To think I'm cool with being a cool wife

[zeezeek]

I’ve been married for over 25 years now and have always had a good relationship with my husband. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and are apart a lot. I was talking to a female friend earlier today about how DH went hiking with some women he knows from the PTA and ended up getting trashed and staying over at one of their houses. She didn’t understand why that didn’t bother me and accused me of being a cool wife and giving other women a bad name.

As it was the woman’s husband was there as well, but even if now, it wouldn’t have bothered me. He’s a grown man and not my possession - as I’m not his. We respect each other and give each other leeway to be independent and live our own lives.

I don’t make a fuss if he’s looking at other women and he doesn’t make a fuss if I’m looking at other men.

Neither of us are bothered by the other spending time with friends of the opposite sex.

While I hate the porn industry as an industry I can’t get bothered by my husband watching it.

So, if that makes me a cool wife, then I’m cool with it.

I thought we were cool. Turns out we were just indifferent. Now we are divorced.

I love MN. All relationships are doomed I tell ye, DOOMED.

I think MN is a bad place to talk about this kind of stuff - I think too many people get twitchy and feel there is implied criticism.

Um. I think DH and I probably have a bit of a 'cool' relationship. It isn't a massive effort or anything - we've just always socialized in quite mixed groups and have both male and female friends, and he finds some of my hobbies incredibly dull and vice versa. He's crashed at my best friend's house before, as he was down in London for work and I wasn't. It didn't bother me. I'm sure nothing happened.

We don't check each other's phones, we don't worry that much. It always seemed so much less work than all this 'read his messages in case he's exchanged commentary about game of thrones with Claire in finance' malarky. I knew one guy at work who wasn't allowed to watch certain TV shows or films because his wife felt it was disrespectful of him to ogle other women. I remember his sneaking out at lunchtime to watch one of the X Men films. Madness!

But I guess different strokes and all that. World would be quite dull if we were all the same.

Well, Bertrand feel free to descend from your lofty heights and explain it to me.

You do realise the narrative voice from whom you were quoting so gleefully was a dysfunctional murderous sociopath who had never had a relationship with someone they could call a friend, right?

I thought we were cool.
Turns out we were just indifferent. Now we are divorced.

Same!!!

bold fail

This whole thread is bonkers.

Ultimately, if the way you conduct your relationship works for your and your partner, that's great. But don't think it makes you any better than someone who has a different style of relationship. (And I direct this not just to OP but to everyone on this thread - myself included!)

One person's "cool" is another person's "indifference". One person's "close" is another person's "controlling". Ultimately, all that matters is that it works for the two people in the relationship, and if it does, the relationship works. Happy days.

I thought we were cool.
Turns out we were just indifferent. Now we are divorced.

So that's a good thing right? You didn't want to stay married to someone who was indifferent to you did you? Sorry, I think I may be missing the point of your post. What are you actually saying? It sounds a bit like you're trying to have a dig at the OP by implying that she and her DH are simply indifferent to each other, rather than loving and trusting of each other. Apologies if that's not the case.

One person's "close" is another person's "controlling". Ultimately, all that matters is that it works for the two people in the relationship,

Yeah but one person being possessive and controlling hardly ever "works" for the other person, they just feel slowly suffocated/scared to leave....

YetAnotherSpartacus I'm more than happy with gin or wine!! Cheers

I still think there should be a beer emoticon! Maybe I was doing it wrong [real ale] ???

Sorry nothing to do with cool wives just wanted to post this link as MephistophelesApprentice used the phrase "toxic femininity" and it annoys me when men appropriate feminist language.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.fr/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Toxic_femininity&ved=0ahUKEwiA3t_su-HXAhUmDMAKHTTWAgcQFggcMAA&usg=AOvVaw2IwNXc-gV1MXU3qLghaaci" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.fr/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Toxic_femininity&ved=0ahUKEwiA3t_su-HXAhUmDMAKHTTWAgcQFggcMAA&usg=AOvVaw2IwNXc-gV1MXU3qLghaaci

Toxic femininity is a term used by Men's rights advocacy activists to construct a False equivalence between Toxic masculinity (a manifestation of Patriarchy that both harms men, and causes men to be violent and aggressive against women and occasionally other men) and patriarchal limitations on women's gender presentation and expression.

There is no such thing as toxic femininity

I think people are comparing one extreme to another. Kind of

'If you don't let your husband do whatever the fuck he wants, you are an insecure harridan', which is just far from the truth

I would have thought, as with all things a personal as a marriage or relationship, that what's important is that the parties involved are in agreement and happy as to the way the relationship is conducted?

So while you're perfectly entitled to your relationship as you and your partner like it OP, I think it's quite unpleasant to come onto a public forum and openly bash other styles of relationships which have been developed by, and work really well for, other people.

riggitywrecked - I thought she was on here because a friend of hers had been bashing her relationship in real life and she was feeling a bit bruised? Like everyone else who posts here looking for validation of their life choices.

(I'd also add that I see WAY more sneering of 'cool wives' and that style of relationship on here than anything else)

the sex must be bad

VioletHaze I'm not sure OP feels too bruised about it but you're quite right; not the friend's job to be judgmental either as long as her friend is happy!

I'm not bashing what has now been deemed 'cool wives' either, just saying that there's no need to make other people feel rubbish about the type of relationship they have.

Beachcomber I wasn't using 'toxic femininity' as a cohesive phrase, I was using it to describe femininity as toxic.

Because semantic wars and attempts at linguistic control are fun for everyone. You don't own sociological language, sorry.

@YoloSwaggins That's why I said it has to work for the two people in the relationship - not both of them.

DH and I very rarely socialise without the other, I wouldn't go out to dinner with another man alone (unless it was a relative or very old friend), we share an iPad so often see each other's emails and alerts, we have fully shared finances, he knows all my passwords, we email throughout the day, we've never spent a night apart since we got married, if I'm driving and get a text he'll read it for me (if I ask) and vice versa etc etc. Neither of us feel controlled and everything was either a mutual decision or not even something we needed to discuss. It 100% works for us but would be a total nightmare for others.

My ex was the opposite and wanted (and got) a lot more privacy, and my previous ex I wanted more privacy from (for various reasons) so those relationships were completely different but again, both parties were happy.

@riggitywrecked Agreed.

• not just one of them, that should say!

@peachgreen but your situation is clearly not possessive as both of you are happy being "close" and have freely chosen to. If you don't go for dinner with male friends ANYWAY, not because your partner told you not to, then that's fine.

My problem is with people saying they "keep their partner on a tight leash" and "don't let them do stuff" but are unwilling to live so restrictively themselves. The other partner is very rarely happy in a situation like that.

But yes if a setup works for both people and they are both happy then that is a good relationship.

I was a complete idiot cool wife too until he betrayed me emotionally .

OP - no I have not seen women who insist on drinking beer, vomiting and getting worked up about football, since about 1995 (freshers week at uni) and they were just pretending to be "one of the lads" to get attention.
In other countries people don't behave like this and it's not "cool" by any stretch of the imagination.
When we were 18 it was maybe a laugh to all crash at someone's house last minute. Couldn't be bothered with all that now though.

How would not being a "cool wife" have stopped him betraying you?

Unless you locked him in a cellar

Like, do you think the way to not be betrayed is to restrict someone's movements? You think that will stop them or will stop them ever wanting to?