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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this behaviour is totally not ok?!

304 replies

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 13:56

Im on holiday with my OH this week and have just found a few photos of a topless sunbather on his phone that he must have taken earlier (was looking at a photo he had taken of me from last night).
I'm gutted as I'm going to have to confront him about this asap and it's going to ruin the holiday which I've been looking forward to for so long and has cost us a small fortune. Would never have expected this sort of behaviour from him! Absolutely fuming!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 15:22

Confronted him and he was really shocked and said that he had been taking photos of the pool area as it's so luxurious and he wanted to be able to remember it. To be fair, the pool is right next to the topless woman. However he took 3 photos in total and one was definitely zoomed in on her boobs, and she was standing up in one and she's right in the centre of the pic, not the pool. She's got a great body so I highly doubt he didn't notice her boobs when taking the photos Hmm
Don't really know what else to say as he's completely denying that it was anything pervy. I feel so fed up!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/11/2017 15:22

Yuck what a perv. It's totally horrible. Don't think I'd get passed this. Who wants to be married to a type of man who thinks it's OK to do this. Well it certainly isn't OK.

cherrycola2004 · 27/11/2017 15:23

Has no one ever taken a pic of a topless bloke on holiday to send to mates like "look at the view" jokey sort of way? Perhaps something like that. I know I've a friend who often sends me that when she's on holiday!

user1499786242 · 27/11/2017 15:23

Of course he denied it! What a twat

Oddish · 27/11/2017 15:23

Creepy and disrespectful.
I don’t think I could get past this, not because of picture of boobs but the sleazy way in which it was obtained, what a gross slime bag he is. Sorry you had to find out this way but at least you know now Flowers

FlowerPot1234 · 27/11/2017 15:24

Angelwendy

Don't really know what else to say as he's completely denying that it was anything pervy.

Do you know what to say as he's lying to you and it is totally pervy?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/11/2017 15:24

No. He's been bust (no pun intended) and is too gutless to own up to it.

Sorry OP, but this would be the end of the relationship for me, even if you don't dump him until you get home. What a crap thing to happen.

lollipop7 · 27/11/2017 15:24

He's disgusting.

I couldn't stand staying with someone who's wilfully and surreptitiously done something like that. There would be no amount of explaning that would change my mind.

It says way too much bloody awful stuff about him. It's flesh crawling stuff. I would feel too contaminated and implicated in it to consider staying in a relationship with him.

Whinesalot · 27/11/2017 15:25

I've taken pool pictures and wouldn't have been aware of the people in it, so that could have been his intention. But you can see the pictures, saw his reaction and you know him. Can you move on from this?

Oddish · 27/11/2017 15:25

cherrycola that’s grim and just as sleazy. It’s not ok to take pictures of someone without their consent and share it for entertainment. Ever.

ObscuredbyFog · 27/11/2017 15:25

Dash out with his phone and take a few zoomed-in crotch-shots of guys in tight tiny Speedos, see how your OH likes that.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/11/2017 15:31

So sorry OP- this must have been an awful shock. What a disappointment on a holiday you've looked forward to.

I'm in shock at posters who are minimising this. I'd be disgusted - it shows a sinister and sneaky side that I could not respect, reveals him to have serious issues around the objectification of a womans body existing for his enjoyment, which are far worse than 'creepy', and has no regard either for his own relationship, Op's feelings, or the feelings of this poor woman who has been violated unknowingly, which is as worrying as it is repulsive.

I cannot believe the posters saying it's fine would be happy to be photographed by other men who would do god knows what with that image and share in any platform they wished. There WILL be other holidays OP, you are right to feel as shocked and annoyed as you do, but don't lower your standards to accept this- he did it because he wanted to and that's all there is to it. Your worth does not decrease because he is looking elsewhere.I hope you are ok- people's disgust is at your partner, and not at you, so i hope you're feeling adequately supported.

geekone · 27/11/2017 15:32

Don't take photos of anybody's crotch that is awful advice it's also violating someone privacy, body and not consensual Angry

PositivelyPERF · 27/11/2017 15:40

FFS! It's not appropriate to take any objectifying photos of ANYONE. Taking sleazy photos of men and sending them to friends. Yuck.

cherrycola2004 · 27/11/2017 15:43

I know @Oddish I understand it's not on and I've never responded to the pics it doesn't interest me. I was just wondering if that is why he had taken them.either way yes it's wrong

crazycatlady5 · 27/11/2017 15:43

Confronted him and he was really shocked and said that he had been taking photos of the pool area as it's so luxurious and he wanted to be able to remember it.

Before I read your last post I was also going to say is it totally not possible that he could have actually just been taking pictures around the woman? Were there loads of other people around? Are you quite a paranoid person in general? Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt although if he really had ‘zoomed’ in on only her, then YANBU.

Original poster
Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 15:45

No one else in the photos other than her. She was sunbathing at the end of the area next to the pool. She was right in the centre of the photos instead of the pool area and he must have zoomed in as 2 of the photos look a lot further away. He's still completely denying he meant to get her in the shots and he's sitting in a huff on the balcony now

OP posts:
KanyeWesticle · 27/11/2017 15:53

He's grim and his behaviour is not
okay. He's a misogynist who gets off on exploiting a strangers vulnerabilty, and has the disrespect to lie to you about it too.

www.localsolicitors.com/criminal-guides/voyeurism-laws-and-offences

Slowtrain2dawn · 27/11/2017 15:54

If she was at the edge of the photos or there were others in shot he might get the benefit of the doubt, but the photos you have described were taken deliberately. And now he is lying and in a huff! I’d be reconsidering this relationship.

MrsPepperpot79 · 27/11/2017 15:55

To zoom in, you have to be aware of what you are zooming in on. He's just pissed that he was caught...

Annelind · 27/11/2017 15:56

Sulking because he got caught out, and now daren't take any more sleaze shots. So sorry OP Sad

I hope the current ones are now deleted? Any apology and admission that this is disrespectful behaviour to both you and the woman he photographed without consent - in fact disrespectful to women in general?

PoorYorick · 27/11/2017 15:57

So he's got no respect for women, or you, and he insults your intelligence.

PositivelyPERF · 27/11/2017 15:58

Of course he's sulking, OP, and he'll continue to do so until you 'act as if' you believe his lie and apologise or worry about having your holiday ruined, so apologise. He's a cowardly arse, but he still wants to gaslight you.

Wellthatwasembarassing · 27/11/2017 15:58

“I didn’t I th accept that as an excuse and you need to fix this now”
I’m not sure how he could fix this but you need to tell him thags it’s disgusying, creepy and perverted. Denying it will only make you loose more trust in him.
Why do people do things like this and then act like they’ve been wronged for getting caught? 😡

HoneyBadgerApparently · 27/11/2017 15:59

Of course he lied. He could hardly admit to behaviour he knows is wrong if not illegal (depending on where you are). To his mind he has nothing to lose by lying. He's trying to put doubt in your mind so you seem unreasonable. But now you have 2 problems, he's a liar as well as a pervert.

I would tell him to go and find another room and then pouring myself a big Gin. No way I'd be sleeping in the same room as him after this.

I hope your OK OP Flowers.