To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

[zeezeek]

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

I am just having a hard time deciding whether being a cool wife is a good or bad thing!! Surely it depends on the husband...
Because on one hand you're a cool wife, on the other you're a cool doormat, no?
Maybe I've missed it totally but my understanding is it is used as an insult by some women to suggest that any woman who doesn't have lots of rules/boundaries must be a doormat.

The topics that tend to generate the 'cool wife' digs are:

• People men socialising with opposite sex friends
• People men texting other women

(those who use the 'cool wife' insult claim tjat they don't need to have male friends or text men because they are so secure with their DP)

• People men having hobbies

(People who like the cool woman insult will claim they don't have time for hobbies/their hobby is family time so they can't fathom why anyone would want a hobby ome night a week.)

• porn/strip clubs
• whether their DP spends time with his mates
• checking phones and social media (fans of the cool wife insult will tend to claim this is a sign of trust and if you don't agree with it then you have something ti hide)

Ask in oh how sweet you think you're being so cool for your DP because you say you're fine with all these things but really you're just being a doormat.

It's a nasty sneery insult which from what I've seen tends to be used by insecure women towards othet women.

Women who are confident that their relationship set up works for them (whatever boundaries they choose) wouldn't use it.

You are a member of the PTA which is the exact opposite of 'cool

Fuck no! DH is though.

name change fail, OP!!

@MaisyPops I wish that was in the OP to be honest, as I didn't know of this insult and just read it as OP showing off how cool she is. Makes more sense now.

First thought in my head was, 'I'm breezy!' and then I saw someone beat me to it on page flipping 2. You guys are my tribe.

OP your post's existence smacks of insecurity to me. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of my marriage or whether any of it makes me a certain type of person or DH a certain type of person or what. We just get on with it.

We both find the 'allowing your partner to snoop is a sign of trust' thing really odd.

Oh god, so do I. That’s another thing she couldn’t believe either - that I don’t know his passwords, or his code for his phone and he doesn’t know mine. We give each other a lot of leeway. I trust him, he trusts me. I don’t see the problem with that. Have never felt the need or desire to snoop or invade his privacy.

@MaisyPops ah Christ if that's the case then I'm probably a bit "cool wife" myself but that's just because I have a soft as shite DH who leaves his phone about the place, talks to me about conversations he's having with other people, not secretive in anyway. I just can't help thinking I'd behave differently if he was different... I wouldn't be "cool wife" then would I!

"Hiking with the PTA?"
Is that some kind of safe word thingy in a swingers club?

@MoistCantaloupe
No she's not showing off.
Whilst her tone is a bit meh, what she is saying is I'm fed up with having other women take the piss out of those of us who are a bit more laid back. I'm not a doormat thank you very much so stop being so smug as you check through DP's phones and monitor female contact. If by your standars I'm some doormat cool.wife then fine. I don't give a damn and will happily own that title

I sympathise with her. I couldn't do what's MN normal. Nothing to do with being a doormat or cool. It just isn't mine and DH's style

I don't know anyone who checks their partners social media/phones though. Unless it's done unspoken about.

@MaisyPops I have been lucky not to encounter anyone who uses this insult then! Least I have warning now.

zeezeek
See DH knows mine because he was using my tablet & phone and they're the same.
When DH realised phone codes were good in case you leave your phone somewhere he decided to put one on his phone too... but couldn't think of one so stole mine! (Very secure I'm sure )

on the other you're a cool doormat

Doormat is letting someone treat you like shit - being rude to you, actually cheating on you, not contribute in the house, belittle you, lie to you, tell you what to do etc.

I literally fail to see how your partner having hobbies/going out/having female friends is treating you like shit in any way...

Otherwise my partner must be a doormat because I went for a drink with a male friend last week and went on a long-haul holiday on my own and while there, talked to at least 1 male. Shock horror!

. No one thinks her husband is shagging the pta theabysswithin

On behalf of mnetters everywhere, I'd just like to say thanks for sharing your fabulousness.

I went for a drink with a male friend last week and went on a long-haul holiday on my own and while there, talked to at least 1 male. Shock horror!

Dirty Stop out

If you've been married 25 years, does that mean that your husband is a 50 year old porn viewer who ogles other women in front of you and gets so wankered (after a PTA hike, which we'll gloss over..) that he stays out all night on someone's sofa? He's a lot cooler than me!

I checked my ex's phone, when my spidey senses where tingling, that he was cheating. Turned he was . That gone girl quote was spot on :(

The problem isn't women who are laid back it's the ones who believe that their relationship is better/how things should be because they are supposedly so laid back.

When the truth is the so-called 'cool girls' probably do a million things that would drive other peoples husbands to flee the country.

You might not know his e-mail password and still treat him like total crap.

A truly cool wife would indulge in a little bit of swapping

You're not cool OP.

Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame

*were

@MoistCantaloupe
I didn't get it at first but you'll only tend to see it on threads like

OP - AIBU to not be happy that DH gave his colleague a lift home from the christmas party without telling me

Thrn you get a mix of replies:

1. YABU it's a lift. Chill out.
2. YAB sort of U - it's only a lift but if ut's a detour then it would have been nice to call and say he'll be late. I wouldn't be bothered about the lift but would be bothered if I'd stayed up and he was out later than planned.
3. YANBU - he really should have let you know if he's out later than planned as anything could havr happened, but I wouldn't make a big deal or anything unless there are other red flags
4. YANBU!! I'm sure he has been loving all the attention from her. I bet she's younger too and his ego is being fed. Is he working late? Is he online/his phone lots? Maybe try to look at his phone when he's in the shower and see how much they've been texting? Don't ask him outright yet because he'll cover his tracks. Play the long game OP. If he's innocent then he won't mind.

Generally the people who will use the 'cool wife' insult are at the very top of group 3 into group 4.

Hey weebo

grey it wasn’t a name change fail she’s just not highlighting her quotes.

I think the ‘cool wife’ insult is actually used more often in response to criticisms of ‘controlling’ behaviour, especially when it’s borderline between bein controlling and genuinely having a problem with out of line behaviour.

So much of it is contextual. What would be ok in one relationship might not be ok in another because the guy is for example already checking out or being disrespectful but using ‘controlling’ as an insult to smokescreen his behaviour.

I just don’t know why women have to rip each other down for their different approaches and emotions. We cannot all be the same and we shouldn’t try.

Crack on OP, but don’t judge others who wouldn’t be comfortable with opposite sex sleep overs or binge drinking to loss of control.

4. YANBU!! I'm sure he has been loving all the attention from her. I bet she's younger too and his ego is being fed. Is he working late? Is he online/his phone lots? Maybe try to look at his phone when he's in the shower and see how much they've been texting? Don't ask him outright yet because he'll cover his tracks. Play the long game OP. If he's innocent then he won't mind.

OMG I see so much of this. Jesus christ. Do people actually live like this.