To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

[zeezeek]

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

There are two very different things here.

• A marriage in which both parties are deeply committed, yet not totally monogamous, and in which there is no worry about cheating/infidelity yet a rock-solid commitment

• A marriage that isn't monogamous, where one party is disproportionately worried/affected/upset by cheating (or the prospect thereof), but doesn't feel able to raise it as an issue because they'd become less attractive for doing so.

I know of no instances of the first, and quite a few of the second.

She wasn't nasty too her friend, her friend was nasty to her. As a lot of people on this thread have been nasty too. It's amazing how threatened some people feel by the idea there are women out there who aren't sticking tracking devices in their husband's cars and timing their journey home

Agreed! I am just so glad I don't walk in their shoes!

Well I've been together with my partner a lot longer than the OP and never had need of a tracking device etc. Don't feel the need to post about it.
Maybe her pal was telling it as she sees it?
OPs defenders are getting so very worked up about supporting her and her porno industry loving husband.

How 1960's they both still are!

Where I'm from people would just say she was being taken for a gobshite....

No MephistophlelesApprentice what I get from that quote is that a 'cool girl' has adapted herself to become what is expected of her by the men....it's like acting out a porno....it is the modern day equivalent of the stepford wife, repressive and constrictive rather than a break from gender roles.

Nothing to add - just want to say thank you for a wonderful thread

theaveragewife

I disagree. It's bullying women who do like beer, sports or sexual freedom or any other 'masculine' activities by accusing them of being stepford wives and just doing it to pretend.

Toxic femininity convinces women they have to act as paranoid zookeepers for their ostensible partners - that they can't be friends or have shared interests, but instead be two aliens living in some socially enforced partnership based on insecurity and mistrust. That's fine, if that's how you want to perform your femininity, but if you start tearing down people who don't conform and justifying it by claiming they're liars or showoffs you're just a bully. That simple.

(How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)” "

And this is what someone who is aware of how fundamentally pathetic they are uses to excuse their ongoing commitment to weakness.

OPs defenders are getting so very worked up about supporting her and her porno industry loving husband.

I just love how MN can twist things to mean something entirely different. My DH (like most men I would guess) occasionally watches a soft porn film. Nothing involving anything even vaguely kinky. In fact I think 50 Shades was probably more hardcore than what he watches. Not that I would know because I didn't bother to read it or see the films.

It's amazing how the kind, considerate, intelligent and open minded man I've known for nearly 30 years has been demonised into this porn addicted swinger, based merely on a thread on MN that was about a conversation his wife had with a friend.

I have never in my life met women who go out drinking beer and make a show out of being "one of the lads". I would find all that boring to the max. I can't stand "lad culture" even when it's men, so why any woman would want to emulate it is beyond me.

Surely the vast majority of women have no idea whatsoever about whether they are a "cool wife" or not. Most people are "normal" as in it wouldn't occur to them to put tracking devices in their husband' cars . They have nothing to prove because trust the DH and have every expectation that he'll behave like a reasonable person.

"BertrandRussell

And that, right there, is why feminism sucks so hard.

Because as soon as woman does break out of gender expectations about correct feminine behaviour, feminists find a reason to call her inauthentic and shit all over her"

Oh, mephistopheles! Did you hear that whooshing sound? That was the point. Straight over your head!

I have never in my life met women who go out drinking beer and make a show out of being "one of the lads". I would find all that boring to the max. I can't stand "lad culture" even when it's men, so why any woman would want to emulate it is beyond me

Definitely not 'one of the lads', but in my youth, I did go out drinking with groups of men, often as the only woman. Circumstances meant that I was mainly mixing with men at the time and some of us became friends. Mostly we discussed literature, films and philosophy and mutual gossip. I'm not a cool girl or cool wife (certainly not a wife!), but I do still have male friends and enjoy doing some things stereotypically associated with males and masculinity.

I can't stand "lad culture" even when it's men, so why any woman would want to emulate it is beyond me

Maybe because women have different personalities and tastes and not all of us want to talk about shoes over Prosecco?

Because as soon as woman does break out of gender expectations about correct feminine behaviour, feminists find a reason to call her inauthentic and shit all over her

Is it feminists doing the shitting here though? It seems to me to be deeply conservative women who are afraid of the kinds of rights and freedoms that (some) feminists may want. Or have things gone 'whoosh' over my head too. I haven't read the 'cool wife' book.

There is an in between surely.

Where you trust your husband, but it would upset you if he shagged another woman

I have never in my life met women who go out drinking beer and make a show out of being "one of the lads". I would find all that boring to the max. I can't stand "lad culture" even when it's men, so why any woman would want to emulate it is beyond me.

Really? I know lots of women who go out drinking beer. I drink beer. I'm not sure what your definition of being "one of the lads" means - but if it is going out to have a few drinks and laughs, maybe watch football or some other sport and have some more drinks - then I know a lot of women who do so. Not sure why that's a problem, unless, of course you are one of those women who think that women shouldn't have more than one sweet sherry and sit around sharing recipes and knitting.

There is an in between surely.

Where you trust your husband, but it would upset you if he shagged another woman

Well quite! I don't break out into a cold sweat every time he leaves the house, but I would be pretty devastated if he cheated on me.

I was going to offer you a beer OP - but I have just realised there is no beer emoticon - just gin and wine :( [beer] (just to see if it works).

I had a whatever mate you can do one attitude to anyone I dated if they tried to change me or stop me doing something I wanted to., The thought of deliberately pleasing a man grinds my gears.

Gaming is one of my main hobbies Many males I have met gaming dislike me as I do not automatically defer to them in game. Of my women friends that game almost all of them let the guys lead. My friend introduced me to two of his friends last night. They had never met a woman in game, I beat them all by a long shot.

I have known women change themselves to attract or keep a mate. One girl I worked with loved rugby as did her BF, he played and she watched every week. They broke up. Next BF loved football she suddenly loved football. Erm no you used to hate football and used to belittle it. That's what that quotes all about. I actually like cricket and football in that order and played them both, loathe rugby. Remember meeting a rugby team out once they were buying us all drinks I was happy to tell them when asked that I thought rugby was shit.

DH and I work in the main because we have similar attitudes. I have gone on hols without him and he extends his business trips as why wouldn't you add on a couple of days sightseeing in Brazil as work have paid for your flights. That seemed to disturb both men and women we know. Well both of us can then come back and relay tales of daring do. Well mines more I have gone to lots of art galleries, which he has zero interest in and he has gone canoeing down the Amazon and done dangerous extreme sports stuff that is daring do. I actually can't do some of the stuff he likes due to issues with my back coming on in middle age. I did in the past though.

As far as I'm concerned any man I have ever dated either wants to be with me or doesn't. If you feel you need to keep an eye on them it's either a lack in your own confidence or choices or your dating an untrustworthy twat.

As far as I'm concerned any man I have ever dated either wants to be with me or doesn't. If you feel you need to keep an eye on them it's either a lack in your own confidence or choices or your dating an untrustworthy twat

Or you are financially dependent on them ...

You've really hit a few raw nerves here OP and I think it says more about the people responding than it does about you.

Yup. The paranoia is insane.

"He stayed round a woman's house he must have shagged her!!!!!"

If you think that little of men, why are you married to one....

There's nothing laddish or cool about drinking beer or liking football. I do both, and I'm not laddish or cool, or a porno Stepford wife, those are just a couple of things I happen to like. Admittedly, I'm not married to a man who goes hiking with the PTA though, maybe that's what makes the difference, those vanilla types always seem to have undercurrents.

The accusation was made to the op. Not sure what cool means as an insult.

Normal men can associate with women without having random sex, even if drunk. Sad if this is considered unusual.

Normal men can associate with women without having random sex, even if drunk

Or a member of the PTA.

I thought we were cool.
Turns out we were just indifferent. Now we are divorced.

Burger and a beer is one of my taste buds fav things!

DH and I go out mainly alone with friends due to lack of babysitters. We are free to do as we please and we do not feel the need to check up on each other. However if he stayed at a womans house overnight i would not be happy and vice versa! (Unless there was a real need for not being able to get home)