To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

[zeezeek]

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

So cool, you feel the need to boast about it. That’s not cool.

I actually don't know what you're talking about OP.
So your husband went on a hike with the PTA - is that "parent teacher association?" Presumably a mixed group inc your friend's DH. Did you not fancy joining?
They went for drink afterwards and then what exactly? He stayed at a woman's house? Presumably a fellow PTA member. Was her DH at home? Or are you implying they got a room?
And he watches porn.
Anything else you'd like to share?

I hear you OP. I lose count of the number of times I've been accused of being a 'cool wife' on here.

BUT, I wouldn't say I'm particularly 'cool'. DH and I have opposite sex friends and we'll hang out with them alone, we have separate hobbies (as well as together), we don't check phones or social media etc. We both find the 'allowing your partner to snoop is a sign of trust' thing really odd.

I don't think it's particularly 'cool'. It just works for us.

If DH just met a woman at work then I'd view it differently to his female friends from uni and would expect his socialising to be different. However I wouldn't dictate to him how to act. I'd expect him to apply common sense and act accordingly.

Same in return. He doesn't particularly like one of my male friends but he doesn't get arsey with me. He trusts me to act appropriately, which i do.

I don't think any of this is 'cool'. It just works for us.

I agree. Yeah be been told I'm a "cool wife" so many times on here. I don't think all the posters realise that "cool wife" is usually meant as an insult, OP isn't boasting about how cool she is.

Look at you being better at being a woman than other women....

Lots of passive aggressive "uncool" people here, OP

For what it's worth, you sound perfectly normal to me. As you say, we don't enter into relationships to become one another's possessions. Ignore your friend and keep running your marriage the way it works for you.

Think I need to read Gone Girl.

I'm a cool wife too OP DH needs his own space and really can't do routine or restrictions. I pick up the slack with the kids and work and stuff and I'm totes chill with him needing to be out and about. Because I am too! Ok so I'm mainly out and about working or with the kids but it's the same.

It's a mature adult relationship! So call me 😎!

Oh no, wait, got my tenses all mixed up silly me.

I WAS a cool wife. Until he took the piss, I realised I was doing most of the work and he snagged a waitress.

Now I'm a cool divorcee MUCH better, I'm very chill now.

I think it's only really cool wife if you don't talk about it.

Like Fight Club.

Op. In all seriousness. You’re married to a dude who goes hiking with the pta. Gets wankered and has to stay at one of the couples house. I’m guessing for some reason your man is not a looker either. 🤔

I’d be upset if he inconvenienced the couple he stayed with. No one wants a drunk arsehole on their sofa. Especially if kids in the house.

Sorry. I think we all have to assume neither of you are particularly cool.

Next time tell him to grow the hell up and learn to handle his booze and not inconvenience couples from the pta.

If it suits you, that’s great. I think whatever works for people is fine. I wouldn’t be happy with that at all but each to their own!

For what it's worth, you sound perfectly normal to me. As you say, we don't enter into relationships to become one another's possessions.
Same. I find some of what's 'normal' according to some on MN totally weird and we trust each other so much that we both snoop on social media and phones. Oh and we also don't have any opposite sex friends or text anyone of thr opposite sex because we are so loving and trusting and respect each other so much that it wouldn't cross our mind. to which I read 'we don't trust each other in the slightest but we'll dress up our paranoia as romantic and respect because then we can pretend that our relationship is in a better state than it is. The reason we alter who we speak to is really because if we speak to someone our partner doesn't like or they find a text the shit will hit thr fan'
But hey, each to their own. If it works for them.

I don't think all the posters realise that "cool wife" is usually meant as an insult, OP isn't boasting about how cool she is
This ^^
It's a phrase almost exclusively thrown about by possrssive, insecure women who seek validation for their odd relationship dynamics.

Most people (whatever their chosen boundaries in their relationships) do what works for them and couldn't care less.

Sounds like you wouldn’t care if he left you or vice versa.

Letting your partner do what they want and trusting they will make the right choices is just treating someone with respect and as an adult. It's not "cool", just normal? In any case I don't see how it can be an insult.

Policing them and their life is just controlling, no other way about it. If anyone dictated where I could/couldn't go or texted me saying "Where are you?? When are you going to be home?? Why are you still out??" I would run for the hills.

I just don't get it - surely you trust your partner. If deep down you think that going out for dinner with a female friend will lead them to shag her, or that him going clubbing with the lads means he will shag any old woman......you clearly don't think he loves you very much and you don't trust him. Or you think very little of yourself that you can be easily replaced with literally a rando from a club. Either way, the trust is gone.

Or when people say "I know what he's like, he can't control himself" - if your man is like that then why are you with him?!?! If he can't control himself then you can't fucking do it for him, you just find a better guy.

Hiking with the PTA!

Oh my god that's so out there OP!

I'm a cool wife too OP DH needs his own space and really can't do routine or restrictions. I pick up the slack with the kids and work and stuff and I'm totes chill with him needing to be out and about. Because I am too! Ok so I'm mainly out and about working or with the kids but it's the same.

Is that sarcasm? Because it isn't the same, is it? You're picking up the slack left by his being a delicate special snowflake and not doing his fair share because he just NEEDS TO BE FREE, and pretending that it's all cool and groovy. In what way is that different from your traditional 50s style surrendered wife facilitating a selfish chauvinist?

I wouldn’t be happy with that at all but each to their own!

What getting drunk and staying with a couple from the pta when he just went hiking. Yeah I’d be fairly embarrassed by it too.

Or when people say "I know what he's like, he can't control himself" - if your man is like that then why are you with him?!?! If he can't control himself then you can't fucking do it for him, you just find a better guy
This ^^
But people who say that also come out with things like 'I trust my DP 100% but I just know his female friend is no good' as if somehow their man is so passive and helpless with zero agency. I mean their DP is a saint so should he find himself sleeping with another woman it'd be totally her fault and he had no role in it at all.

I am glad I am not the only one that has totally missed the point of this thread

You are so cool OP 😎

I'm a cool wife. I recently went to Vegas for 4 nights with 9 workmates and didn't sleep for the 4 days. I am 43 with 5 kids and I got my boobs ( bar girl put stickers on my nipples) out in the Hog and Heifer while dancing on the bar top.

Cool or oblivious fool ?

Its not cool to say you’re cool

No, it’s only cool to throw “cool
wife” around as an insult on here, because you know literally every man cheats and you’re nothing but a handmaiden for thinking otherwise. Oh and by the way you only believe in the concept of ‘cool wife’ because of the internalised misogyny you’ve been conditioned to have by the patriarchy. Obviously.

I was having a really shit day today but these comments have cheered me up no end. I wish you could all come round for a drink and we could make sarcastic comments on threads like this together over wine