My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

[Missy450]

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

“Surely the sensible thing to do here is to have a conversation. “

Tbf even from the op it seems like they’re in complete agreement already.
“I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop”

Which us essentially exactly what the husband wants as well, but it seems either in the tone (do this or else from DH/I’m doing this regardless from the op) or the interpretation (dc2’s life is less valued by the OP/ I don’t care about giving the baby the best start by the DH) they’ve managed to both express the same desire regarding any future dc but end up at complete loggerheads and fighting about it

I think he has a point TBH. Saying you don't want to even try to breastfeed the second is a bit like saying you can't be bothered, which implies you're less committed. You did it once why not try to do it next time? It sounds like you're just thinking of what's easiest for you.

There are so many benefits to the child from breastfeeding. There's a lot of evidence backing it up. It's also a lot cheaper than FF.

Ultimately it's your decision but I think you should at listen to your partner's opinion too.

All of you who feel he's controlling, don't you need to know what they discussed about this before they had children at all in order to know this? Or, is there simply no place for men who want to find women who share their views about BF vs FF, under any circumstances?

Sure he gets a say in how his baby is fed - if it's that important to him and she doesn't want to / cannot, he can go through the hassle of finding a milk donor. He cannot blackmail her into using her body as he sees fit.

When I had my twins, they were in nicu a long time and I ended up with the worst of both worlds - pumping every 2 hours to get as much milk as I could, then supplementing with formula. None of the convenience of bfing, all of the work of ff.

The thing that pushed me to this ridiculous schedule which became an obsession was guilt. My husband begged me to stop and just give them formula so many times but I couldn't do it.

If I had another baby who was not in nicu, i would definitely try and BF but I wouldn't obsess about it like I did this time. If I had another nicu baby, I'd pump while they're in there and try to latch them but if that wasn't possible I'd pump twice a day and the rest would be formula. I could never do all that again, it nearly broke me.

There is so much judgement about bf and ff. parents and especially mothers find it difficult enough without being judged by other parents.

He cannot blackmail her into using her body as he sees fit.

But she can blackmail him into creating the child?
He just has to hand over his sperm and stfu?

tbh it doesn't sound as though you should be having another baby. He's jumped to a decision on family size based on method of feeding and you've extrapolated wildly from his point to say he thinks 'the baby's life isn't worth as much'.
If that's the standards of your conversation around an important subject like whether or not to have another baby then you're not ready to have another child.

Exactly tammy it blackmail. I'd be equalling fucked off if the husband said 'I don't want another baby with you if you breastfeed'.

I wouldn't have another if I knew from the tart I couldn't BF.

Also it's not her body her choice.
He's not forcing her to BF. He's saying if they can not agree on a parenting decision then she isn't getting his sperm. So his body his choice.

@Taylor22 are you serious? How is it "his body his choice" but "not her body her choice"?

I was never able to breastfeed because our DDs are adopted. My DSis wasn't able to breastfeed because her DD was too prem and she was too unwell and her DS couldn't get enough milk to survive. (He'd have starved if she hadn't switched to formula.) Her third was adopted.

Guess what, all our DC are thriving. Just feed your babies however you want to. This breast is best obsession was extremely upsetting for my DSis.

My DH never passed an opinion. Entirely left it up to me. FWIW I found the more children I had the harder BF was. Especially if you need to get out to nursery or school. Also I could leave the baby and go out to do bonding things with older dc. But it’s an individual choice.

“a man is trying to dictate what a woman will do with her body“

No they’re both setting out terms upon which they’ll do something with their own body.
A man saying I won’t do X (have a child with you/give you my sperm for a less romantic description) unless you do/don’t do Y (agree to attempt to breastfeed) is him being explicit in relation to on what terms he is comfortable having a child with the op.
She’s more than free to say no.
He’s not saying we will have another child and you will do X,he’s saying if you want to have another child with me then I’d only agree to it if you’d agree to do X.

'He's not forcing her to BF. He's saying if they can not agree on a parenting decision then she isn't getting his sperm. So his body his choice.'

Tbh there is something in this.
OP, tbh I'd feel uncomfortable if, having bf my first child, I'd decided in advance that I wasn't going to try to bf the next. I really don't think your dh is being all that unreasonable. He'd like you to try, that's all. I'm as much a proud feminist as anyone but I think reading controlling misogyny into this is going too far.

I've tandem fed a toddler and a newborn and have also ebf a third child with two older ones. It's fine. I got a sling I could feed in. Dc2 spent a lot of time in there while dc1 and I went to parks etc, or I fed dc2 while I read endless books to dc1. Broken nights aren't a thing exclusive to bf babies, and arguably the hassle is worse when you have to get up to get them a bottle.

Why don't you plan and save for your dh to take paternity/parental leave/reduce his hours for the first few weeks to help you out, and/or for your toddler to have some nursery/childminder sessions? If your dh wants bf to work out I am sure he will be happy to support you as needed. (And if he isn't, then you may need to reconsider his motives and certainly reconsider having another baby with him).

Remind me-is it a Nutritionist that you can self identify as and practice as with absolutely no qualifications at all?

(Answer- yes)

Saying you don't want to even try to breastfeed the second is a bit like saying you can't be bothered, which implies you're less committed.

This is bollocks. It's more effort, in my experience, bottle feeding. But it's a different kind of effort, and it's one where both parents get to be involved. And while it's more effort, it's also one where you don't get to feel that your body parts are no longer your own.

I BF'd for a very long time, with a little supplementary bottle feeding, and it was mostly great for me, but it wasn't all great, and I don't judge any woman who doesn't want to do it twice.

I do wonder if the DP's reaction comes from a place of him wondering if he's going to have to do 50% of the night feeds. Maybe it's him that doesn't want to be bothered?

Because they need to agree!

Nothing can happen without his sperm. People put valises on TTC all the time.

It's a parenting decision and he's going to be the parent.

He's not saying you must BF he's saying he wants her to give it a go. To not write it off even before they've shagged!

I don't see anything wrong with the father asking to at least try and do what is best for his baby.

He knows he can't BF. So he's asking the other parent to try.

Yes of course he has the right not to have a baby with her on these grounds. But it’s also utterly weird and I’d be rethinking my relationship on grounds of obsessive ideas.

Given that you plan to try bf I really don't see what his problem is. no one knows what lies ahead. My friend bf her first for 2 years, however her 2nd baby is a terrible feeder and she is having to express round the clock for him. I don't know how long she will be able to sustain this given that she also has a 2 yr old. It is taking all the fun out of being a parent for her.

His attitude is shocking. Your body your choice.

For what it's worth I FF dc1which I found time consuming and exhausting (dc1 was a puker so many many bottles were made and sterilized every day). I ebf dc2&3 and found it a lot easier to ebf and it was easier to sit and play with toddler while the baby was latched on, couldn't have done that while holding a bottle plus didnt have to factor in all the eashig and sterilizing. Having a baby and toddler is hard going especially at first and regardless of how you choose to feed, you just find your own way to muddle through.

And yes, if he doesn't want to supply the doings for a baby, then he doesn't have to - his sperm, his choice. Doesn't stop me thinking his reasons are dickish.

Seems silly to not even try imo. Breast milk is the best option, that's just a fact. Fair enough some people can't but since you did with your first I think I would try in the interests of fairness. It doesn't sit right with me that some women moan about men not doing an equal share with the baby when they don't get an equal say in their upbringing.

There is so much judgement about bf and ff. parents and especially mothers find it difficult enough without being judged by other parents.

Yes and actually thinking about it now, the OP has played an absolute blinder here

She's done a quick name change, tested it out with one post on S&B and then come up with a completely new angle, on one of the most goady topics known to Mumsnet, before buggering off and leaving us all to argue.

Well played OP

Well played

And yes I know we have a long way to go with how equally women are treated. But I strongly believe in equality for all in all areas of life.

He sounds ghastly. The benefits of BF over FF are mainly shown in studies of babies in developing countries, the difference in countries like the UK is likely to be much smaller given our generally better nutrition and health care.

I BF both of mine until they weaned themselves. Mine are 21 months apart, and I was mostly on my own with them when DC2 was a baby. I imagine that BF'ing is WAY easier than faffing about with formula. Even so, I would not have taken kindly to having the law laid down about it by the father.