My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

[Missy450]

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

ibiscuit I know. Apparently a woman's bodily autonomy goes out of the window once she's pregnant. I really hate that attitude. Why can't we support each other? Motherhood is hard enough without constant laying on of the guilt trip!

Formula isn't rat poison! It's like buying a jar of pasta sauce instead of making your own from scratch from fresh veggies.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

No. He's saying you would not be worthy to receive his precious, nutritionist sperm if you don't do things his precious, nutritionist way.

He cant "deny her the chance of a second baby" overall, can he. Only with him. And if he really is such a dick and this is all about control and him not wanting to do night feeds then that's a good thing no?

I completely agree with@piggleiggle83949

I am shocked that so many people on here are pressuring you. And his argument makes no sense. If breastfeeding is so vitally important to a baby, why does he only care that you "at least try"? Logically he should never let you give up, be preparing for donor milk or some kind of wet nurse to guarantee that the baby has breastmilk. But by saying you're must try and then can consider formula, then he is not actually concerned about what the baby eats but about how you use your body and breasts. I see all sorts of things described as "controlling" on mums net but this has to be by far one of the most controlling.

If (and it is a big if) breastfeeding is successful, convenient and easy for you and your baby, then great. But in our part of the world, formula is an excellent nutritious healthy way to nourish an infant. Your husband saying that you must agree to use your body and your breasts in a manner he deems best is utterly creepy. All the more so when he is elevating this issue to the same level of importance as whether to have another child or not. He is being completely disproportionate and behaving very inappropriately.

You don't owe anybody any reason to breastfeed or not. I am shocked at posters on here saying you should try for X, Y or z reason when you are not looking for advice on that. I cannot understand those who are adamantly pro choice when it comes to abortion and who don't apply the same respect for a woman's bodily autonomy to breastfeeding decisions.

Op I would, like you, be extremely upset if I had a similar conversation with my husband. Having another child is a huge responsibility and decision and it is really important you agree on all sorts of things. Your husband is being hugely unreasonable though in making something that is ultimately temporary And something that is so directly linked to your body, into an ultimatum.

Oh and trust me, formula feeding with an older toddler is a perfectly feasible plan. I'm always struck by feeding threads on here where breastfeeding women are at pains to describe how much hard work formula feeding is; strangely you don't tend to see formula feeding parents actually saying that...

Only with him - very true, Barbarian.

It is your body and your choice.

I always chuckle to myself when people stress how hard making up bottles is. It really isn't stressful or hard. I have formula fed 3 children and it is pretty simple. Breastfeeding is amazing but if you can't or don't want too formula is simple enough,

If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. You don’t have to give a reason, your breasts.

FWIW anyone else reading and worrying, I FF my first and BF my second.

He’s not saying he doesn’t want another baby if it is not breastfed, he’s saying that he doesn’t want another baby with someone who doesn’t want to try and give the child the best start in life as that is very important to him. It’s a criticism of your attitude towards the potential new baby.

“But it’s your body. It’s your physical breasts. It’s your energy you are giving over. It’s your sleepless nights and mastitis. Your choice. He gets to nod and agree.”

Surely at this point it’s his body and his choice as to who he procreates with and on what terms. Of is bodily autonomy only for women?
Should he just nod and agree to everything baby making related because he doesn’t have a womb

I think breastfeeding is over hyped

You think the natural way in which babies have been fed for thousands of years is ‘overhyped’? How odd.

YA both BU. He should support you either way but I can’t understand why you would choose to ff your second when you bf your first. It absolutely is a case of fed is best, but your body is literally made to feed your aby - from the inside and then out.

Grr posted too soon.

It is your body therefore your rules, but it’s definitely a myth that all formula fed babies sleep well. My husband was formula fed and didn’t sleep for the first 2 years of life!

I had the opposite from my DH. My 9 month old DS whom I'm still BFing was a difficult newborn & DH's contribution to this was 'stop being such a martyr & put him on a bottle!'. Like that was going to solve allergy & reflux problems

Yes of course men do get an opinion but for fuck sake be aware of how you say things & respect that ultimately it is our choice.

It's very easy to have a opinion of what others should do when it doesn't affect you isn't it?

I'd have lost my shit with him. Your body. You decide.

I didn't even try to breastfeed. I told my husband I didn't want to. He didn't ask why - he said it's up to me as it's my body.

You have your reasons for wanting to formula feed and those reasons are good enough. To say he wouldn't want a baby with you for that reason is incredibly controlling and dictating.

My little man was formula fed from day one and is turning out just fine.

My DS been formula fed from birth I get pretty pissed off when the Breast fed brigade get their horns and axes out to say they are all mighty mothers and us formula mums are scum really grow the fuck up so long as the baby is loved cared for and happy and reaching their milestones what the fuck does it matter whether they had tit in their mouths or teat

I would suspect alterior motives. I would have read that as he doesn't want to end up taking more of the childcare responsibilities than last time (especially at night). Call me cynical but I think that a nutritionist of all people would understand that there isn't really much of a difference, nutritionally, between formula and breast milk.

In his shoes I wouldn't be too impressed that you weren't going to try, but I'd have discussed this in advance of having any children whatsoever. Have you ever discussed it before, and have your views changed?

BF vs FF tends to verge on political, consider not only the health implications but environmental etc. I don't understand how you'd get this far without knowing his views?

Is he a nutritionist by trade, i.e. does he have paying customers, a full rota, doctor's referrals etc or is he an armchair nutritionist?

Nice first post op

For what it's worth I found bf with an older toddler (3.5 years) easier than expected. I didn't be with first but pumped for 7 months with a hired double pump.
I really wanted to try with second. It was hard the first few days and I sent my husband to go pick up he pump again, just for a little while. However using the pump just a few times in between bf, gave me a boost to carry on through those first 4-6 days.

But I found the bf easy because it meant no washing bottles or carrying extra things when out. My second was also tiny, so for a short while I actuallly could - if needed, feed with one hand, if I needed a free hand for something else.

It sounds like you were going to try perhaps anyway. Your DP reaction was not very supportive and quite cold, but try not to dwell on it. We had the opposite when my DP bought bottles before birth and I was upset he thought I couldn't bf. Which I appreciate is not what he meant but it did not feel supportive.
You both agree that bf would be ideal and is better. If you are both agreeing that you would try and he would support then no problem.
Perhaps tell him that it's more helpful if he says what he would do when the baby is born and what his preferences and compromises are instead of saying what he won't do or accept.

Feeding second was easier. You tend to be more confident and less hung up,about doing it right.
It’s a bit early days to be worrying and arguing over something hypothetical by the sound of it.
He would be the father and is entitled to want the best for his children too. Parenting is about having equal say in how children are raised, surely.

BF is not harder with a toddler - your newborn still has to feed. If naything, the extra work of making bottles, washing them, sterilising them would be more time consuming that breastfeeding.

He can say what he wants - untimately you get to decide what you do with your baby, how you feed him/her.

My FF child got a First this year, and is doing his MA, so go figure. He was FF because we were stuck in NICU and the Transitional care as he was fed by an NG tube and didn't have a sucking reflex. The day he took a bottle, we were out of there after 10 days. I don't feel that I didn't do the best for ds.

And what if you CAN'T breastfeed? How will he feel then? I couldn't breastfeed my first baby for a number of reasons...one being I had no milk for weeks.

You think the natural way in which babies have been fed for thousands of years is ‘overhyped’? How odd.

How is it odd in a country with clean water and ways to sterilise bottles/teats?

If that had been available thousands of years ago, who knows what those women would have chosen?

But the most important thing would be that it was their choice.

But the most important thing would be that it was their choice.

I didn’t say anything about choice, I just said to say something that our bodies do naturally and have always done is ‘overhyped’ is bizarre.

He's right. Why wouldn't you even try?