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Original poster

To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

376 replies

zeezeek · 27/11/2017 19:37

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

OP posts:
kmc1111 · 29/11/2017 03:07

You do realise the narrative voice from whom you were quoting so gleefully was a dysfunctional murderous sociopath who had never had a relationship with someone they could call a friend, right?

Thank you! I'll never understand how the whole 'cool girl' rant became embraced unironically. There's a reason it's said by a sociopathic lunatic whose utter disdain and contempt for other people and other women in particular leaps off the page.

CakesRUs · 29/11/2017 04:41

I agree with you and your approach to marriage, which is why you have 25 years under your belt.

Whatever works in your marriage is the way to be, doesn't matter what other folk think.

NotAgainYoda · 29/11/2017 05:57

But i don't understand why you didn't answer my question. It was relevant

Have you given blanket permission as long as he tells you about it before, or after?

Or are there people you wouldn't like him to sleep with because of their relationship with you?

Your reply from your DH kind of implies he might have done something but it was off the cards because everyone was too drunk. Would that have been OK with you?

NotAgainYoda · 29/11/2017 05:59

... or is it that you don't want to know about it?

I am genuinely interested.

Partly because if it's the latter, the problem I can see with that is that other people might find out about it. And then that might impact on you.
(with DH for 28 years- no axe about men to grind BTW)

NotAgainYoda · 29/11/2017 06:05

Aah, i missed a page. I see roundaboutthetown has said what I was thinking

thedarkprincess · 29/11/2017 07:33

This is a thread on MN isn’t it? Not a court? Because the way some people are badgering and questioning the OP it feels like she’s committed some crime - which will no doubt be forgiven once she admits she’s wrong, bows to the collective wisdom of MN and starts checking her husbands phone every time he leaves the room.

She has never said that it is all one way or that she is sat at home being good wifey. I believe that the OP said that she is away more than him.

Personally this looks like a long and happy marriage between two like minded people, who realised early on that they were going to be apart a fair bit and discussed what to do if temptation comes their way. They decided to give each other permission to pursue it but be discreet. Presumably there are some boundaries in order to prevent gossip but that’s between OP and her husband and who can blame her for getting stroppy or refusing to answer questions when everything she says is twisted and enhanced to mean something else.
Some people on this thread are bullies.

Buck3t · 29/11/2017 08:04

thedarkprincess ^^ what she said 100%

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 29/11/2017 08:44

But i don't understand why you didn't answer my question. It was relevant etc , etc etc.

NotAgainYoda Who do you think you are?

roundaboutthetown · 29/11/2017 08:46

Of course the OP has not committed a crime. She has opened up her relationship to discussion by commenting on her marriage in a public forum. From what she says, it is clear that she has a happy, successful, long lasting relationship with her dh based on mutual trust and respect. I do not agree giving each other specific permission to have extra marital sex in certain nebulously defined circumstances is the reason for this and, as such, it is a good thing the extent of that mutual permission has never actually been tested. Either way, it doesn't matter - it's the OP's relationship and it's a successful one and she can think and say what she likes about what makes it successful and I can think and say what I like! Fwiw, I do not agree with the "wifey" comments that have been made on this thread.

MoistCantaloupe · 29/11/2017 08:56

TaliZorahVasNormandy

@TaliZoranVasNormandy
Replying to yourself and a name change fail. Nicely done cool wife

OP was quoting a different user and replying. It’s obvious if you read the rest of her post.

YoloSwaggins · 29/11/2017 09:31

@TaliZorahVanNormandy, she was replying to me....

badabing36 · 29/11/2017 11:08

OK op. Sorry for my earlier comment, you are not in an open relationship. Your marriage works for you both, fair enough. Some of us prefer to do more things together rather than apart, but don't consider ourselves controlling.

Your friend shouldn't have insulted you, but you shouldn't have slagged her off on mn. Call it a draw?

strugglingtodomybest · 29/11/2017 13:02

Gosh, I bet you never mentioned the sex thing now don't you OP?!

I can't believe how many people are assuming that because Op and her DH once discussed what might happen if they meet someone attractive at a conference, that translates as Op's DH shagging around while she plays 'wifey' at home for some home comforts, when the OP has quite clearly said that it's her that spends up to 3 months of the year working abroad (and so presumably has more opportunity to shag around).

Also can't believe how many people simply can't comprehend what they have read. The Op was called a 'cool wive' as an insult, she is not saying that she is a cool wife, only that she doesn't mind be called one if her friend's relationship is the alternative.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/11/2017 13:08

and so

the grass was green

yet not greener

and they boringly

got on with their lives

sex, biscuits, telly.

Originalfoogirl · 29/11/2017 13:13

sex, biscuits, telly

Missed the comma and wondered what the hell a sex biscuit was 😂

MistressDeeCee · 29/11/2017 13:28

It sounded like an open relationship to me. I don't care if people have an open relationship, it's not unique. However the 'cool wife' thing did have an aspect of yeah I'm cool not in my husband's pocket he goes away hiking etc about it. So what's wrong with asking about that? Is it some new taboo I haven't heard about?

struggling but...you are in turn assuming that I'm assuming😁

It could go on, couldn't it

Arf @ 'mentioning the sex thing' ..as if on MN, of all places, that'd draw gasps of shock horror. It's not exactly delicate around here

FizzyGreenWater · 29/11/2017 13:31

sex biscuits

how could you leave me this way

sex biscuits

i thought our love was here to stay

sex biscuits, crushed up beside the bed

sex biscuits, was all this just in my head?

sex biscuits, shaped like tears on the lawn

sex biscuits, i thought i'd found my new dawn

our love it wasn't open, well it wasn't to me

i thought the inside of hte biscuit jar was just for you and me

now i realise that you had a coffee morn

crush that biscuit, looks like all we had is gorn.

MrMeSeeks · 29/11/2017 14:08

I have never in my life met women who go out drinking beer and make a show out of being "one of the lads". I would find all that boring to the max. I can't stand "lad culture" even when it's men, so why any woman would want to emulate it is beyond me
Really? I have male friends, i go out for a drink with.

It's no different to go for a drink with my female friends Confused
I really hate the 'cool wife' label.
It's frequently used as an insult and insinuates that you don't have a mind of your own.
I may not agree with how you run your relationship op ( in regards to my own) however if it works for you that's fair enough!

strugglingtodomybest · 29/11/2017 14:51

Arf @ 'mentioning the sex thing' ..as if on MN, of all places, that'd draw gasps of shock horror. It's not exactly delicate around here

I just meant that it's rather derailed the thread, that's all. I'm not sure how I implied that it would draw gasps? Happy to be corrected obviously - every days a learning day! Or whatever...

struggling but...you are in turn assuming that I'm assuming😁

Sorry, I may have missed something here, but where did I say you were assuming and what am I assuming? I was talking about this comment:

To me it read like 'i'll allow my DH to do whatever he likes whilst I sit at home bring wifey'

I realise this is ironic, given that I've just complained of people not being able to read the op properly! And I'm not trying to be argumentative either Mistress, I'm just a little confused!

Original poster
zeezeek · 29/11/2017 15:09

I can't believe how many people are assuming that because Op and her DH once discussed what might happen if they meet someone attractive at a conference, that translates as Op's DH shagging around while she plays 'wifey' at home for some home comforts, when the OP has quite clearly said that it's her that spends up to 3 months of the year working abroad (and so presumably has more opportunity to shag around).

Thanks and yes, actually I do have more opportunities than my husband and yes, it was something we discussed a long, long time ago and something we have accepted as part of our marriage. But I don't want to discuss it further on this thread.

Also can't believe how many people simply can't comprehend what they have read. The Op was called a 'cool wive' as an insult, she is not saying that she is a cool wife, only that she doesn't mind be called one if her friend's relationship is the alternative.

That's why I started the thread, yes. But as usual on MN the drunken crowd derail it.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 29/11/2017 15:43

struggling your writing tone, and quoting something I'd said in post almost above you re home comforts (I didn't say the rest of it tho) - of course you were assuming. No biggie tho

I'm not coming at this from emotive fashion, all that stuff about moral high ground etc, who cares, really? I was interested in what would be deemed cool anyway by the friend re some man, and he's not young is he, going off with a load of women and getting too drunk to do anything, that's if anyone wanted him to do anything, even.

I found some parts of thread funny "shrugs" hence my no humping on the hike then comment. That's it really..thread musings

NotAgainYoda · 29/11/2017 22:12

Lass

Someone who is interested in what the OP means when she says certain things

I see she doesn't want to discuss it further so I'll go away now

NotAgainYoda · 29/11/2017 22:23

OP

I apologise for my many questions, appearing in close succession. It was off putting and i can see why you'd think I might be judging. Absolutely not the case. I thought you were up for discussing it and I was interested. But you've been out off.

NotAgainYoda · 29/11/2017 22:24

put off.

Original poster
zeezeek · 30/11/2017 09:28

NotAgainYoda - it's fine. It's MN, I know. Think it's time for this thread to die though!

OP posts:
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