To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

[zeezeek]

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

I think it's awesome! Clearly you trust each other and as long as it works both ways ignore the naysayers.
Like I always say, if they're gonna cheat, they are gonna do it anyway, so restricting their lifestyle does nothing but cause stress and anxiety to both parties!

A relationship without trust is a pretty shitty relationship. That's why I would never tell my dh I wouldn't mind if he were unfaithful, because I know that the reality is that if I found out he was shagging the mothers of the PTA, I wouldn't want him to hang around with them again. I wouldn't expect him to be shagging them in the first place, though, because I have never been given any reason not to trust him. The OP, on the other hand, goes further than mere trust and doesn't object to a bit of infidelity. Not that she has made it clear whether infidelity that close to home on a regular basis is quite what she meant when she agreed with her dh many years ago that a bit of infidelity was fine and dandy!

YetAnotherSpartacus 🍻🍻🍻 courtesy of my iPad.

I’m done with trying to actually respond sensibly on this thread so instead - for those who were supportive 🍻🍺🥃🍷🍹🍾🍸🥂🍫🍪☕️🍦🍰🎂🍨🍔🌮🍕🌭 cheers!!

I think it's quite unpleasant to come onto a public forum and openly bash other styles of relationships which have been developed by, and work really well for, other people.

Ok I know I said I was done responding sensibly but this, really? I was complaining about having my style of relationship bashed!!

Fuck me some people need to learn to read.

MephistophelesApprentice, "toxic femininity" is a phrase that exists because feminists coined "toxic masculinity". Your use of it annoyed me because it's used in an appropriative and false equivalency fashion all over the internet at the moment. Your post struck me as doing that - especially as you then commented "if that's how you want to perform your femininity" - that is, you used language which shows that you are a man familiar with feminist language.

On the subject of "cool wives" I do think it is a term and a concept which both pressures women into accepting shitty male behavior and mocks them as fools for doing so. Which is both depressing and unsurprising.

OP
What do you trust him to not do?

Does this mean I'm not cool?!
Damn!!

@zeezeek presumably you could also stand to 'learn to read' , because if you read my second post you would see I agreed your friends words weren't too nice either...

Sorry rigg you did indeed. But the frustration wasn’t just with you!

Not again yoda - I would what?

You said you trust him. But trusting him means you are trusting him not to hurt you. What that means to some of us is trusting him not to cheat, because cheating would hurt. What could he do that would hurt you? And what do you mean by 'discreet'

Oh Lord OP! you know the majority of women on MN are the possessive types who control everything their partner does and positively enjoy thoroughly emasculating men in to wimpering souls who hand over all their cash, don a pinny and clean the bog whilst simultaneously do the bath time and bed routine, knocking up a mean carbonara whilst Miz languishes on the sofa, happy consuming her own body weight in gin , wine and crisps.

God forbid you or he have individual personalities, interests, friends, hobbies - but above all most MN posters HATE women in stable relationships that they can't chip at, plant doubt and break down.

Splinterz

I know right. Fucking harridans.

I prefer whimpering

Yetanotherspartacus I suppose that is also something and a thing that's never been a concern for me. I haven't ever relied on a man for money. I earned a very decent wage from a young age and invested it.

Beachcomber

I'll use whatever language is required to convey a concept, pretty much regardless how upsetting you find my appropriation of it. Feminism
doesn't own sociology.

And 'cool girl/wives' are an abusive concept used by feminists to disguise their enforcement of rigid conservative gender roles - an expression of internalised misogyny.

I was a cool wife once. My dh worked away all the time. I didn't mind him going out, I was super cool with his new friend's because I trusted him completely. Then he shagged one. Most uncool wives/partners were once cool. They just got screwed over and learnt from it that being cool isn't always all it cracks up to be.

This thread is a study in false dichotomies.

• You don't have to go as far as being in a vaguely open marriage to be "cool" with your husband crashing at a friend's house after too many pinots.
• You can also think it's inconsiderate of your partner to booze it up and staying out all night without being a ball-busting harridan (if you don't have kids, not caring about that sort of thing is probably easier).
• Being jumpy and suspicious of your husband may mean you're paranoid and controlling, or it may also be that your spidey senses are going red alert because your husband actually is playing away.

How would not being a "cool wife" have stopped him betraying you?

Because with hindsight you see all sorts of things you didn't see before and realise that had they been addressed you'd never be in that situation. For many, being cool means appropriate boundaries slide because you didn't even realise they needed enforcement.

It seems the OP doesn't want to admit to having a red line. I guess she'll know it when she comes across it! As for publicly bashing other styles of relationship on a public forum, I'm not sure what the fuck the OP thinks she has done with her friend's relationship. Or maybe she hypocritically thinks it's fair game to be a bitch about her friend on a public forum because her friend was a bitch towards her off a public forum.

I have no idea what a cool wife is

But saying you are one seems a bit like saying 'I am zany me' .....which is not cool

You've been handed your "cool" arse on a plate, I would give it up

Sounds like you care more about being seen as cool, than you do about your poor friend who needed some support.

than you do about your poor friend who needed some support.

When a man is controlling - "LTB and call the police"

When a woman is controlling - "poor her, she must have issues, why aren't you helping her"

You said you trust him. But trusting him means you are trusting him not to hurt you. What that means to some of us is trusting him not to cheat, because cheating would hurt. What could he do that would hurt you? And what do you mean by 'discreet

It would hurt me if he lost respect for me or stopped trusting me. If I felt he didn’t have my back or didn’t stand up for me.

Discreet means....discreet.