To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

[zeezeek]

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

What were you looking for from this OP?
It’s natural to assume dp finds other women attractive and be okay with that.
Plenty of women who don’t mind men looking at porn (as long as it’s not a substitute for regular sex)
Not okay with dp ogling someone infront of me, that’s signalling that you’re available & really disrespectful.
If her husband was there then I don’t think anyone would be bothered. Just them two & I think it’s inappropriate. Getting drunk easily leads to ‘mistakes’. I’d bet my life you’ve been cheated on before OP but you didn’t know it.

What's the AIBU?

What do you want, a medal?

So did he sleep with her or not? I'm confused.

Could it be that you're just indifferent to your husband and he to you?

Thanks for telling us. You’re obviously nothing like the rest of us at all. You’re special. Good for you.

You are apart a lot. You don't sounds head over heels with him any more, you don't really care what he is doing and you lead separate lives. It's not cool. It's a bit sad.

What's the relevance of your friend's husband being there?

Are you now worried he's going to nag your friend about not being a 'cool wife' who doesn't care if he eyes up other women and watches a load of porn?

So cool.

Nothing you've said sounds unusual in a healthy relationship.

You only read about people having issues on mumsnet. There's plenty of us who have no current need or wish to control our DH's choices. Trust and respect, not that abnormal.

@Bluntness100 yes I agree with your analysis but the OP's delivery was a bit smug. I'm guessing that's why there's been a lukewarm reception!!!

“You can’t say you’re breezy! That totally negates the breezy!”

If you were truly a cool wife then you wouldn't feel the need to analyse it and you certainly wouldn't post a thread like this.

Didn’t occur to analyse anything or even think about it until today.

In fact I didn’t really realise that other people would be bothered about those sort of things. I suppose I thought it was how all relationships worked.

Ah OP, if you just understood the harm that porn does to males and their relationships...

Do a little research, lots out there from men as well as women.

Smeaton

Personally I am way too cool to be with a man who watches porn and eyes up other women, but we all have our own standards.

A husband who wants to go hiking with the PTA?

Eeek NOT COOL.

So you honestly think that in all other relationships married men go hiking with married women, get trollied and don't come home?

Amy from 'Gone Girl' describes herself as a 'cool wife' in the beginning of that book.

Its not cool to say you’re cool

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”

― Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13306276-gone-girl

Dammit - someone got there first with the Gone Girl quote!

I’m a chill wife but my husband doesn’t go out alone on overnights with other women. I personally think it’s strange when married men and women do this (even with best buddies). But whatever floats your boat I guess

If my husband looked at another woman it would hurt my feelings. He would never do that to me because he loves and respects me. I do the same to him. He also doesn't watch porn. We're almost always together if we're not at work, because we love the same things and love spending time together. Guess we're not cool, and I'm cool with that.