To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

[zeezeek]

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

Why have you thrown your toys op? You started thread to get attention. Fit some bizarre reason people have given it to you. Job done, surely.

Sounds like you care more about being seen as cool, than you do about your poor friend who needed some support.

What the actual fuck?

My friend wasn’t looking for support and on the rare occasion when she has I’ve given it to her.

So much conjecture

That's fair enough

But I still don't know what you mean by "discreet"
That he doesn't tell you? or that others don't find out?

(BTW OP it would really help if you highlighted what others have said in some way as it makes your posts hard to understand)

Or that I can’t be arsed to answer you question.

I having bold fails on my iPad.

Ah, OK. Just interested. On account of you putting it all out there on a thread.As you were.

(I favour >>>>> as a way of signalling quotes )

I would see having sex with someone else as a lack of respect so I'm totally lost with this thread.

What is it you trust your partner not to do?

I would see having sex with someone else as a lack of respect so I'm totally lost with this thread
She lost me on that one too (and I've been called a "cool" wife).

To me if 2 adults want to make an informed decision to enter into an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship or engage in swinging/no strings encounters etc then that's up to them as long as both parties are having their needs met.

As the OP gave more details, it just sounds like she gives him the green light yo act how he likes knowing he has wifey at home. I find that difficult to square with a more liberal couple with different boundaries based on respect.

DH and I fit very much to thr 'cool spouse' style because it works for us and but we aren't cool. We just have bounaries which work for us and it'e built on respect. I could never see myself being cool staying at home whilst he sleeps with who he likes

Thanks for the beer OP! And the other assorted delicacies. Quite frankly in your shoes I'd give up now because over 70% of respondents to this thread haven't read or understood your original post (to be fair I think maybe your title confused them) and most are projecting their own fears and even paranoia. It's time they went back to renovating their cellars to make cells to lock up potentially straying husbands and we just got on with living our lives.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim

Why have you thrown your toys op? You started thread to get attention

Is this a criticism? Does this mean everyone who starts a thread does it for attention? Are all OP just attention seekers? Should we therefore dismiss every thread?

So much criticism because the OP has,a relationship that works for her. Despite the fact that she travels the world in her job, is away from home presumably doing interesting and respected work she can be dismissed as a 'wifey' because of how her husband behaves.

Should all women define themselves by their husbands behaviour?

So much reaction really does reflect on the posters not the OP as has been previously stated.

If I was you OP I would sit back and enjoy the show.

I don't have a problem with the opening post, Spartacus, it's the subsequent posts that confused me somewhat, as the OP goes on to refer to having agreed early on in her relationship that discreetly sleeping with someone else, eg while away from home as the OP often is with work, would be perfectly OK. It's hard to work out where this arrangement fits in with the PTA! Are they too close to home, too close to her dh and not likely to be people one can successfully be discreet with (ie able to avoid becoming the talk of the playground), or is that nugget of information entirely irrelevant to the original post?! Because once you have muddied the waters by sneaking in the fact that you are cool with a bit of sexual infidelity, not just with having friends of the opposite sex that you socialise with, it becomes a whole new and interesting debate on just how far you are happy for your partner to go before you feel free to say to them that, actually, you are not cool with their behaviour.

YetAnotherSpartacus
Other than people who were unfamiliar with a certain type of woman using 'cool wife' as a sneery insult, I don't think that many people have missed the point. They just have different views.

I'm very much of the view that normal women (with a whole range of prefered lines in their relationship) don't go around mocking others calling them the 'cool wife'. I have only ever seen it used by women justifying quite insecure and controlling behaviour (which would get a LTB if a man did it). I've been called a 'cool wife' on MN for quite normal things like thinking phone checking is odd and it's fine to have opposite sex friends.

I have to admit though I was with thr OP lots on this thread until the 'not caring if he sleeps with someone'. To me it read like 'i'll allow my DH to do whatever he likes whilst I sit at home bring wifey' in which case I can see why some peoplr might say 'are you sure you're not being a doormat'. I'm all for people agreeing non monogamous relationships but to me at least they are based on mutual benefit- not a green light for one half to sleep around whilst it technically not being cheating

It's hard to work out where this arrangement fits in with the PTA! Are they too close to home, too close to her dh and not likely to be people one can successfully be discreet with (ie able to avoid becoming the talk of the playground), or is that nugget of information entirely irrelevant to the original post?!

Where have I even insinuated that my husband’s hike at the weekend was at all linked to any arrangement we had re occasional infidelity? The thought never crossed my mind and didn’t his either - because in the spirit of the apparent open marriage we have I’ve shown him this thread and he’s just said that he was too knackered after the walk and too drunk to do anything other than sleep.* Oh and btw the couple he stayed with were more drunk than him. In fact he was just above the drink drive limit, but was tired and hadn’t eaten much so it affected him.*

zeezeek - you didn't insinuate it, you downright stated you accepted infidelity in the middle of a thread about your dh's exploits with the PTA. I fail to see why you needed to mention your attitude to sexual infidelity at all - what has it got to do with whether or not you are OK with your dh going for a hike and a drink with the PTA?! And once you had mentioned it, why so unwilling to then clarify how far your not-bothered-with-a-bit-of-sex-on-the-side actually extends? Would you have been bothered if he had said that, actually, he would have been up for a threesome if the couple whose house he slept at hadn't been so pissed?!

Oh for heavens sake. This is now getting ridiculous. Threesomes? Really? My husband is a member of the PTA because our children go to that school bit because of any opportunity for sexual exploits. And I didn’t mention our arrangement until further in the thread and I have also stated that although we have it, neither of us have taken up the opportunity. And yes, I’ve asked him and he’s asked me. Interestingly we both agree that having permission to do it is the thing that puts us off.

This thread was about a perceived insult I got from a friend about other aspects of our relationship ie the one where I allow my husband to go out on a hike with female friends when I, away, and then to not kick off when he informs me he stayed overnight with some of those friends.

roundaboutthetown

I know the OP opened this particular can of worms but expecting her to "clarify" the details of this particular arrangement is a bit weird. It seems to me it is an unspoken let's see what happens kind of thing. So expecting and asking for exact details is pushing it a bit.

Has your belief that you are perfectly OK with a bit of extramarital sex ever been tested?

Maisy, exactly. Nail on head.

I don't believe having permission to have sex with someone else is what puts either of you off. It's the knowledge that you might damage your trust in each other and feel guilty about it. That's also why you haven't actively considered how far either of you could go before the other one would be deeply upset if they found out - because the reality is always very different from the theory. That's my opinion, anyway! I have never in my life not done something because I am allowed to do it!

have never in my life not done something because I am allowed to do it!

But you admit that is your own personal opinion? Mine and my husbands is that by giving each other permission it removes the excitement of the secrecy and illicit ness. It is obviously those two things that would encourage us to sleep with someone else. For other people, there are other reasons.

But none of this is anything to do with what the conversation with my friend was about.

I was like you op but then i divorced him.in my case the reason I wasn't bothered if he looked at women or spending time with him was because I just didn't care

Replying to yourself and a name change fail.

zeezeek Mon 27-Nov-17 21:21:59

I'm with you OP. A study showed that the biggest predictor of marriage success is....giving each other space.........

Nicely done cool wife.

zeezeek - there is still every opportunity for your dh to be having illicit threesomes with the PTA and getting a thrill from it because you don't suspect anything. If being illicit turns you on, your arrangement does nothing to stop the excitement of cheating on you, or you on your dh. All you have is trust, like everyone else in a successful relationship, regardless of any weird promises that you are quite happy for your partner to have extramarital sex.

You do realise the narrative voice from whom you were quoting so gleefully was a dysfunctional murderous sociopath who had never had a relationship with someone they could call a friend, right?

Bit off tangent but that blindingly obvious comment hadn't occured to me. I hated the book and the characters and I really hate the "cool girl" insult and that quote which gets trotted out regularly on MN. But you are right - it is a stream of consciousness from a repulsive , untrustworthy character.

Oh..so no humping on the hike .

The open marriage is hypothetical then..a "you can if you want to" thing?

What's the benefit for wife? Home comforts/security?

I'm not against open relationships if they truly are mutual. No way I'd be the passive partner not having my variety too tho

But if the security if marriage and home comforts is enough for some then I guess it's a different type of open (half open..?) that could work too I suppose, albeit much more fun n free n cool for one half of the couple