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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

371 replies

Missy450 · 28/11/2017 08:02

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 28/11/2017 08:21

I am a bit shocked at some of the posters agreeing with him. Not wanting to is enough reason

Why? It’s his baby too and actually the OP has said she would try. So I’m wondering how did the conversation actually go with her dh. She presents it as if she said she would never even contemplate it to her dh but then slips in she would try. So it sounds like she was being goady.

Purplelion · 28/11/2017 08:21

What a twat. Your body, your choice. I knew when I was pregnant with my 2nd that I would formula feed from birth. My OH respected this and said it was completely my decision. Plenty of women feel enough guilt over feeding their baby without unhelpful comments.
Breastfeeding a 2nd baby would not necessarily be easier and in my experience bottles are no faff, 30 seconds to warm one up and baby is fed.
There’s far too much pressure on women, we choose how to feed our babies in a way that works for us and it is no one else’s business

Witsender · 28/11/2017 08:22

He obviously doesn't want another that much. He's entitled to an opinion though, much like you are entitled to have an opinion on his opinion!

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 28/11/2017 08:22

leaves one hand free to colour, do stickers or cuddle the toddler.

For you perhaps.... for me the size and shape of my breasts meant that breastfeeding was always a 2 handed operation.

OP you're dh is a dick. Breast is best but this is one of the areas the man doesn't get a say in.

ZoeWashburne · 28/11/2017 08:24

Nutritionists are not medical professionals. There is no standard of qualification to be a nutritionist. I can call myself a nutritionist. A dietitian/ nutritional therapist on the other hand is a recognised and legally protected qualification.

I fully recognise most doctors will say try BF, but the medical profession is very much ‘fed is best’.

I encourage you ‘nutritionist’ partner to actually read peer-reviewed journals showing that although BF is good, many of the links (smarter/ etc) are now beginning to be recognised as demographic rather than causation.

But your original reasoning, mine are 2 years appart, and I found BF baby easier w/ a toddler as I could just bf anywhere. Making/washing bottles takes A LOT of time/effort whilst your toddler is underfoot. I became a master of one armed feeding baby, and using the other to play with toddler DS.

But, the best thing for a baby is a relaxed mother. So maybe don’t decide right now, but be flexible and see what works for you in the moment. Except potentially with a different DP bc yours sounds like a sanctimonious twat.

Original poster
Missy450 · 28/11/2017 08:24

What I meant when saying it would be harder is that, bf babies tend to need more night feeds.

I didn’t mean I wouldn’t try although that’s how it came across to him at first. I will try and definitely give the colostrum but I will take the desicion to formula/combi feed more lightly if it gets too much. You just don’t know what your baby will be like. They could be a terrible sleeper. Licklily my first is ok.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 28/11/2017 08:26

They do get a say in who they make pregnant though.

Was he a second child OP? Is this about him worrying about a second child being second best?

Butteredparsn1ps · 28/11/2017 08:26

As other PP have said, I found BF far, far easier with a toddler to entertain than I would have found FF.

Leaving your DH aside. What, do you think are your real reservations about BF having successfully done it previously? What is it that worries you? IME most women who BF with their first child will be able to do so with a second, unless something has changed.

To be clear your DH doesn’t get to tell you what to do with your body, but I’m not sure why, deep down, you are choosing to reject the easiest, best solution from the get go?

Psychobabble123 · 28/11/2017 08:26

Tell him to fuck off,and until he can lactate its your decision.

And for those saying BF is easier, having done both FF is. Ready made formula poured into a bottle takes seconds, and DH could do night feeds so I could sleep. Win win. Its really not that difficult.

LouHotel · 28/11/2017 08:27

Just to add that how he framed his argument goes a long way to deciding if he was unreasonable.

I think its a good thing when fathers are invested in breastfeeding as its more common for them to feel its a hindrance to their love life, bonding with baby etc..

My DH in the early weeks did all the nappies and burping whilst i cluster fed my babies, he also made all the meals and made sure i had snacks and a drink. ---- if your husband is pro breastfeeding without being there to support then he is a dick.

MimiSunshine · 28/11/2017 08:27

AnnabellaH you to know it’s a total myth that ff babies sleep better right? In the early days it’s completely hormonal whether babies sleep longer at night. Yes ff babies have fuller tummy’s so usually do go a bit longer between feeds but not all sleep through.

Prusik please speak to your midwife or HV and find out where your nearest breastfeeding support group is, usually at your nearest children’s centre. You absolutely can bf your 2nd and there is loads of support to help you, don’t be it off and especially in the early days when you and baby are just figure things out. Keep in mind that your milk may not come in for up to 5 days (but often around day 3) but the colostrum your baby will be getting will be enough. Get as much support as you can with ensuring a good latch before you leave hospital

Rachie1973 · 28/11/2017 08:27

Believeitornot

Why? It’s his baby too

But not his breasts. Can you see the issue?

piggleiggle83949 · 28/11/2017 08:27

Can not believe the people on this thread actually agreeing with the husband Shock

Her body her choice.

Not wanting to BF is a good enough reason to not do it.

I never breast fed, didn't have any desire to with either child, and I feel no guilt or regret whatsoever. But I respect every woman can decide how they wish to feed their child.

It's a bit of a myth that bottle feeding is such a faff and time consuming. Of course compared to breast feeding there is a lot more to prep and think about, but it's not actually a major time consuming task.

Op, do what ever the hell you want if you do decide to have another baby, but I would be considering my future with a man who thought he could dictate what I do with my body in this way.

Chaosofcalm · 28/11/2017 08:28

‘Nutritionalist’ so a non qualified person when it comes to diet.

Does he know how difficult bf can sometimes be for mother and baby? I was repeatedly told by medical professionals that I should consider stop feeding for both my physical and mental health. Baby was having formula top up so was fine.

Goosegrass · 28/11/2017 08:28

Are you sure he didn’t mean he’s not prepared to dick about with bottles in the middle of the night and sees it as your problem?

wowbutter · 28/11/2017 08:28

@FormerlyFrikadela01 yes it is his child too, but they are the OPs breasts.
Like I said, he can have an opinion, as in, breast is best, and he would like the child to be breast fed, but realistically, it is not his body. It is not his choice.
Whatever the reasons are, the OP has said she thinks she would prefer to do something along the lines of combination feeding, that's her choice. And seeing how they are her breasts, she gets the deciding vote.

BarbarianMum · 28/11/2017 08:29

Once the baby is on the way, it is if course up to the OP how it is fed. But it isnt. Pre-conception is the best time to discuss parenting differences.

shakingmyhead1 · 28/11/2017 08:31

when he starts to lactate he can make the decision on breastfeeding but until that time he can go do one:)

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 28/11/2017 08:32

Bf is definitely easier second time and most definitely easier to do with a toddler running around.
You can hold a baby to the Breast one handed whilst you get a snack out the cupboard for toddler. Bottle feeding requires two hands and your toddler will realise that he can get up to anything whilst you’re tied up holding a baby and a bottle.

Enwi · 28/11/2017 08:32

Why shouldn’t he get a say in how his child is fed? He isn’t saying you have to breast feed, he’s saying he wants you to atleast try. It is obviously an issue close to his heart and yes it isn’t him doing it, but that’s because he physically can’t, not because he’s unwilling.
He would be a twat if he put pressure on you once you decided it was too difficult, but wanting you to atleast try isn’t so bad.
Your last line is ridiculous.

Parker231 · 28/11/2017 08:33

He’s an idiot. The method of feeding is no reason as to whether you have another baby or not. He probably doesn’t want to help out with feeds, particularly in the night!

My DH is a GP and was supportive of my decision to not bf. With a new baby you need support not a DH with an attitude.

charlestonchaplin · 28/11/2017 08:34

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

No. He's saying he doesn't understand why you wouldn't try to do the best for your baby.

HotelEuphoria · 28/11/2017 08:35

mmmm, I breast fed both mine but I do wonder if he would be so sanctimonious if he had carried two enormous melons around, suffered mastitis until he cried with the pain, crusty weeping nipples, two flooded wet boobs in a cotton t-shirt in summer, a baby that latches on for 10 minutes, every, two, hours, for, months, on, bloody, end...

He's an arse.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/11/2017 08:36

Well, he is a nutritionist, he knows the advantages (and disadvantages). I can see where he is coming from.

I don’t think he is a twat, that is important to him and I think that shows he cares for his children even if they are at a planning stage.

I wouldn’t expect less of anyone who has made his life about healthy eating. Sorry.

And yes, it is his child, her breasts, and his sperm, her egg, but when it comes to bringing children to this world you either get to an agreement or not.

userabcname · 28/11/2017 08:39

I have said similar to my husband. Said I'd breastfeed for first 2 weeks and then combi/ formula feed if we have another. I know that ff babies don't necessarily sleep better, however, having currently done ALL night time wake ups with my sleep-hating, bottle-refusing, ebf 5 month old, it would be nice if DH could do his fair share of nights in the future. I told him if he wasn't happy with that then he is free to start lactating at any time.