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Original poster

Mum's immigrating and leaving me with the bills!! Help!

188 replies

Roundtumble · 28/11/2017 21:48

So basically my mum's remarried & plans to move to her husband's country late next year. She says she will spend half a year in each country and so will be home for 6 months of the year BUT she wants to hand over all finances to me & put them in my name too.
This includes the rent (we live in a council house) utility bills & council tax. My teenage brother still lives at home & so I will be taking care of him also. He is a legal adult age working on his future and only recently started part time work that doesn't pay a huge amount.

I already help my mum out a lot at home (once we hit 18 we had to pay our way) paying just under half the rent & help with the utility bills and food shop. I don't begrudge it, except not having any say on how much I can afford to give every month and feeling like I had to sacrfice uni to help out at home.
She has been a great single mother to 5 children and did her utmost best to provide for us all and so now believes it's her turn to live her life and follow her dreams.
I understand all of that & want her to live the rest of her life being happy but it seems like since she has set her mind to it she has put everything else to the side including her role as a mother.
I've asked her how she expects me to pay for everything & look after my brother too. Her response was 'well I have to which she doesn't because I help out a huge deal. She says the house will be mine and so I have to foot the bills though she'll be here for 6 months of the year. When I said she'd have to help when she was here she said it'd no longer be her house, she'd just be here on holiday.

I don't know what do to or think or feel anymore. I'm pretty stressed at the moment and currently searching frantically to find a better paid job because as it is now ALL of my wage would go on bills alone.
I'm still young, 24 and trying to save towards my future business. I've always been far maturer than my age- I've been cleaning and cooking since 8, I was trusted with large amounts of money to bring to the bank, paid bills and did the food shop for then 6 people and came back by cab from age 11 & up.
If my mum goes and leaves me in this predicament I may as well forget about living my life.

I've tried to talk to her about it as have my siblings but she won't have any of it and says we are ganging up on her and don't want her to be happy.

Apologies for the long message and information all over the place but do you think I'm being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I'm really happy my mum is following her dream but what about mine? What do I do?
Thanks for your time and any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
LurkingHusband · 29/11/2017 09:36

I told my mum I may have to downsize and she said it wouldn't really do anything to put a dent in the cost so may as well keep this one.

Haven't RTFT but this has just whacked me smack in the eye.

Behaviour where your opinions and decisions are immediately brushed aside - almost as if the other person had anticipated them - is classic narc controlling behaviour, which will have spilled over into every aspect of your relationship. Have you ever said no to your DM before ?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/11/2017 09:55

Not sure what you do currently for a job but could you get a live in position somewhere?
Hotel, pub, nanny?

Original poster
Roundtumble · 29/11/2017 09:56

@LurkingHusband
'We grew up in a very strict, respect & adhere to your parents rules at all costs' so no, when growing up saying 'No' was not an option. Now as I am older I have taken back a bit of control over my own life but still have a way to go yet.

To those shocked at what I did as a young child, those were my decisions, I liked to help and would often offer. I wasn't forced or guilt tripped into it. It's just the type of person I was and am. But of course I know now that my dm is taking it too far.

OP posts:
tinysparklyshoes · 29/11/2017 09:58

Go to the council and ask for an exchange for a 2 bed flat for you and your brother. They will bite your hand off as you must be in a 3-4 bed already

Or they will chuck her out, because lets face it, a 24 year old single woman shouldn't be getting housed by the council, should she?

Original poster
Roundtumble · 29/11/2017 10:01

@hellsbellsmelons
I am a nanny and have thought about going for a live in, even applied for some but they do not pay enough & even then there is no real security in that. I could lose my job, they could decide they no longer need me etc. So I'm looking for a full time live out position with as many hours as possible so that if push comes to shove I can be earning enough that I can keep the house and take care of my brother and myself. Thanks for the suggestion :)

OP posts:
dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 29/11/2017 10:05

You may not have been forced or guilt tripped into it, but your mum shouldn't have allowed you to do so much. You were a child and should have been treated as such.

gamerchick · 29/11/2017 10:06

Or they will chuck her out, because lets face it, a 24 year old single woman shouldn't be getting housed by the council, should she?

Eh, why on earth not? Confused

GladAllOver · 29/11/2017 10:08

OP, your mother is being selfish and controlling. That much is certain. It's also possible that she is getting you involved in something illegal.

Every council has different rules about transferring tenancies, so none of the opinions or experiences given here are valid for your particular case.

Have a look at your local Council's website, which may well explain their rules. Or speak to the local CAB.

If you feel able to PM me your Council name, I will do it for you.

Your priority now is to look after yourself and your brother. Your mother has ruled herself out of consideration, and in the nicest possible way she will not be there for ever so the tenancy will come into question anyway.

Good luck with sorting this out.

LurkingHusband · 29/11/2017 10:15

OP, your mother is being selfish and controlling. That much is certain. It's also possible that she is getting you involved in something illegal.

From experience with my MiL, almost certainly.

mishfish · 29/11/2017 10:29

Not read the full thread but absolutely do not give up a secure social housing tenancy.

Complete agree with Kr1st1na- let her sign over then swap for a 2 bed for you and your brother. Even if you stay in the original place don’t let her stay with you when she comes back unless she agrees to pay a contribution towards bills.

I’m sorry she’s being like this

But please seek as much advice as possible before making any decisions

LagunaBubbles · 29/11/2017 10:29

Or they will chuck her out, because lets face it, a 24 year old single woman shouldn't be getting housed by the council, should she?

Why not? Council houses are for anyone who needs an affordable place to live.

My brother inherited my Mums Council house after she died but that was because she had made him a joint tenant.

tinysparklyshoes · 29/11/2017 10:35

Why not? Council houses are for anyone who needs an affordable place to live

Yeah because that's how it works in the real world Hmm

sinceyouask · 29/11/2017 10:38

Why are people telling op not to give up a council tenancy? She doesn't have one. Her mother has one, not op. Op almost certainly won't be able to take over the tenancy of the house, no council or HA in the country is currently going to sign a 4 bed house over to a single woman and possibly her adult brother.

LagunaBubbles · 29/11/2017 10:40

Yeah because that's how it works in the real world

Well thats how it works here in West Scotland....last time I checked we are still part of the "real world" Hmm

Still have to wait until something becomes available obviously but anyone can put their name on the list.

amicissimma · 29/11/2017 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfortuna · 29/11/2017 11:05

Your mum is trying to pull a fast one here
You need to get your ducks in a row!

ohfortuna · 29/11/2017 11:08

She thinks that because she brought up her children now it's your turn to look after her and make sacrifices for her.
But it isn't, she made the choice to be a parent you don't owe her anything

TheNoodlesIncident · 29/11/2017 11:15

[I'd] feel guilty that I'd leave her with no home to come back to

But why? She is an adult making her own choices, why should you feel guilty at making arrangements for yourself? Your mum has told you that she will be coming back to live off you for 6 months and has no intention to help in any way. WHY would you feel guilty about saying, "Nope, not happening"? She isn't your responsibility! She is not a child dependent on others - unlike you as a child, with all the joys of running a household...

I'm all for children having tasks around the house, learning about cracking on with jobs that have to be done - but this is much more than that. You might think you did it voluntarily but I bet you my last dollar there was a reasonable amount of manipulation there to make you do it and make you think that you ought to and want to. It's fine to do onerous things like that once in a while to help out, but all the time?! I bet you weren't the eldest either. (Are you the only girl or have you sisters? Did they do as much?)

And with respect to the house, I would also bet there's a waiting list a mile long for four bed houses, with families desperate to get settled

ohfortuna · 29/11/2017 11:25

If she is getting married in another country why does she still need a home over here, does she not think the marriage will succeed?
She wants to have her cake and eat it .....start a new life but leave you working away on her behalf to keep the home fires burning in case she wants to go back to her old life

myrtleWilson · 29/11/2017 11:34

hi roundtable
am not sure if you've been asked/answered this - but is the tenancy just in your mother's name or are you named as a joint tenant?

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 29/11/2017 11:36

You need informed advice from people who know what they're talking about. I'd go to Shelter first of all. Be really honest and up front with them. Don't let your Mum talk you into pretending she's still there full time if she isn't

LurkingHusband · 29/11/2017 11:39

Personally, I'd advise the OP to tell their DM that they have contacted the CAB over this, and are awaiting their advice. I suspect such news would provoke a reaction. But it's essential it's presented as a fait accompli, so something already done, not that the OP "is thinking about".

zzzzz · 29/11/2017 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

innagazing · 29/11/2017 12:38

You should apply for university and live in halls. I went in my 20s and it was good. Be bold and aim high.
Halls are usually only for the first year, and some don't let you stay over holidays. Op still needs to have a home somewhere for the sake of longer term security for her and her brother.
Op needs to clarify the situation with the tenancy either through Shelter, CAB or her own council, as soon as possible.

oldlaundbooth · 29/11/2017 12:49

You're a nanny op?

Go work abroad.

You're 24!!!

Grab life with both hands!

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