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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

371 replies

Missy450 · 28/11/2017 08:02

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

OP posts:
Notthemessiah · 28/11/2017 18:01

Your choice whether you breast feed or not, both of your choice if you have another baby together (with either having a veto).

Lucyccfc · 28/11/2017 18:24

Who gave him the title 'Tit police'!

When he is capable of breastfeeding, he can then insist it happens.

user1482573375 · 28/11/2017 18:51

I breastfed for 13 months, because I couldn't get my son to have a bottle. I had PND, a partner who had suffered a nervous breakdown and a mum dying of cancer. The never ending breast feeding did me in, I loathed it. I WILL NEVER breastfeed again, if I have more kids.
I'm a bit shocked at your husband and some of the replies. It's your body and you are not a bad mum if you don't breastfeed. You don't have to try anything, your child will not suffer if you bottle feed. Better to have a healthy and happy mum, than a breastfed baby. To say that women who breastfeed are doing the best for their baby and women who bottle feed aren't is bloody insulting. Rant over.

user1482573375 · 28/11/2017 18:53

Oh and my son was constantly ill from the age of 2.5 to the age of 7, so in that regard didn't do him much good.

Ropsleybunny · 28/11/2017 18:55

I didn't find it difficult with two and then three, all under five. You get really adept at feeding a baby and doing loads of other stuff at the same time.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 28/11/2017 19:00

only1scoop I can see what you are implying but don't. Just don't.

I'm fed up with treads being zapped all the time.

This is totally feasible. When I was pregnant I did a class and there was a lady at the class who was several months behind me in her pregnancy. When her baby was born we met up a couple of times and she was having big problems breastfeeding. By that time I'd stopped bf and was only ff, and I suggested that if it was so difficult, ff would be fine.

She relayed this to her husband who stopped her seeing me again because he thought I was a bad influence.

Some men are really that controlling.

3awesomestars · 28/11/2017 19:52

I think your husband is being completely unreasonable. Such a controlling attitude would seriously make me question my whole relationship. It’s like he is willing to hold you to ransom - do what I say or no baby 😳

That said, I do think pre conception is a bit early to decide feeding method unless it’s for health reasons or similar.

But whatever you decide to do it should absolutely be your decision.

larrygrylls · 28/11/2017 19:58

Not read all 14 pages but surely ‘your body, your choice’ but also ‘his body, his choice’. Once pregnant he cannot tell you how to feed the baby but he can choose under what conditions his sperm are allowed to give rise to life.

I think if, for instance, you substituted smoking through pregnancy for formula feeding you would get very different responses.,,

TowerRavenSeven · 28/11/2017 20:04

I'd definitely not have another with him and would probably ditch him too. If he thought so little of me in this area can't imagine how he is with other things.

iBiscuit · 28/11/2017 20:16

Smoking was mentioned upthread, larry

Formula just cannot be compared to cigarettes.

Dozer · 28/11/2017 20:18

Stop being a goady fucker larry.

larrygrylls · 28/11/2017 20:19

Dozer,

You dazzle me with your intellectual fireworks. I am at a loss for words...

SonicBoomBoom · 28/11/2017 20:22

Well comparing it to smoking is just fucking stupid, larry.

larrygrylls · 28/11/2017 20:23

In terms of damage/benefit one is more extreme than the other. In terms of bodily autonomy of BOTH parents, they are comparable.

Merely saying a point is stupid does not make it so.

Sayyouwill · 28/11/2017 20:23

Okay so ultimately it's his sperm. It's half his child too. He can't force you to breastfeed but he certainly can refuse to procreate with you for whatever reason he wants. It's obviously very important to him.

To me it sounds like he is exercising his right to choose not to have a baby with someone who doesn't share his views in parenting. Sounds fair enough to me

CosmicCanary · 28/11/2017 20:24

I think if, for instance, you substituted smoking through pregnancy for formula feeding you would get very different responses.,,

Yes because FF and smoking have the same affects on a baby Hmm

Intercom · 28/11/2017 20:30

Unbelievable...

Topseyt · 28/11/2017 20:37

When I had my babies I was the one who decided how they would be fed.

I wanted to formula feed, so I did. DH made no attempt to influence that decision at all, and would have been handed his arse on a plate of he had tried. In fact, he quite liked being able to give baby the odd bottle. It gave me a break and let him bond further with his DDs.

OP's DH has the right to decide he wants no more children, but none at all to dictate how she uses her own body if they have another one. Very unfair. I would not be impressed.

Intercom · 28/11/2017 20:39

"Breastfeeding 2nd time round is quick, easy, cheap and convenient and leaves one hand free to colour, do stickers or cuddle the toddler."

If only! Not in my experience. Glad it worked well for you but it isn't possible to generalise, unfortunately.

Topseyt · 28/11/2017 20:45

Rachelracket, you couldn't be more wrong. No surely about it.

Formula feeding was my first choice. I didn't want to breastfeed at all, so I didn't.

Judge away if you want to.

FrayedHem · 28/11/2017 20:49

I think if, for instance, you substituted smoking through pregnancy for formula feeding you would get very different responses.,,

Maybe that's why I struggled with breastfeeding. I should have sparked up my tits instead of faffing about with all the getting the latch right stuff.

Sayyouwill · 28/11/2017 20:59

OP's DH has the right to decide he wants no more children, but none at all to dictate how she uses her own body if they have another one. Very unfair. I would not be impressed.

But he isn't telling her what to do with her body. He is expressing that he wants his children to be breastfed and he has opted not to have children with someone who won't breastfeed (unless they're not able to or exempt for medical reasons).
He hasn't told her that she will breastfeed or he'll leave her if she doesn't, or that he'll take custody if she doesn't or any other threats. He's just stated his position and his preference.
It's like anything really in parenting, both parents, being independent humans with their own views, will have conflicting opinions on things. If that thing is just too big a thing for one to get past, then the couple clearly aren't compatible and shouldn't be having children together. If it means so much to him that he will not have another child with her, then at least he is being sensible in saying so now

Goldenhandshake · 28/11/2017 21:07

Tell him when he begins to produce his own breastmilk he can have a fucking say in it.

Barbie222 · 28/11/2017 21:30

It’s really goady and sounds like it’s said on purpose to wind you up. Imagine if he’d said “oh, that would be a shame not to try seeing as DC1 was bf. What could I do to help so that it’s easier for you?”

Topseyt · 28/11/2017 22:44

He can express how he wants his children to be fed as much as he likes. The final decision though on whether or not a baby will be breastfed rests with the woman, who will have to do it at all hours of the day and night.

No man gets a say unless he manages to sprout boobs and lactate.