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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

371 replies

Missy450 · 28/11/2017 08:02

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

OP posts:

oblada · 28/11/2017 22:52

I see where he is coming from, he knows bf is the best and feels that you are not ready to give that to your hypothetical second child... It's his prerogative to feel that way, I see his point. We all value different things differently. Of course he cannot decide how you do feed if you do get pregnant/have another child but I can see why he is put off by you deciding in advance you will not bf the second one.

For what it's worth bf is much easier than ff in my view so keep your options opened maybe? And I say that being on baby number 3, all bf and currently bf the last 2.

feliciabye · 29/11/2017 06:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Collaborate · 29/11/2017 07:07

Tell him when he begins to produce his own breastmilk he can have a fucking say in it.

Tell OP when her ovaries start producing sperm he can't have a say in it.

CosmicCanary · 29/11/2017 07:31

Why are posters and her DH treating the OP like a child?

"You at least need to try BF before you say no"

Reminds me of how you talk to a child.

Mum I dont like peas.
You havent tried them.
I know I dont like them.
Well at least try them first and if you really dont like them then fine.

If her DH chooses not to have a second child because he cannot control what the OP does with her breasts then thats his choice.
It would make me question how much he respected his wife and what her body goes through to carry their child.

knaffedoff · 29/11/2017 07:39

Perhaps you would be better sticking to one child

Tumbleweed101 · 29/11/2017 07:41

To be fair to the potential Dad - he has a right to say what he’d prefer for his own child and it isn’t something he can do himself.
It isn’t harder with more so long as Dad is going to help with the toddler. If anything it’s quicker and easier and you still have both hands free to do something with the toddler while feeding.

CosmicCanary · 29/11/2017 08:26

My toddler was not interested in dad when I was BF his brother. He wanted my attention which I was unable to give fully. Dad tried but the end result was a stessed me a sressed dad and a disressed 2 yo.
It would have been easier if I FF as dad could feed the baby and nobody was stressed.
I also had latching issues so most of the time it was a two handed job to BF.
BF is not easier for everyone.

corythatwas · 29/11/2017 17:56

Tumbleweed, bf isn't quicker and easier for everybody, and depending on the shape of the breast/ease with which your lo latches on you may well end up without a single hand free, let alone two.

deliverdaniel · 29/11/2017 18:10

Yadnbu and he is being a dick for so many reasons. Not least of which is that so much of the benefits of bf are really down to social class rather than the breastmilk (google sibling studies for more info on this. In studies where one child is bf and one ff in the same family, the outcomes on a wide range of measures are pretty much identical w formula fed kids even doing better on some criteria)

And fwiw I agree with you completely. On my 3rd dc and have tried all combinations of bf/ff and mixed feesing and for me ff was the easiest by FAR, especially w another kid in the mix.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 29/11/2017 18:37

It isn’t harder with more so long as Dad is going to help with the toddler. If anything it’s quicker and easier and you still have both hands free to do something with the toddler while feeding.

Ffs how many times does it have to be repeated:
NOT EVERYONE FINDS BREASTFEEDING EASY. NOT EVERYONE CAN DO IT IN A SLING. SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO HANDS FREE WHEN THEY BREASTFEED NEVER MIND 2.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 29/11/2017 19:00

To me it sounds like he is exercising his right to choose not to have a baby with someone who doesn't share his views in parenting

The bodily autonomy really matters though. Sowing your seed is completely different to carrying a baby for 9 months and then using your breasts to feed the child. It doesn't compare in any way shape or form.

Quite apart from the fact that not every woman can breastfeed.

Once your kids get older you realise how unimportant the whole FF-BF thing really is. Having a healthy happy child is the most important thing. The OP's DH needs a sense of perspective.

MuseumOfCurry · 29/11/2017 19:49

I'm not sure I follow your drift here. I don't think anyone believes a man impregnating a woman is as arduous a journey as carrying a baby to term or feeding it, but either requires consent of the body's owner.

It's not like this: the man has gone to the trouble of impregnating a woman, the least she can do is obey his command. It's more like this: he'd like only to impregnate a woman who shares his view on BF.

BakedBeans47 · 29/11/2017 19:49

Saying you don't want to even try to breastfeed the second is a bit like saying you can't be bothered, which implies you're less committed.

This was me with my second. Thankfully I couldn’t give a shiny shite what the likes of you thinks.

blackteasplease · 29/11/2017 22:48

I agree he is being a dick, and that men have absolutely no say in this.

Up to you entirely if you use your body yo bf

with dc2 I found it worked well to formula fees. the convenience and benefits of bf most of the time but formula for occasions when it's wasn't practical or when someone else needed to look after him or feed him while I was there. I didn't have time to express with an older child and k wanted to make time for just me and her when my then husband looked after the baby.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 29/11/2017 23:11

Some of these cmoments about the dad are awful. I’d rather a man say he doesn’t want a baby if the the other doesn’t share his views on feeding, than get a woman pregnant dislike what she chooses and fucks off leaving said child. I think it’s sensible to say wait, we don’t agree here so I’d rather not have a child. He isn’t being controlling or even trying to control the Ops body. He is simply saying he doesn’t want a child if they can’t agree. But it seems they do so I’m unsure of the issue or why the Op said she would choose to formula feed straight away if she wouldn’t? Seems like she knew his view and was pushing for a reaction. Quite odd.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2017 00:21

So the Dad is going to be there all day every day, yes? Oh wait...

And the best thing you can do for a baby is make sure it's fed, warm and loved.
However you choose to do that.

cinnamonswirlies · 30/11/2017 03:52

Can people with views like the ones below explain why they are bothered about how babies other than their own are fed?

As long as a baby is fed appropriately, clean, warm and loved, it's not for anyone else to busy themselves with.

I honestly could not give two fucks whether someone breastfeeds or formula feeds. It's none of my business and I would never spout such shit like the quotes below.

Saying you don't want to even try to breastfeed the second is a bit like saying you can't be bothered, which implies you're less committed

You at least need to try BF before you say no

ordinarily i'd tell him to fuck off out of your body but i do get my judgey pants on a bit when people pick and choose between bf and formula. surely you turn to formula if you can't bf not select it as an equal option.

eeanne · 30/11/2017 09:16

cinnamonswirlies I don’t think Mumsnet would exist if people weren’t expressing opinions about their view on the right/wrong way to parent!

Tainbri · 30/11/2017 12:08

Cinnamon I completeley agree. I was never prepared for how many people asked me if I was breast feeding when my DS was newborn. I had never asked anyone, it never crossed my mind. fuck off and mind your own!! They only want to know so they can judge.

corythatwas · 30/11/2017 20:30

The reason I don't think the "man has the same right as woman to decide what happens to his body (sperm)" argument holds up is that the man is making conditions about something the woman cannot really foresee, which is how she will feel as the pregnancy proceeds. What if she develops PND in week 37 and realises she will not be able to breastfeed? Will it not add to her stress to know that the baby was conditional on her being able to provide something that only her body can provide?

When will people realise that this isn't just about some kind of "view", like whether you vote Labour or Conservative, it's about a woman being asked to foresee in advance how her physical and mental health will cope with a situation she has no experience of (trying to breastfeed while looking after a toddler?) And knowing that her dh will then be able to turn round and say "You let me down; this baby should never have been conceived."

iBiscuit · 30/11/2017 20:55

When will people realise that this isn't just about some kind of "view"

When people stop being bloody thick. I wouldn't hold your breath.

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