AIBU that you just can't rely on your friends

[fireburnsimoutinthecold]

I don't mean this to sound critical.

The thing is this. I am in a bit of a hole where I have a hospital appointment on Friday, and I have a 2 year old. Because it is in a city which is about an hour and a half away and it might get to be two hours getting back because of traffic, I need someone to watch her for the afternoon and early evening. And no one can.

Like I say I don't mean to sound critical of anybody. What I mean is that when people say you need a support network with children, what does this actually mean? Ime people will help for very short chunks of time or in an absolute dire emergency but most of the time with friends your a long way down the priority list - you come after their own kids, partners, and families.

So what do other people do?

Thanks for your nice answers. I think the playgroup one is the point really as however many groups I go to I only ever meet mums who have their own mums and networks so don’t need you. But I do have people just not in this country

I lived half my life in other european countries and i feel the British notion of friendship is less hands on than in other countries.

For example in other places ive lived people would be horrified to hear you used a moving company to move out - people would rally round and hire vans to help you rather than see you pay out for a company to do it.

In the uk people seem to be really close in terms of sharing feelings and meeting up etc, but their home is not your home, and your struggles will not be your struggles - except to offer emotional support.

Your struggles will not be their struggles sorry

No absolutely and I see that. It’s just one of those things there isn’t a solution to I suppose

It’s making me tear up to think of you so alone, and what with your op being what it is you really do need a BFF. I’m so sorry that you seem to be having a rough time right now. Xxx

Aw I feel bad for making you feel bad! It’s helped Just moaning on here lol

It is horrible feeling. I was totally on the own for the birth of my child and the run up to it. I drove myself to the hospital an hour away at two-weeks overdue, went to every appointment on my own. My mum showed up a few hours into it and has moved in with me since (for a few months). I had lots of people saying 'Let me know if you need any help'... and then it didn't come to fruition when I did need it. I think it's just something people say because they know you're unlikely to ask. I've cried and cried about one friend who just seems to have disappeared. She never even came to see the baby... yet was supposed to be my birth partner at one point. You just have to try to shrug it off and realise how proud you'll feel when you look back and realise you did all this on your own. You'll find solutions and you'll get through it. I'm hoping that I'll meet more mums as she gets older and I hope you do too! Try to get involved in community stuff. I'm helping to run a children's book fair and hoping to join swimming classes, baby yoga and a little singing group with her. It's about forcing yourself to get out there. It's easier said than done when you're a working single mum though... but step by step, day by day. I often think to myself "time to get your big girl pants on now" because I'm a very sensitive type and cry more than is strictly necessary!

It's very tough, but sometimes it's just the way things go. Your friends aren't necessarily selfish or not interested in you, it's just there are sometimes days when everyone has a prior arrangement - or is at work and can't take any more leave.

Are any of your friends close enough that they might lend you a bit of money to pay for childcare? That might be an immediate solution.

Well I am in Perth Scotland!

Oh I know sgb ... it’s kind of more the feeling than any actual annoyance, if that makes sense. But like betty I find people say ‘oh just say if you need anything’ Then when you do the awkward pause as they fumble for an excuse!

Luckily I am very healthy generally.

Hi fireburns, you have my sympathies. I know this is not a solution for your current problem, but you may wish to find a Gingerbread group near you to join (www.gingerbread.org.uk). As they are groups to get single parent families together you may find more people in a similar position to you, and therefore more willing to give and take re childcare, and have more time for their single friends.

That’s a really good suggestion thanks

Have you thought of asking someone you can consider leaving her with?

I used to live in a big city, and would have been very happy to look after a child that went to a play group that I regularly went to with my child (so that the child was at least a bit familiar with me), and I wouldn't be expecting anything in return at all. I know how tough it can be. Don't always assume people always want something in return.

Also, I used to do a one hour commute on the tube at that age with my 2 year old to get to hospital, and he was fine. Your DD might be fine in the car, just be prepared with snacks etc.

Sorry OP didn't read your post about abortion (I thought it was a routine appointment).

Have you actually ASKED anyone? No point in waiting for people to offer, they may not notice the need.

Yes, as I’ve said, I have asked.

This is what I mean about people making it your fault.

I can understand how you feel, I was in a similar position for eight years. I had DH but sometimes it was very hard for him to take time off last minute. I tried hard to make friends and met some lovely ladies at playgroup, but it was never close enough for them to ask me such favours (and nearly all had family living nearby anyway), and so I felt awkward asking them. Maybe I'm just shit at making close friends.

I've now moved closer to my family and it's such a relief. Really hope you can get this sorted OP.

I think a lot of people end up moving closer to family for that reason. I suppose that’s what I’m realising really, that no matter how good your friends are they aren’t the same as family.

No my friends will help a lot if they can. But most work full time, so during the day is tricky.

But they have been friends for many years, so that makes a massive difference.

OP, I had this years ago, broke my wrist, had just left my partner and realised it was down to me to get myself sorted. It's a horrible feeling. But the most resourceful and organised people I know are single parents, and it does get easier.

I can see why you wouldnt want to delay it - I'd try and see if she can stay with grandparents for a couple of days? Can no family help? Tell them you're having a mole removed or something.....?

There aren’t any grandparents or i would use them like a shot. Anyway sorry - was just moaning and sharing the misery!

Where are you?

No need to apologise fire, I think it's allowed to let off steam on MN!