Mum's immigrating and leaving me with the bills!! Help!

[Roundtumble]

So basically my mum's remarried & plans to move to her husband's country late next year. She says she will spend half a year in each country and so will be home for 6 months of the year BUT she wants to hand over all finances to me & put them in my name too.
This includes the rent (we live in a council house) utility bills & council tax. My teenage brother still lives at home & so I will be taking care of him also. He is a legal adult age working on his future and only recently started part time work that doesn't pay a huge amount.

I already help my mum out a lot at home (once we hit 18 we had to pay our way) paying just under half the rent & help with the utility bills and food shop. I don't begrudge it, except not having any say on how much I can afford to give every month and feeling like I had to sacrfice uni to help out at home.
She has been a great single mother to 5 children and did her utmost best to provide for us all and so now believes it's her turn to live her life and follow her dreams.
I understand all of that & want her to live the rest of her life being happy but it seems like since she has set her mind to it she has put everything else to the side including her role as a mother.
I've asked her how she expects me to pay for everything & look after my brother too. Her response was 'well I have to which she doesn't because I help out a huge deal. She says the house will be mine and so I have to foot the bills though she'll be here for 6 months of the year. When I said she'd have to help when she was here she said it'd no longer be her house, she'd just be here on holiday.

I don't know what do to or think or feel anymore. I'm pretty stressed at the moment and currently searching frantically to find a better paid job because as it is now ALL of my wage would go on bills alone.
I'm still young, 24 and trying to save towards my future business. I've always been far maturer than my age- I've been cleaning and cooking since 8, I was trusted with large amounts of money to bring to the bank, paid bills and did the food shop for then 6 people and came back by cab from age 11 & up.
If my mum goes and leaves me in this predicament I may as well forget about living my life.

I've tried to talk to her about it as have my siblings but she won't have any of it and says we are ganging up on her and don't want her to be happy.

Apologies for the long message and information all over the place but do you think I'm being unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I'm really happy my mum is following her dream but what about mine? What do I do?
Thanks for your time and any advice is appreciated.

As far as losing entitlements, I'm pretty sure the OPs mum is planning to be officially residing with the OP and remaining registered with all services she uses.

OP, l too think be careful about giving up a council tenancy. You have (some) time still to look into options. Tenancy on a smaller place especially as a home swap via the same council will be cheaper. Play canny and don’t discuss any of your ideas with your mum till you have decided what to do. Definitely get advice from CAB or similar. In the meantime don’t be badgered into signing a tenancy agreement on the current house. You say she’s not leaving for almost another year.

I would contact Shelter or CAB for advice.
What area of the country are you in? North or South?
There is a big shortage for 4bed council properties in the UK
You can downsize to an apartment and the Council should help you with this.
Do not let your mother come back home to live with you for 6months of the year for free.
And you need to make that clear to her before she swans off doing her own thing.
I feel for you OP. Just get some really good advice

@gamerchick not being funny, I genuinely thought council rents were reasonable? And usually lower than private?

Also more secure?

@Graceflorrick
I presume so..

Make sure the advice you get is independent, because the council may play a bit fast and loose to get the tenancy back without offering you anything else. I'm pretty sure your mother can't just decide to hand the tenancy over to you, for one thing, and the last thing you need is for her to guilt you into complying with a fraud that could leave you and your brother homeless.

There’s a lot of illegal subletting of council properties so you must not let those rooms without knowing what your tenancy terms are.

If you can swap the house for a smaller council property that would be ideal. But those saying don’t give up a council house - in an ideal world that’s true - but if the OP simply cannot meet the rent, and she cannot sublet then she has no choice.

I think your brother will have to step up and get a full time job, whatever he can get.

You must say a firm no to your mum - you cannot bankroll her lifestyle.

Your mother cannot legally keep the house in her name while not living there. And you should not be facilitating that.

She wants to keep it so that if she gets ill she can come back for NHS treatment, or to stay again if she doesn't like the new country. She's using you because you have been so helpful and obliging in the past.

It's time for you to break free now and live your own life.

Your mother is a grown woman. Your mother is being very selfish. She wants to have fun but being able to come back and dip in and out as she likes without having to worry about paying a thing. I’m sure a lot of us would like to do that.
As hard as it is you need to make a decision. The council may not agree to you taking over the tenancy if there is only two of you.
It sounds that you have already sacrificed a lot in your life as a child and have always been the dependable one.
Now it’s time to put yourself first!

@TatianaLarina
Thanks for that, letting a room would help tremendously but I wasn't sure if it was legal or not. I'll be looking into all of the advice I have received tomorrow.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate everyone's input!! I'll check in again tomorrow. Good night x

You say your mum was a great mother and then you say she had you cooking and cleaning at 8, doing the weekly shop in a cab by yourself at 11, didn't let you go to uni, made you pay half the rent when there's three of you living there, and now wants you to take on her responsibility to your brother, and fund her "dreams". None of this is normal or right.

Would you like to go to uni now? There are lots of mature students, you'd get a maintenance loan, and tuition fees only have to be paid back when you're earning over a certain amount (I mean to say, don't be scared of "student debt"). It's not too late.

Before you do anything ,please do speak to independent advisors - don't rely on the council playing fair with you. If there's a way to transfer a council tenancy, ideally to a different house, it'll generally give you more housing security than a private landlord.

It sounds like your mum is trying to lie to you in order to keep a main UK residence and access to things like the NHS - don't believe her either.

Councils no longer allow transfers as they have so little housing left. You also won’t be able to get housing benefit, as you’re not the legal tenant. Your mum will be acting illegally if she does this, and depriving the council of a large house that can be used for a large family. 4 bed houses are like gold dust. Ever mind that it’s been in the family for 25 years. This doesn’t make it hers to pass on.

She needs to surrender the tenancy and you need to find somewhere else, like a house share and your brother is her responsibility.

I really hope you find a way out. You deserve to live your life, not as an extension to your Mums or beholden/guilt tripped by her.

I really don't think you should take on all this financial responsibility for your mother and fund her to live for half the year every year. Even if it means losing the house, and even if under other circumstances keeping the house would be best - parents have a strong influence and it sounds like you're very likely to end up in a vulnerable and tied down position for many years to come if you get into this now.
As others have said: put yourself first in this!

I can't understand all those saying the 18 year old brother is not the OP's problem, well, he is her BROTHER who can't possibly support himself at only 18 how can he get a place to live and support himself? Do none of you realise this is how people become homeless? Of course the OP wouldn't just leave her brother, she's not as selfish as her mum, and this is the elephant in the room isn't it? The woman has hardly been what I would call a mother to the OP.

Round now you have to take care of yourself and by doing that help your brother to get on his feet too. You'll have to tell your mum that not only is she being selfish now, she has always been. There was no need for you to become the family caretaker, she was the adult, she made decisions which she should have stood by. Lots of people are single parents without taking their kids' childhood from them. Then tell her whilst you'd like to keep in touch if she walks away from you now then she can't come back and live rent free whenever she likes. As an adult, she too must care for herself. As she has always done at your expense by the sounds of it.

Talk to Shelter first, get your legal position sorted out with regard to the tenancy; don't listen to your mum talk to people who have an idea in their head. My heart goes out to you.

Shall I ask the obvious elephant in the room questions?

Where is the husband from, how did she meet him - do you think their relationship realistic, or are you going to have to pick up the pieces from that in a wee while? Is he intending to shuffle between countries with her and expect you to support him too when ‘on holiday’?

Why do you have to ‘take responsibility ‘ for your brother when he is adult and you are barely any older?

Aaah sorry, for some reason I thought brother was 21 ...

Also, while you are getting more information & making your plans, how about calling her bluff to make her look at this from your point of view.
Just say 'I think I'll get a one bedroom flat & help DB to find something for himself' & see what she says. At the moment, her plan is all about convenience for her at your expense & it doesn't seem that she's looking at things from your side at all. It might help to flush out her real agenda as you don't seem to have the whole story right now. I can't tell whether she's being selfish or wildly naive. Maybe both?
Good luck op.

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it - go live abroad for 6 months safe in the knowledge there's a rent free home for her back in her home country for the other 6 months?!

If I was you I'd be looking for my own flat, as other PPs have said your DB is not yours to keep.

Second getting the tenancy signed over, if they will, and then swap for a smaller property.

And it does sound like your mum is kind of manipulating you. Both you and your brother now have your own lives to live. Both of you are free to follow your own dreams. Niether of you are obligated to hold off just to accommodate your mum.

Time to put yourself first.

She sounds like a terrible mother! Could you just esay no? Apply to uni. Get a student grant and move out of there.

wow. YOU SOUND GREAT not!

Ever had a child you raised alone for 27 years? Guess not....

So easy maybe in your reality.

We are great mothers by the way on Mumsnet. Whatever our situation.

You're 24, your brother's also an adult you say... I'm not seeing what the big issue is here. Circumstances change, adapt, like others far younger than you have had to do.

Like Gladallover I also think your mum wants to keep coming back everey 6 months so she can pretend she is still UK resident - catch up with her GP, stock up on meds, keep hold of her tenancy etc.

She has no intention of passing it over to you and has told you a pile of rubbish about 4 beds costing the same in rent as 2. She just wants you to pick up the pieces.

In reality she's found herself a man (go on, tell us which country that he'll never get a visa he's from) and doesn't really care about you and your DB that much. She's trying to play the system so she doesn't do herself out of her right to NHS care and keeps herself a nice rent free place back at home.