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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that you just can't rely on your friends

156 replies

fireburnsimoutinthecold · 30/11/2017 07:22

I don't mean this to sound critical.

The thing is this. I am in a bit of a hole where I have a hospital appointment on Friday, and I have a 2 year old. Because it is in a city which is about an hour and a half away and it might get to be two hours getting back because of traffic, I need someone to watch her for the afternoon and early evening. And no one can.

Like I say I don't mean to sound critical of anybody. What I mean is that when people say you need a support network with children, what does this actually mean? Ime people will help for very short chunks of time or in an absolute dire emergency but most of the time with friends your a long way down the priority list - you come after their own kids, partners, and families.

So what do other people do?

OP posts:
TheSunIsFar · 30/11/2017 07:52

Oh - sometimes hospitals have free daycare... have you asked?

Original poster
fireburnsimoutinthecold · 30/11/2017 07:52

It isn't quite as simple as that columbine

I'm not exactly upset with my friends. I do understand it. It's just when you split with someone everyone says it will be OK and you'll manage except you don't and people say they will support and they don't.

I'm having an abortion so I have to be a bit cagey about it all as it's obviously still a bit taboo.

OP posts:
HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 30/11/2017 07:55

Try childcare.co.uk? If it’s only a couple of hours.

Jasminedes · 30/11/2017 07:56

So hard for you. I agree that this is her Dad’s problem, but without knowing your relationship can’t of course assume that is simple. I would re-contact people, saying ‘struggling to find a solution, just thought I would check again if you can have her - I can offer a double babysitting favour in return - please don’t worry if not though, I know its a busy time of year.’

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 30/11/2017 07:56

Do you really have no family in the country that can help?

What would happen if your op goes wrong and you have to stay overnight?

Do you have any contact with her dad?

I’m sorry I can’t be any help, I’d offer to have her myself but think a stranger offering could be seen as sinister by some in this day and age.

(Seriously I would look after her, I live West Midlands if it’s any help)

Original poster
fireburnsimoutinthecold · 30/11/2017 07:57

It's more the emotional sense. I can't explain it. Realising how alone you are and it's horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
fireburnsimoutinthecold · 30/11/2017 07:58

I don't have any family. My mum has been dead since I was a teenager. Anyway, I just wanted to moan.It's so lovely of people to offer I will rearrange it like I say but it's such a weird feeling when you realise it is ust you and for all people say that you have support you actually don't when push comes to shove.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 30/11/2017 08:00

Could you ask a neighbour and offer to pay them later or give them a bottle of wine? Obviously you would need to ask someone suitable.
IMO friends cant be relied on at all and you have to be 100% self sufficent.
You could find out who the registered childminders are in your area and rearrange the appointment for a month or so then it gives you time to save up to pay.

Butterymuffin · 30/11/2017 08:02

In that case I would ask people on the basis that you need your minor op done quickly. Say that otherwise you'll be waiting ages or something. Are you reluctant to push it with your child's dad because of what it is?

Original poster
fireburnsimoutinthecold · 30/11/2017 08:02

Honestly it is more that sense of being so alone.

And people think that it's you not making an effort and I do, I make more of an effort than anybody else because I have to. But no matter ho many friends you make usually they have their own families which naturally take priority.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 30/11/2017 08:05

I get it, OP. You're facing something really difficult and you're feeling alone and unsupported. It's tough when you feel you have nobody to call on.

Is there really nobody who can help. I have looked after the kids of several friends when they have been stuck, and I'm certainly not close to all of them. I would help an acquaintance who needed help with her 2yo while she attended a hospital appointment. Perhaps you need to widen the scope of who you're asking?

What did your friends say when they told you they couldn't help?

NerrSnerr · 30/11/2017 08:06

Do your friends know that you’re having an abortion? Is there someone you trust enough to tell? It’ll probably only get more difficult closer to Christmas to find people to have her as friends could be travelling to visit people or have things booked. Do you have a credit card or overdraft to use to pay for childcare?

Just thinking because obviously you’ve got a timeframe so delaying it isn’t ideal.

Original poster
fireburnsimoutinthecold · 30/11/2017 08:07

Oh just made kind of regretful faces and said they couldn't because they had to pick husbands up or pick up parcels or were doing something for Christmas.

I'm not trying to sound bitchy, I get that I am not the priority here but that's the point. I'm no one's prioity and it feels rubbish

I do have 2 friends who I know would help but theyare overseas! typical.

OP posts:
Original poster
fireburnsimoutinthecold · 30/11/2017 08:08

I know Nerr

maybe it is a sign, but I will sort something, somehow, even if I have to incur debt

OP posts:
NonplussedwithFB · 30/11/2017 08:09

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Having nobody close enough to confide in that you having a termination without judgement is bad enough but also having the stress of having nobody to look after your dd is terrible. Emotionally this is very hard and you are not unreasonable at all to think you can't rely on people.

Which area of the country are you in? Perhaps we on MN collectively find a solution for you?

Brokenbiscuit · 30/11/2017 08:12

Are you one of those people who finds it hard to show your own vulnerability, OP? Do your friends actually know that you'll be really stuck if they don't help? Have you told them why you need someone to watch her?

There will be other people you know who might be willing to help. Not close friends, but neighbours, colleagues, acquaintances. A lot of people would be willing to help if they know you're really desperate. I would.

NonplussedwithFB · 30/11/2017 08:12

Have you thought about going to your local children's centre? They could have a solution?

Rudgie47 · 30/11/2017 08:13

Could you ask the man who has got you pregnant? If hes got anything about him then surely hed want to help you out.
Sorry your going through a rough patch. Also you could ask on Facebook for your local area if someone suitable to could help you out.

HolgerDanske · 30/11/2017 08:13

Oh bless you this will be even more difficult because of the nature of the operation.

I understand that feeling of being utterly alone in the world, when it comes right down to it. It’s an extremely sad realisation to come to, especially when you are facing stressful and difficult decisions/circumstances, and when there is a little someone who relies on you for everything, and the emotions of it can be quite difficult to convey. But I do understand. I too, am all alone in the world.

I hope something works out for you.

Blackcatonthesofa · 30/11/2017 08:14

Have you called the hospital and asked them if they can provide childcare? Some do.

mogulfield · 30/11/2017 08:18

If one my friends needed me to take them to an abortion I’d move everything possible out the way, unless work wouldn’t let me or I HAD to have my DS. As others have said do they know?

coddiwomple · 30/11/2017 08:18

OP< it's just luck.

Some people have close family around, and always someone (mother, sister, MIL, cousin) available. I know people whose family would drive 2 hours (so a 4 hours return!) to help out in cases like yours.

I was lucky to be pregnant at pretty much the same time than friends who decided to become Stay-at-Home-Parents. Again, just luck.

It's not helpful for now, but you can build your network. Do you go to playgroups? There are the place to meet nice parents, make friends and start exchanging help. It takes time, I wouldn't trust my babies with a stranger.

It gets easier when they start school, you get to know the parents. When it's you who is unwell and your child is fine, it's also a lot easier to find someone to care, but you might have to drop and pick up.

This forum gives the impression that no-one is considering doing any favour for free, ever and that people are mortally offended if you dare ask. In real life, some people are kind, would not dream of asking for cash for having a child stay for a couple of hours, and you take turn to help each other. Sometimes, you do need to ask. I usually put a post on Facebook, asking for a place for my kids on xxx day. It doesn't put anyone on the spot, and people are free to ignore. You can offer to babysit an evening, or take the kids another day in exchange.

pinkdelight · 30/11/2017 08:19

use sitters.co.uk Don't delay your op. You just have to pay for the childcare, there's no way around it at that age really unless you have arrangements in place already. I remember that hitting me really hard when I had DC - that you simply couldn't leave them with anyone unless your family were willing to help. Even nice friends and neighbours couldn't realistically be relied on, not through any fault of their own, it's just a big ask and that's why babysitters, nannies, minders etc exist. I know it's not cheap but it's a one-off and very important so just do it. Take care.

dimsum123 · 30/11/2017 08:28

OP, I know how you feel. I have no family that would help in a situation such as yours.

Sometimes you have to open up a bit to friends, if you can, and say that you really need help, and hopefully there will be somebody who has some sympathy and will step in. I had to do that and people who I didn't even consider to be friends did actually help.

claraschu · 30/11/2017 08:28

Oh OP I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. When my daughter was very ill, I realised how alone I was, as her illness stretched out interminably, and I am lucky enough to have a husband (who is always travelling). It is a terrible feeling to be alone and to realise that no one really cares that much.

I would baby sit for you if I knew you, and I would never judge anyone for having an abortion. I would respect you for making a choice and acting on what you think is right.

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