AIBU that you just can't rely on your friends

[fireburnsimoutinthecold]

I don't mean this to sound critical.

The thing is this. I am in a bit of a hole where I have a hospital appointment on Friday, and I have a 2 year old. Because it is in a city which is about an hour and a half away and it might get to be two hours getting back because of traffic, I need someone to watch her for the afternoon and early evening. And no one can.

Like I say I don't mean to sound critical of anybody. What I mean is that when people say you need a support network with children, what does this actually mean? Ime people will help for very short chunks of time or in an absolute dire emergency but most of the time with friends your a long way down the priority list - you come after their own kids, partners, and families.

So what do other people do?

Oops! Posted too soon. I’ve had them before and I was fine. Barely even bled.

But I mean, even now people say the answer is to make more friends but I don’t think it is ... you just can’t expect people to love and care for you the way your family would, that’s all really.

I disagree. I live in London and as one friend said when she took my 2yo overnight for two nights so that my partner could help in hospital, 'friends are our families in London'. You need more people like you who don't have families around

I can rely on friends to help when they can, and vice versa. OP seems to think there is some obligation on friends to be there no matter what? People have their own lives, if they help where they can that should be plenty.

No tiny I’m agreeing with you. I haven’t experienced what lurking describes but I don’t live in London.

I get you. I rely on my mum and Dad as we have two autistic children but if I didn’t have them I’d be really stuck. Maybe call the hospital. Or have you looked on any mums sites on Facebook that are local. We have a local mums group on fb and you might find someone can recommend a sitter or maybe ask at your local children’s centre or nursery.

In fairness I don't think the OP thinks her friends are under any obligation to help her - she is just realising what many of have realised, that there is no substitute for local and supportive family.

Yes that’s just it tawdry and it makes you feel so low and alone in a weird empty kind of way

It sounds like you are just starting single-parent hood. The single parents I know tend to help each other out and establish a network.

I hope it is just the last minute ness of your requests that mean people have plans, did you tell them you need to go into hospital? I'd drop other things/take your DC when I picked up my partner etc. for someone going into hospital. I wouldn't ask why either.

Could you go to a toddler group today and tell people, ask for babysitters they use etc? I'd be amazed if nobody offered. Just say you've been feeling sick and it turns out you've got to have a wee operation, totally shocked, can't find childcare so last minute.

I don’t really know any single parents tbh. And ime most of them do have family who will help out. I suppose this is a problem that just keeps happening and people say well why are you with him I wouldn’t put up with ... and it’s like, THIS is why!

Oh op this is sad that you're going through this and don't have a support network on an emotional and practical level. Honestly it does improve and you will get more supportive friends who can take care of your little one (and vice versa you can reciprocate) in times of need. Unfortunately you really need them now.

Sending and hugs. Sorry I can't help.

Natural to feel low in the circumstances OP, but don't feel alone! Not only are many of us in the same situation, but having worked in PALS (the NHS patient advice and liaison service) I can tell you this was one of our most frequent queries. Many, many people struggle with this, and yet the NHS always assumes people have support available.

He is catholic and in his words will not assist me in murdering his child.
But he will not help me bring it up.

What an absolute, gold-plated, olympic standard cockwomble.

Sorry, not very helpful. Just...

When I say he won’t help me bring it up I mean I know ultimately I would be the one doing all the childcare as he works. Not that that’s much better but in the interests of fairness.

Well I’m out of the relationship in a way. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing though. Feel very lost and alone.

It will get easier as your DC gets older. I’m a LP with two small DC, dad overseas, family lives two hours away. I have struggled for things like this in the past but now I have built up some goodwill by doing things for others - so I find evenings where I have to work late a nightmare - but I have a friend who also works late sometimes and we can now pick each other’s DC up and take them to ours and give them tea. I have a couple of retired friends who are fine to step in occasionally, and a SAHM neighbour who can watch the kids...but this has taken time to get together, and I still panic at times. I think it’s best when you find a situation as with my friend above where you’re helping each other. For some reason being able to help out makes me feel less alone. I know that it should be the othe way round but I like to be useful and not just always taking help. Anyway I know that doesn’t help you now but I totally get how you’re feeling. I don’t see how you could have done anything different. And it won’t always feel like this.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I've felt like that too.

Have you tried home start? They have volunteers who offer all kinds of support. I used to have a woman who visited and just gave emotional support but she was also quite happy to come to hospital appointments to help with dc.

Also what about neighbours? I've had my neighbours dc on a couple of occasions when they've had appointments and needed help. We're not especially friends but we all have small dc and I know they'd help me too if I needed it.

Good luck with everything

No -
I wouldn’t have anyone to have DD!

What wording did you use when you asked? Because you have to make it clear that it's important.

So asking 'are you free on Friday to look after DD?' as compared to "Listen, I have a huge favour to ask, I need to have a small operation on Friday, and I'm really struggling to get DD looked after. Please is there anyway at all that you could look after her for the afternoon and early evening while I have the op done? It's minor, so I will be ok to collect her early evening."

If I was asked the first one and I had things I wanted to do I would say no. If I was asked the second one, I would try to re-arrange things for a friend.

Sorry you are feeling this way. Do your friends know how many terminations you’ve had? Do you think they might be judging you jn some way? The friend refusing to help because she’s picking up a parcel struck me as being particularly excuse-driven and I wondered why.

No one knows tbh and I haven’t told anyone this time. I’ve managed to sort something anyway. I don’t care if people judge me or not. But pleading makes no difference people just look embarrassed. It’s as well to accept you’re on your own!

Are you near Loughborough? That's where I am. I have a 3 year old dd. When is your appointment?

OP I said sonething similar to dh earlier this week when something happened to make me realise we have no one in the UK who gives a shit about making our lives slightly easier then the way our own families would.

We've been here 8 years and I'm just now thinking it's time to go.

Even in London, where I am, lots of people have family around or friends they've grown up with. I wouldn't burden anyone else but it wouldn't be a burden to family.

I'm glad to for something sorted