Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum's immigrating and leaving me with the bills!! Help!

188 replies

Roundtumble · 28/11/2017 21:48

So basically my mum's remarried & plans to move to her husband's country late next year. She says she will spend half a year in each country and so will be home for 6 months of the year BUT she wants to hand over all finances to me & put them in my name too.
This includes the rent (we live in a council house) utility bills & council tax. My teenage brother still lives at home & so I will be taking care of him also. He is a legal adult age working on his future and only recently started part time work that doesn't pay a huge amount.

I already help my mum out a lot at home (once we hit 18 we had to pay our way) paying just under half the rent & help with the utility bills and food shop. I don't begrudge it, except not having any say on how much I can afford to give every month and feeling like I had to sacrfice uni to help out at home.
She has been a great single mother to 5 children and did her utmost best to provide for us all and so now believes it's her turn to live her life and follow her dreams.
I understand all of that & want her to live the rest of her life being happy but it seems like since she has set her mind to it she has put everything else to the side including her role as a mother.
I've asked her how she expects me to pay for everything & look after my brother too. Her response was 'well I have to which she doesn't because I help out a huge deal. She says the house will be mine and so I have to foot the bills though she'll be here for 6 months of the year. When I said she'd have to help when she was here she said it'd no longer be her house, she'd just be here on holiday.

I don't know what do to or think or feel anymore. I'm pretty stressed at the moment and currently searching frantically to find a better paid job because as it is now ALL of my wage would go on bills alone.
I'm still young, 24 and trying to save towards my future business. I've always been far maturer than my age- I've been cleaning and cooking since 8, I was trusted with large amounts of money to bring to the bank, paid bills and did the food shop for then 6 people and came back by cab from age 11 & up.
If my mum goes and leaves me in this predicament I may as well forget about living my life.

I've tried to talk to her about it as have my siblings but she won't have any of it and says we are ganging up on her and don't want her to be happy.

Apologies for the long message and information all over the place but do you think I'm being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I'm really happy my mum is following her dream but what about mine? What do I do?
Thanks for your time and any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
traviata · 28/11/2017 22:16

Take care.

If you go to the council and say 'mum is going to live abroad for half the year' they may start a possession claim in court on the basis that the council flat is no longer her primary residence.

Please get some legal advice first. Shelter run a helpline, CAB do housing advice - speak to them first.

But ultimately I agree with other posters that your freedom and happiness is more important than sacrificing yourself to keep this flat and giving your mum somewhere to live rent free. Your mum obviously tried hard for you and your siblings - but that is what parenting is about, and she can't decide that it's your turn to be the mother.

Kr1st1na · 28/11/2017 22:16

If you are thinking of subletting then you need to check your tenancy conditions allow this.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 28/11/2017 22:17

People telling you to give up.a secure council property to rent privately are clueless. You probably wouldn't save much anyway.

Have you considered taking in a lodger?

Original poster
Roundtumble · 28/11/2017 22:18

@barrythekestrel thanks for the advice. I think things are becoming a little clearer now

OP posts:
donajimena · 28/11/2017 22:19

Another one saying please try and keep the tenancy and downsize. Don't move into a private rental unless you can't succeed the tenancy or private rents are abundant and much cheaper.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 28/11/2017 22:20

I would leave (unless the house is in London, in which case it would be worth putting up with a lot for, but the council probably wouldn't transfer it to your name).

If not in London just run like the wind. Your mother's responsibilities are not yours to shoulder, but if you stay where you are you will end up carrying them. Also, for the six months a year that she is home, she will fully look on it as her home rather than yours. And if the marriage doesn't work out she will just come back and take over. Just run!

category12 · 28/11/2017 22:20

I wouldn't listen to your mum about downsizing from a 4 bedroom house to a smaller one not making any difference to the costs Hmm. That's obvious bullshit.

Allthewaves · 28/11/2017 22:21

You need to get some advice on the housing front. If it can transferred? Bedroom tax etc.

Honestly I don't see problem with her going abroad. Your both over 18. By 24 I was married and had been running my own home for years. I would have a problem with her expecting to stay for 6 months.

Original poster
Roundtumble · 28/11/2017 22:21

@raisinsarenottheonlyfruit
I have considered a other but not sure how it works being in a council flat, all the legalities... do I have to declare that I've taken someone in, will the rent increase. I'll admit I don't know much about housing so will have to do my research

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 28/11/2017 22:22

Round here they would happily offer you a smaller 3 bed as 4 bedrooms are like golddust

Schlimbesserung · 28/11/2017 22:22

Yes, I'd definitely check about the relative costs of a 4 bed vs. a 2 bed house. That doesn't sound right at all.

Deemail · 28/11/2017 22:23

Your mother is manipulating you into picking up the slack so she can move on with her life. Meanwhile she's tied you down nicely with financial and family responsibilities. That's very unjust.

Tell her you're not able for the commitment, keep saying no and let her find another way of meeting her own responsibilities.

Deep down you may have accepted that if she goes regardless of your brother you'll take care of him but you don't need to divulge that info to her.

She's taking advantage of you massively for a long time. You've never experienced otherwise so you don't realise that this isn't normal or right.

JaneEyre70 · 28/11/2017 22:23

The honest truth of it is that she isn't thinking of anyone other than herself in this. And you are the only person that can think of you. It's your life, and do what suits you. You owe your Mum nothing given how much support you've given her over the years, and your brother is her responsibility not yours. I'd get out now, as soon as you can. It will be hard but you need to live your own life Flowers.

HidingUnderARock · 28/11/2017 22:25

I'd be surprised if the council let you take over the tenancy of a 4bed as a single person with no dependents, and your mum can't keep the tenancy if she is not living there. Be very careful you don't get suckered into a criminal record for fraud if your mum wants you to pretend she hasn't left.
Seriously, this is the perfect time to apply to university. Get your own life before it gets even more complicated.

FloraFox · 28/11/2017 22:25

Don't give up the council house. Get the tenancy from your mum then rent out her room when she goes away (if that's possible). It's very unreasonable of her to expect you to pay the rent on her room for 12 months so she can have a six month holiday.

She's either being very selfish about this or she somehow can't see the impact of her leaving on your finances.

caringcarer · 28/11/2017 22:25

Could you get housing benefit to help you pay for the rent? Check with the council. Go to CAB and explain everything and see what they suggest. Do you want to go to Uni, if so apply and see if they can offer you accomodation. Many Uni's have hardship funds. Your brother may want to apply to Uni too.

specialsubject · 28/11/2017 22:26

She may not find this as easy as she thinks. She will lose a lot of entitlements by leaving the UK for half the year. If she is a british citizen about the only thing she may be entitled to is to be here.

Boysnme · 28/11/2017 22:26

You talk about 5 dc but only that you are going to be responsible for 1 brother. Where do your other siblings stay?

Feedmepringles · 28/11/2017 22:27

Wow... people..less of the moving out talk..let her sign the house over to you..provided all bills are up to date..then do a house swap for a one bed flat ,or two bed flat if your brother wants to go halves..what she does when she comes back for 6 months is her problem

ChinkChink · 28/11/2017 22:28

You really need to address the issue of whether your mother intends to retain the tenancy in her own name or apply to the LA to transfer it to you.

I doubt whether the former is within the terms of tenancy and whether the latter is possible.

Graceflorrick · 28/11/2017 22:28

So your mother will be able to stay with you for 6 months every year rent and bill free, what a lucky lady. Will she be working at all during that period?

OhBigHairyBollocks · 28/11/2017 22:28

Roundtumble

Hi 😊 I work in housing. This is a shit predicament that your mum.is leaving you in and there are some facts that you need to get straight first. You are under the age of 25 so you will be eligible for some help (not financial, but at least some support) and so will your brother. what area are you based in? I can put you in touch with some organisations.
You will.need to go to the council as soon as possible and tell them this your mothers plan. The tenancy will.need to be transferred to you but in all honesty, they probably wont allow it. A 4 bed council house certainly costs ALOT more than a 2 bed place. I would definitely recommend staying where you are though, dont move out into private rent, its so much more expensive and less secure. Seek advice as soon as possible. You can contact me via PM if you prefer- I'm in the south east.

Original poster
Roundtumble · 28/11/2017 22:29

@Boysnme
My other siblings have all moved out and live with their partners

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 28/11/2017 22:29

You probably won’t get the tenancy transferred. I know of somebody in our area that lived in a council house with is mum. When she died he had to leave the house. They wouldn’t transfer the tenancy. Your Mum or you should find out about this now. No good making plans if you can’t keep the house

category12 · 28/11/2017 22:29

Yeah, my concern would be that there's no real possibility of her legally giving you the tenancy, and instead you would be in the position of lying that she still lives there. As well as being stuck with all the responsibility.