To think some women are smug about not having dessert?

[Tobythecat]

It seems to be mainly the older women, but I've noticed that a few of the social groups that I go to (there are a lot of older women there) seem horrified when asked to pick their three course lunch for Christmas at a local restaurant. They are fine with starters, but a lot of them say things like "I couldn't eat dessert as well, it would be too much for me" in a really judgy tone. The best one was from one of the women who is about 20 stone saying she couldn't eat a two or three course meal

I don't know if it's because women are supposed to be seen as dainty and ladylike and not have big appetites, but it just comes across as so smug.

AIBU to think that some women are really smug about the whole cake/dessert thing?

I’m not a sweets person. I quite like the petit fours served with coffee & that’s usually as much dessert as I need. The thought of the treacle tart mentioned upthread makes me recoil slightly - I don’t like overly sweet flavours.

I drink loads of red wine, I assure you I’m getting the empty calories in other ways

I don’t care who orders dessert though and wouldn’t think twice about anyone who did. No one gets a prize on their deathbed either way.

I'm old and not only do I sometimes refuse a pudding, I quite often pass on a starter too. This is because I drink a lot of wine which suppresses my appetite and quite possibly also makes me look smug.

Agree with Mike - it's the feeling of being full that stops me eating. I don't sit there and plough through a meal I'm not enjoying just for the sake of it.

Also agree with Mike re: the salad comment. I had one woman say to me "how are you going to eat ALL THAT?!" more than once when I ordered a large garden salad; the dressing probably had more calories than the salad leaves/tomato. The fact she was eating burger and chips with a side of onion rings made it all the more odd. I think she had very little concept of nutrition to be fair.

I’m not sure why anyone unless they’re on a date, have some very strange friends, or they themselves are quite strange ? would be trying to project a dainty or virtuous image when eating out. I think the issue is with yourself. if you want a dessert order one, it doesn’t matter what other people are having.

YANBU. Probably the same women who are all superior about getting up early. Or getting by on no sleep. Or doing all the work for Christmas.

Bore off, smug women!

I don’t like dessert so I rarely have it.

I have more wine

Normally I am a 2 course kind of person. Like to leave enough room for the wine

I would almost always choose a dessert over a starter, dessert is definitely more of a treat for me.

I was recently diagnosed with pregnancy related diabetes though.... so I would choose one course [and it would have to be a very "sensible" (low GI) option]

The irony of choosing dessert over starter and being diabetic is not lost on me

Also, if I do have a rich dessert with my wine I’m prone to throwing up.

Mike but how can it ruin the meal for you if you got your pud - presuming that your boyfriend didn't steal any of it? I have this scenario with my mum, she LOVES puddings, I don't. I will order one just to have it on the table and she'll eat that one as well but she really enjoys them and I don't. I'd rather we just had a main and she had a pudding at home if she doesn't feel comfortable in a restaurant. Maybe that's another solution?

..... and heartburn, indigestion, sleepless night etc.

I’m an older woman.
You have no idea OP.
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

Some people don’t like desert. Others can’t for it in. And!????

YABU. I am a good size 18. Nothing skinny about me but I can't eat puddings or starters. I can only fit in a restaurant size main course although I do eat it all. Some people like myself just can't eat lots in one go. I eat too much over a whole day but never in one sitting. I don't judge others though. I'm always jealous that people can fit in all the tasty desserts.

Most restaurants take starters and mains orders together, then come back to ask if you could fancy puddings, don't they? I've never been asked to order a dessert before finishing the savoury courses, ever.

Large groups and set menus Sock

I have 3 such meals coming up

Personally I'm prettty smug about having dessert (had an excellent dessert tonight btw).

What I find smug is people who say they don’t eat breakfast/lunch. I just cannot function without regular meals.

Why is THAT smug, ffs? I don't eat breakfast because I can't stand the smell of food in the morning. Do you envy me that?

I wouldn't look at you eating breakfast and think anything of it, or of you.

Think of it this way, just because your olfactory sense and digestion are working perfectly doesn't mean that everybody's does. Should I find you smug? Or just do what I do, ie. let you get on with your shit and not give it a thought?

theymademejoin
That is brilliant. I think I would be feel too socially awkward to break the rules of courses so would still be hungry and buy a snack on the way home
Talk about a very British problem.

I'm starting to think that even general statements - if they are a trigger point for some posters - are taken as 'being smug' when they're just a simple statement.

Are people really raising eyebrows at you (general)? Sitting watching you eat with their arms crossed? Commenting on your food other than in a mildly interested way? If not then these are your issues and insecurities and you're projecting them.

I know that there are some very determined 'food botherers' out there but they're not subtle, everybody knows they do it and they can safely be ignored or chided to pipe down, can't they?

I'm starting to think that even general statements - if they are a trigger point for some posters - are taken as 'being smug' when they're just a simple statement
I agree.
People who are content with their food habits are too busy having their own food habits to nit pick others (or even notice unless it's significanlty out of normal/common range).
It's people who feel guilty about their sweet tooth who will tend to assume those who don't eat sweet stuff are smug.

Put it this way, I've never thought a friend was smug for declining a starter or a cheeseboard, or after dinner coffee (all of which I love).
Yet decline a pudding and it seems to hit a nerve with some people.

lying

I agree

I dont have breakfast...i really don't understand how thats smug, its just a statement of fact

Another non-breakfaster here, just can't face food first thing in the morning. By 10/11am I'm hungry so always have a selection of snacks in my desk drawer to tide me over until lunch.

I think some people have a very weird idea of what 'smug' means

MaisyPops, I think that's it. It's the 'sweet tooth' thing that some people feel guilt about but they don't feel the same pangs about savoury things.

I personally can't be in the same house as Wotsits or I would eat them all. I can be surrounded by chocolate and ignore it.

I wonder if it's because puddings have always been a 'treat' or something for 'after dinner' so people think that they're 'unnecessary' and therefore eating them is greedy (and unnecessary) and they are therefore uncontrolled gluttons? To me, puddings (well, cheeseboard like you) are just part of dinner if you have them. Whether the end is sweet or savoury it's the same thing, just part of dinner. It's just food. Kjoules of energy...

Rufus, indeed. Some people eat light breakfasts anyway, just fruit or something and others treat breakfast as the main meal and have several different foods. And some, like us, don't. And it's fine. Or it is in my world.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I agree.
I'm like you. Crisps and cheese are my weakness.
I don't view food as a treat or good/bad and have the view of eat what I like when I like in moderation. No guilt.
If I have a pudding then I'll order and enjoy it. If I don't fancy it then I won't.

MrLovebucket, yes they do. I think it's also a 'women's' issue because I've never seen or hear of a (non-eating disordered man) who gives this the same headspace as some women do.

I think if we kept our focus on our own eating habits and made peace with them we'd be a hell of a lot happier.