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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some women are smug about not having dessert?

373 replies

Tobythecat · 29/11/2017 13:28

It seems to be mainly the older women, but I've noticed that a few of the social groups that I go to (there are a lot of older women there) seem horrified when asked to pick their three course lunch for Christmas at a local restaurant. They are fine with starters, but a lot of them say things like "I couldn't eat dessert as well, it would be too much for me" in a really judgy tone. The best one was from one of the women who is about 20 stone saying she couldn't eat a two or three course meal Grin

I don't know if it's because women are supposed to be seen as dainty and ladylike and not have big appetites, but it just comes across as so smug.

AIBU to think that some women are really smug about the whole cake/dessert thing?

OP posts:
Flyinggeese · 30/11/2017 08:17

Maybe it's because it's lunch. I couldn't eat 3 courses at lunch but for dinner maybe (starter, main, cheese as no sweet tooth).

Rebeccaslicker · 30/11/2017 08:19

Ha, honestly I hate nearly all puddings, even cake. I like ice cream and cheesecake (but not baked American ones, urgh) and that's it. I esp hate fruit on puddings. My v sweet tooth goes for chocolate and sweeties. Basically the palate of a young child Blush

MrLovebucket · 30/11/2017 08:46

Bluntness I can honestly say I've never come across the sanctimonious/smug attitude the OP describes. I'm not denying it happens (as clearly it does!) but I've not experienced it myself. I have female friends who could polish off 5 courses and some who struggle with one, large course. How odd that people can be different eh.

Who the fuck hates all desserts?

Some people probably do, but anyway we're talking about the relatively limited range of desserts offered when eating out rather than dessert in general. I don't like tarts, crumbles, cake, sticky toffee pudding etc. As I don't eat dairy that rules out ice cream so I'd be left with little or no choice even if I wanted dessert.

The world is not defined by your experiences alone.

bananasaregood · 30/11/2017 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speakout · 30/11/2017 09:41

I don't have a sweet tooth either. Neither do the kids. In our house it's only OH that will eat a pudding. I don't like ice cream, nor do the kids. No sweet tooth.
DD still has an unopened chocolate Easter egg in her bedroom.

The thought of something like a cup cake piled high with sweet buttercream actually makes me feel quite sick.

Rebeccaslicker · 30/11/2017 09:45

Garlic bread as pudding? Garlic bread? (Peter Kay voice)

Welsh rarebit as pudding I have done though!

paxillin · 30/11/2017 10:31

Why is anybody discussing this as if it mattered whether they like fucking pudding?

OP is an ageist and misogynist who points and laughs at fat women.

JaneEyre70 · 30/11/2017 10:36

I'm diabetic, and would love to have a pudd after each meal but I can't. My feeling is that if we are in a naice restaurant and the puddings are made there and appealing, I will have one as a treat and really enjoy every mouthful of it. But in a chain/pub, I won't bother as I know that it will have come out of a freezer after being made in a factory, and frankly it's a waste of medication and calories Grin.

Rebeccaslicker · 30/11/2017 10:38

Maybe because pudding is a nicer topic and conversations evolve?!

Pudding pudding pudding.

TeaAndToast85 · 30/11/2017 10:50

My mum is one of those ladies. "Oh, you're having a starter/dessert are you? I couldn't POSSIBLY."

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2017 11:06

MrLovebucket I agree; the desserts generally on offer don't appeal to me. I happen not to like chocolate, not in any form, and most dessert menus are quite chocolate-centric because a lot of people do like it which is fair enough.

I'm starting to think that the posters who feel that their dining companions are being 'sanctimonious' should just stop eating with them altogether - for everybody's sake. I've noticed some, let's call them 'pudding puritans' but they're pretty obvious, annoying to everybody in range of them and so should be easy to swipe back and ignore. I don't think there are so many of them about that people are in fear of eating whatever it is they want to eat.

If there are then we really owe it to our own children to not put up with that because if they see us kowtowing over something that is nobody else's business, well what message does it give them? What food issues will they inherit?

My husband deals with breakfast mostly but if I need to, I will. It's a normal meal and just because I don't eat it doesn't mean that I want our children to start not eating it because they're following what I'm doing.

I think that some of these 'doing it for effect' people must really be suffering from disordered eating themselves and I wonder where that came from?

This is one thing that we should be challenging. Nobody, but nobody, has the right to tell an adult what they should and shouldn't be eating and perhaps shunning the worst offenders would make them thing - and stop it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2017 11:07

*think

KERALA1 · 30/11/2017 11:17

I think some of the responses to the OP are quite strong! Presumably those people have never met pudding puritans (great phase!).

Its not about who the hell eats what its the sanctimonious tinkly little laugh "oh I couldn't possibly eat a PUDDING" with a little passive aggressive glance at your lemon meringue pie Grin.

Only ever come across this on dire works events some of the secretaries in old office were like this - work from home now so can chomp away with no judgement ha Grin

Rebeccaslicker · 30/11/2017 11:27

Ooh lemon meringue pie. Now THERE's a pudding that beats the "all puddings are grim" view! Best of all is a lemon meringue ice cream sundae though...

PolkaDottyRose · 30/11/2017 11:29

This definitely happens, have seen it myself. I just ignore it now. Life is too short.

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2017 11:41

Of course it happens. Lol.

And yes I don’t know any female, other than someone who would be sadly unwell who can’t ear a three course meal. Friends I have dinner with, colleagues I have lunch with, and every single one, just like a man, can put it away if they chose to.

I’m sure there are women with very small tummies who can’t eat more than a main course or who have an aversion to all things pudding related though. However this thread isn’t about them, it’s about rhe people who deny themselves then do the little sanctimonious smug pointed look at your chocolate gateau as they exclaim “oh I couldn’t possibly, I’m just so stuffed”.

And yeah, then go home and raid the biscuit tin.

PumpkinSquash · 30/11/2017 11:59

"It's horrible to be the only person having pudding. I once went out with my then boyfriend to a nice restaurant that does fab puddings. I told him to leave enough room for pudding. He wolfed his main dish and wouldn't even have a light dessert but watched me eat mine. Ruined the meal for me. "

Confused Why on earth would it be horrible to be the only one eating pudding? You can't force feed someone into eating pudding just to make yourself feel better about your eating habits/hang ups!
You sound exactly like my MIL. She won't have pudding if nobody else does, and makes a huge big song and dance about how we should be having one too, or makes out she's hard done by if she doesn't get one.
Nobody said you couldn't have one MIL, have a bloody pudding if you want! So weird, and you sound like another pudding weirdo with issues too! Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2017 11:59

Bluntness you move in very limited circles then. Why not, as you advocate so strongly on other threads, just accept people (and particularly women, for what they are, regardless of (what you perceive is) the size of their tummies?

We ALL hate sanctimonious people as you've described and we know that they do exist. Now how about a strategy for confronting and confounding these idiots? Preferably with a little sting in the tail to deter them from ever uttering such nonsense again.

Rebeccaslicker · 30/11/2017 12:03

I wouldn't want to be the only one eating pudding or a starter either, I must say. You feel like everyone is watching you! Not saying that's right, but it's a feeling not a legal argument. Lots of people do seem to feel that way; if you go out in a group, most people IME will say "oh nothing for me then" if nobody else wants an extra course.

MikeUniformMike · 30/11/2017 12:06

It was meant to be a romantic meal out that he had asked me to choose the restaurant. I chose that one because of the fab dessert. He could have just had a fruit salad or something 'to keep me company'.
I very rarely have pudding instead of staring at me and begging a taste.

Otherwise, I normally don't have pudding but that place does something wonderful. If it was a group of friends, I would not have minded.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2017 12:09

I like the solution upthread whereby after the main course the non-dessert person ordered a starter so that they were both eating something. I would do that. Have the main course first then dinner partner could have a dessert and I would have a starter.

Not with my mother though because as ferocious as she is about her wanting a dessert, if she though I would order another savoury food she'd just say, "Fine, I won't have pudding. Let's go". And she'd be in high dudgeon.

I do like lemon meringue pie so if that was an option I would choose it and enjoy it, but for some reason it seems to be left off in favour of chocolate or caramel whatever.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2017 12:10

Mike, why wouldn't you have minded if it was a group of friends? What's the difference?

Did he eat some of your dessert? If so he should have just ordered and eaten one himself.

goingonabearhunt1 · 30/11/2017 12:11

It's fascinating how hung up women are about food. Ppl shame you if you eat too much, if you eat too little, comment on what you eat/don't eat etc. I think a lot of it is projection about their own guilt. I've had comments that I eat loads, that I don't eat enough, why aren't I eating meat, why aren't I drinking more alcohol and so it continues.

I try and ignore it and just have what I want.

There does seem to be a weird attitude in this country though that anything sweet is automatically 'a treat' and vegetables and so on are to be suffered through. Therefore ppl think you're denying yourself if you ever say no to a sweet thing and try and persuade you to have it. I find that weird. Fair enough sweet things can be nice, but I love savoury food mainly and I agree with pp who said that restaurant puddings often aren't that great. I never comment on what other ppl order though or give them funny looks Grin

goingonabearhunt1 · 30/11/2017 12:12

*in the UK that should have said, sorry I know posters could be elsewhere

goingonabearhunt1 · 30/11/2017 12:13

This thread has reminded me that I have two work Christmas meals coming up; I will observe to see if anybody comments on what others have Grin