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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

371 replies

Missy450 · 28/11/2017 08:02

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

OP posts:
FormerlyFrikadela01 · 28/11/2017 09:21

Oh and trust me, formula feeding with an older toddler is a perfectly feasible plan. I'm always struck by feeding threads on here where breastfeeding women are at pains to describe how much hard work formula feeding is; strangely you don't tend to see formula feeding parents actually saying that...*

This. When I switched to formula it was a dream. Dealing with the bottles takes all of 5 minutes and funnily enough could be done by my dp unlike bf.

Taylor22 · 28/11/2017 09:22

I wouldn't have another if I knew from the tart I couldn't BF.

Also it's not her body her choice.
He's not forcing her to BF. He's saying if they can not agree on a parenting decision then she isn't getting his sperm. So his body his choice.

crunchermuncher · 28/11/2017 09:23

Of course bodily autonomy isn't just for women but no one is suggesting he does something with his body that he doesn't want to.

Of course he can have as opinion. But there are mature ways of putting that opinion across and debating it. And then there is issuing an ultimatum which it sounds like what he's doing.

piggleiggle83949 · 28/11/2017 09:23

I wouldn't be too impressed that you weren't going to try

Tough shit really isn't it? Woman's choice.

CocoDeMoll · 28/11/2017 09:23

He sounds like a controlling arse. He gets no right to tell you what to do with your body .

Everyone knows that breastfeeding is the best start for a baby, nutrition, bonding, brain development etc. That's not the issue here.

The issue is that the decision to breastfeed is solely down the he owner of the breasts.

Allthetuppences · 28/11/2017 09:23

If you're doing the majority of childcare he is being an arse. In my experience bf the second was straight forward enough with a toddler but that was my lifestyle.

Taylor22 · 28/11/2017 09:24

Tough shit to OP then Mans choice where to put his sperm Hmm

piggleiggle83949 · 28/11/2017 09:24

I wouldn't have another if I knew from the tart I couldn't BF.

Wow. You actually think formula is so bad you would rather not have a baby at all?
Ridiculous.

EB123 · 28/11/2017 09:24

Oh yes ff with a toddler is easy. I had less than 2 years between ds1 & ds2 and it was no trouble. It takes 5 minutes to wash the bottles and pop them into a Milton steriliser where they remain sterile for 24hours.

I do question why people make out that formula feeding is a real chore? It really isn't!

Taylor22 · 28/11/2017 09:25

Yes. I have two children. So another isn't desperately required. One boy one girl.
Both BF. Both have CMPA. Likely a third would have it.

So yes. If I knew from prior to conception that I couldn't BF I would not TTC

Only1scoop · 28/11/2017 09:26

I wouldn't have a second dc with such a controlling individual to be honest.

Ugh

Taylor22 · 28/11/2017 09:27

Also why is it anymore ridiculous than those that know prior to conception they will FF?

BF does mean a lot to me. Especially with my children's allergies.

PugwallsSummer · 28/11/2017 09:27

I have 2 much loved and wanted DDs. Both were FF from birth. First due to medical reasons (mine), second by choice (mine). Both are happy and healthy, we have as strong a bond as any other mum & child, and DD (at 5) is indistinguishable from her BF classmates. I was formula fed in the 70s, as were many of my friends and as far as I'm aware, I've experienced no ill effects. I really don't think formula is as awful as some would lead others to believe.

He is perfectly entitled to his opinion and to open up discussions around BF. However he is an arse for giving you an ultimatum - Breast feed or nothing.

juddyrockingcloggs · 28/11/2017 09:27

Tell him to sprout a pair of tits and he can feed baby however he likes.

I'm sorry but he's an arse.

I combination fed my baby. Because I wanted to.

My best friend FF her baby because she wanted to.

Both equally love our children and we both gave them the best.

End of story.

Liiinoo · 28/11/2017 09:29

BFIng (for me) was so much easier the second time around. I was so much more relaxed and confident and I am sure DC picked up on it. It also was much easier to fit in around my older DCs activities. Baby is unexpectedly hungry or grouchy while we are hanging around at the swimming pool/soft play/outside nursery? No problem. I cannot imagine the level of organisation needed to get out of the door with two little ones, the nappy bag and a supply of clean bottles and formula.

I think The OPs husband is being a bit of an arse to get bossy about this but I do think that it seems a waste not to at least try BFIng the second baby.

corythatwas · 28/11/2017 09:29

Surely the sensible thing to do here is to have a conversation.

Explain to him that though you were happy to breastfeed your first child, it demands levels of energy, patience and sheer and ability to remain seated in one place that he cannot imagine because he hasn't done it.

Explain that you cannot be sure how you would manage this if you had not only a baby but also an energetic toddler who needed supervision and attention at the same time.

Explain that you simply cannot make any promises about how your body or mental health will react in a second pregnancy and that knowing that the new baby has been conceived conditionally, as it were, is likely to stress you out and make you less able to care for it well.

I stopped breastfeeding my second at 4 months after my GP pointed out that my zombie like state meant I was a danger to both my children. Admittedly, this was mainly about medication, but she did make a valid point: all the breastmilk in the world won't make a difference if you drop the baby on its head.

I was very committed to breastfeeding, but having dh sit there and make conditions would have totally stressed me out about the whole baby scenario.

Only1scoop · 28/11/2017 09:29

'Tell him to sprout a pair of tits and he can feed baby however he likes.'Grin

Presuming you've already said this Op?

IHATEPeppaPig · 28/11/2017 09:30

I have tandem fed a toddler and newborn and it's not that bad - if you're open to it, I'd give it a go. You can always stop if it gets too tough for you.

Ultimately it is your choice though and it's not your husband that will be breastfeeding so unless he is willing to grow some jugs and feed the baby himself it's entirely up to you!!

Taylor22 · 28/11/2017 09:30

Tell him to sprout a pair of tits and he can feed baby however he likes.'

OP just sprout a pair of balls and impregnate yourself.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2017 09:31

I didn’t say anything about choice, I just said to say something that our bodies do naturally and have always done is ‘overhyped’ is bizarre.

See, given that it's nearly 2018 and there are so many things available to help safely FF a baby, I don't think it's bizarre at all.

If this was 1918 I would agree with you.

CocoDeMoll · 28/11/2017 09:31

People still seem to be missing the big issue here. The breast/bottle debate is almost a red herring.

a man is trying to dictate what a woman will do with her body

ArcheryAnnie · 28/11/2017 09:32

If he thinks a baby should be breastfed then he can fucking breastfeed it.

Jesus.

Taylor22 · 28/11/2017 09:32

I don't see it as that.

It's his sperm. He's not forcing her to have a baby.

If she wants the baby then it's her choice.

piggleiggle83949 · 28/11/2017 09:32

Because if you really wanted another baby, how they are fed as a baby is such a small part of their entire life.
I think it would be ridiculous to base the decision whether to have another baby on that.

In the real world away from Mumsnet formula feeding is fine as long at there is hot water, a way of sterilising and a clean kitchen.

Even with allergies there are alternative formula options.

It's not the be all and end all and I'm gobsmacked at some of the replies on here about women and their bodies.

Cutesbabasmummy · 28/11/2017 09:33

Bottle feeding is dead easy. And your husband can do night feeds - maybe that's one reason why he's so against it OP? I combination fed for a month and then gave up - it was so much easier than being stuck on the sofa for hours, not knowing how much my little boy had had. Shiftymake you obviously found breastfeeding easy - lucky you.