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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some women are smug about not having dessert?

373 replies

Tobythecat · 29/11/2017 13:28

It seems to be mainly the older women, but I've noticed that a few of the social groups that I go to (there are a lot of older women there) seem horrified when asked to pick their three course lunch for Christmas at a local restaurant. They are fine with starters, but a lot of them say things like "I couldn't eat dessert as well, it would be too much for me" in a really judgy tone. The best one was from one of the women who is about 20 stone saying she couldn't eat a two or three course meal Grin

I don't know if it's because women are supposed to be seen as dainty and ladylike and not have big appetites, but it just comes across as so smug.

AIBU to think that some women are really smug about the whole cake/dessert thing?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2017 22:08

MaisyPops, that's how I feel too but some people - like my mum - seems to feel deprived somehow if she doesn't have a pudding. However, she won't order pudding if I don't have it as well. So I order one and don't eat it. Then she sulks. It's all very awkward and it's a real trigger for her, puddings. I don't enjoy eating out with her because of this but she does feel 'treated' when we go out so we do.

Talking of eating generally I sometimes have days when I'm hungry as a horse and will eat quite a lot and other days when I'm really meh about food and don't really eat much at all.

I could ALWAYS be tempted with Wotsits though... addictive little cheesy buggers. I weaned myself off Mini Cheddars and went straight onto Wotsits. Grin

Ellybellyboo · 29/11/2017 22:09

I can't cope with breakfast either. I can't eat until about 10am, I'm just not hungry and don't see the point in forcing myself to eat until I am, just because I 'should' eat breakfast. It makes me feel a bit sick.

I have had comments about my eating habits - I love stuff like salad, I don't like big plates of food (a huge restaurant portion scares my appetite away) and I don't like sweet stuff very much and sometimes people seem to think I'm passing judgement on them. I'm not, I couldn't give a shit what they eat. I'm just not, I'm just eating what I want and like

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2017 22:09

EUREKA! I need to smuggle in a packet of Wotsits for dessert!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2017 22:11

Seems a common theme, Ellybellyboo and this is why I think some people are seeing judgement when it's really not there at all.

TinselTwins · 29/11/2017 22:14

OP you sound like my "D"M
If you eat out with her you have to order "the works" otherwise she gets her cats-bum face on and accuses you of not getting into the spirit of some shut that thinly veils the fact that she 's trying to bully you into enabling her over -eating

I don't enjoy eating to the point of discomfort. I don't think it's necessary to try everything on offer.

She loves pointing the spotlight on women who done eat everything like her so she can then accuse them if "making a point of it" , when actually she's not given them the option of just quietly getting on with having 2courses instead of 3.

Incidentally "D"SF is the same with men & beer

Cantusethatname · 29/11/2017 22:15

I just don't like any restaurant desserts.
I like plain homemade cake and plain biscuits like hobnobs. I don't pass on them to be judgy, I just don't like cream, icecream, mousse or any variations of this.

Reflexella · 29/11/2017 22:16

Aargh my sister pudding shames me. It really pees me off.
‘O I’m so full, I couldn’t possibly’
Light weights
I powered through and ate Christmas pudding last week. I was full, I didn’t need to eat it but there was no way I was passing up an early Xmas pud & custard

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 29/11/2017 22:18

I have a few friends who seem weirdly invested in what i eat

They are lovely

Just weirdly invested

Ellybellyboo · 29/11/2017 22:20

^this is why I think some people are seeing judgement when it's really not there at all.

Yes, definitely agree.

My daughter has coeliac disease. I bake and cook a lot from scratch so I can make it gluten free and we can all eat the same meals. I discovered that some so called friends thought I was being smug and judgemental. I wasn't, I was just cooking meals that my whole family could eat. I really couldn't give a shit what other people eat, or how they cook. I'm just doing my thing, yet people thought I was judging them and being smug.

TinselTwins · 29/11/2017 22:23

"It's horrible to be the only person having pudding. I once went out with my then boyfriend to a nice restaurant that does fab puddings. I told him to leave enough room for pudding. He wolfed his main dish and wouldn't even have a light dessert but watched me eat mine. Ruined the meal for me. "

And your issues probably ruined the meal for him

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2017 22:31

Reflexella, there's a lot going on in your post...

Your sister pudding-shames you by saying "O I'm so full, I couldn't possibly". Is that not just a simple statement that she's full? What would you do/say if somebody wanted to eat something else when you were full and didn't want to be uncomfortably full?

Did you feel guilty about it? You sound as if you don't care what people think (which is healthy) yet what your sister said 'pisses you off'?

People don't have the same digestion or capacity and that's just down to their bodies. You say that you 'powered through' to eat a Christmas pudding and custard - I bet you really enjoyed it. Your body obviously copes fine with stretching a little to eat something extra 'at will'. If I ate to the point where I had to force myself, I'd probably be sick and all that nice food would be wasted. And my eyes would be all bloodshot and bruised and I'd cry. I wouldn't get the same enjoyment out of it as you and perhaps your sister is also different to you?

Is she really shaming you or do you just feel shamed?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2017 22:35

TinselTwins, I thought exactly the same about that post. I would NOT like being told to leave room for this or that just because it is something that the other person wanted to eat. They're free to eat it. Why must I if I don't want to?

That's a weird sense of entitlement thinking that you can and should be able to control what another adult does and doesn't eat.

Timefortea99 · 29/11/2017 22:42

I rarely eat pudding, usually too full. Not a smug issue but a capacity issue.

Sometimes I despair of women. The be all and end all in a woman's world (not all, but a lot) is how much they eat, how little other women eat and weight. It's boring. How many men would start a thread with that title?

Pixiedown123 · 29/11/2017 22:44

I almost never eat desert because I don’t like most deserts. I’m sick of the abuse I get for this, especially every Christmas , dinner parties etc. Just serve me a 3rd course of something deep fried and I’d be happy, it’s really not about calories.

I get called weird, odd, strange, not like us, etc and I’ve had enough. Even so, locally I can usually only manage a starter and main, if I was so desperate for desert I’d order main and desert. Leave me alone !

TinselTwins · 29/11/2017 22:45

When people do this with alcohol (mocking people who don't enable them) it's much more clearly their issue, but it's really no different when people do it with food

Timefortea99 · 29/11/2017 22:47

I don't eat breakfast either. Two meals a day, eat what I like for those 2 meals.

LouPeru · 29/11/2017 22:48

I genuinely couldn't eat a three course meal, too much in a short space of time. Don't get me wrong, I can eat a lot of shit but it needs to be spaced out a bit! Put the desert in a doggy bag and I'll eat it later 😁

Caspiana · 29/11/2017 22:50

I’m fucking greedy so am just jealous of those who can’t manage 3 courses!

I do agree that there are a few people who say it for effect though.

Originalfoogirl · 29/11/2017 22:52

When people do this with alcohol (mocking people who don't enable them)

This happens to me all the time, pisses me right off.

TinselTwins · 29/11/2017 22:59

"I do agree that there are a few people who say it for effect though. ".
Uh huh
And people who order a soft drink instead of booze are unsociable, boring, need to let their hair down, yada yada had a

They're all doing it to be awkward, meanwhile you would be outraged if expected to eat/drink what they eat/drink

Reflexella · 29/11/2017 23:04

Apologies I thought this was a light hearted thing. I don’t care that much.

DullAndOld · 29/11/2017 23:08

" It seems to be mainly the older women, "

nice bit of age biatching there OP.
fyi your appetite decreases as you get older, and your metabolism slows down, making it easier to put on weight. Therefore either way you eat less.
Nothing 'smug' about it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2017 23:08

No, I'm sorry, Reflexella. It just reminds me of my mum's funny thing about desserts hence my long and very serious post to you.

brownpurse · 29/11/2017 23:10

Its too late to read the whole thread! However I totally agree with the Op. I will happily eat three courses but some women seem to want to make you feel uncomfortable. Horrified expressions and comments that they couldn't possibly manage another mouthful.It's not a passing comment its done to make them seem a more controlled, better person. I often feel like ordering three deserts just to see their faces. I'm in my fifties and its annoyed me for years!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2017 23:11

TinselTwins yy to the alcohol. I don't drink and haven't for years but I'm happy to clink sparkling water, ice and slice as if it's a G&T and nobody would know the difference... until they find out and then it's a MASSIVE deal for some.

For choice, I'd rather have a cup of tea so a cold drink is already a concession.

Why do so many people care so much what others are eating and drinking?

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