and blood relatives are the first port of call in this situation if friends would need to miss work to help out.

I get that but he’s trying to make it very hard for me on purpose

Fires You're doing the right thing for yourself. I hope you don't continue to feel lonely.

I needs to keep telling myself that. There’s pressure to take him back go ahead with the pregnancy. But I think that would not be right.

OP tell your ex I am a catholic and a very peaceful person but reading the crap he told you made me feel like kicking his balls in order to prevent him having more children. What an idiot!!

I know exactly how you feel OP. I would take whatever it is the strongest painkiller available for after the surgery. It’s shit that you have no one to take care of your child when you need surgery asap.

Thanks, he’s trying to control me I think, the more children I have the harder it is for me