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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That this behaviour is totally not ok?!

304 replies

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 13:56

Im on holiday with my OH this week and have just found a few photos of a topless sunbather on his phone that he must have taken earlier (was looking at a photo he had taken of me from last night).
I'm gutted as I'm going to have to confront him about this asap and it's going to ruin the holiday which I've been looking forward to for so long and has cost us a small fortune. Would never have expected this sort of behaviour from him! Absolutely fuming!!!!

OP posts:
Kickassname · 27/11/2017 16:30

Oh wow. And now he's going to blame YOU for ruining the rest of your holiday. That's classic!

Op you've done nothing wrong here.

This is all down to him.

I do not blame you for being upset and pissed off Flowers

MeAndMyElephant · 27/11/2017 16:30

Your 'paranoia' is not going to spoil anything. But his disgusting behaviour will.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/11/2017 16:31

Your paranoia??!! He's so out of order. I think the lying makes it 100 times worse. I'd rather go to dinner on my own than with a lying pervert. Nasty!

Whinesalot · 27/11/2017 16:32

When you talk to him tonight I'd play it I wouldn't even mention the attractiveness bit. That's irrelevant and normal for blokes. It's not normal to take photo's and it's certainly not normal to lie and play it down.

Starlighter · 27/11/2017 16:32

Yuck! Disgusting behaviour!

Can you imagine if she caught him taking the photo?! Or her husband?! He could be kicked out of the hotel!

His comment about ‘your paranoia’ is so disrespectful. I’d be eating alone tonight or he’d be wearing his dinner!

Collidascope · 27/11/2017 16:34

Taking the photo would be bad enough even if he'd held his hands up and apologised. Instead he's trying to manipulate you into thinking you're at fault. You really aren't. How long have you been together, OP?

NotAgainYoda · 27/11/2017 16:35

Oh so he's gone on the attack. Used inflammatory language too (paranoia). He'll try and frame this as jealousy next. ie your problem.

NotAgainYoda · 27/11/2017 16:37

I agree with Whines. Reasonable people accept their partner noticing attractive women. It's not reasonable to take photos of them, especially without their knowledge or consent

Annelind · 27/11/2017 16:37

He came back into the room and asked if my paranoia was going to ruin the rest of the holiday.

Putting the blame for the awkwardness on you. What a Fuckpig he is. Bin.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/11/2017 16:37

URGH. I was hoping you'd come back and say he was hugely apologetic and contrite and grovelling on his knees for forgiveness. But to turn it around on YOU!?!?!?! Flipping unbelievable!

Whinesalot · 27/11/2017 16:38

"I'm going to feel awful when we see that woman again, knowing he found her body that attractive that he wanted a keepsake.*

That is so not the point. It's ok to find her attractive. The rest isn't ok.

So why should you fear seeing her again? I think there seems to be a lot of dysfunction here.

TheCatIsMyEnemy · 27/11/2017 16:39

Not being funny but I suspect it would bother most people knowing their partner blatantly found another woman so attractive they would take a fucking picture of her.

That isn't dysfunctional. That's normal.

NotAgainYoda · 27/11/2017 16:40

OP

Do you not feel good about yourself?
I wonder how good about youraelf he makes you feel?

I can't help thinking there's a link there somewhere

NotAgainYoda · 27/11/2017 16:43

TheCat

I accept my DH finds other people attractive. Maybe more than me. It would be ludicrous to deny it. He'd never take a photo of anyone though. He'd know that that would be disrespectful of her and me.
And crucially, he makes me feel attractive. He'd never undermine that

CaptainBrickbeard · 27/11/2017 16:43

This exact scenario was posted in the summer with some identical idiotic responses about it being ok because women look at men and it was probably to show off in a WhatsApp conversation as though these make the surreptitious photographing of someone's body acceptable.

Like all people with a functioning brain, I'm careful when taking photos on the beach/at the pool on holiday because I respect the privacy of others and I wouldn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. If people are sunbathing topless, I change the angle and don't take a picture of them! It is not ok.

I would hate to feel like I can't relax on the beach in case some inadequate creep is sneaking photos. It's not justifiable behaviour; it is pathetic. If men want to see breasts, they are hardly difficult to find images of online. So the men who do this specifically enjoy violating women's boundaries - the lack of consent is something they are especially seeking out. It's revolting.

And if I had a female friend who photographed an unsuspecting person in a state of undress and sent it to me whether it was to make jokey comments, be salacious or make fun then I would give them extremely short shrift and tell them to grow up.

I would imagine most hotels would have guidelines about photography for exactly that reason. OP, point out to your partner that if the woman had realised she was in his photos, even in the unlikely event of it being accidental, he could be asked to leave the hotel. There was a model in LA who photographed a woman in the shower at a gym and captioned it with a snide comment about her body and shared it to Snapchat - she's banned from every branch of that gym worldwide for life. I would really hope hotels would do the same for any guests who were snapping sunbathers without their consent or knowledge, especially if they were sharing them on social media for their pathetic 'lads banter'.

NotAgainYoda · 27/11/2017 16:45

Captain

"So the men who do this specifically enjoy violating women's boundaries - the lack of consent is something they are especially seeking out. It's revolting"

Too right

EmmaJR1 · 27/11/2017 16:45

Your dp sounds like a dick.

Takes photos of an unsuspecting women

Gets caught

Lies about it

Accuses you of paranoia and ruining the holiday...

He needs to fuck off!

Insomnibrat · 27/11/2017 16:52

Ive been here OP, it's a living nightmare when you're trapped abroad with a partner who turns into a monster and you didn't see it coming.
It's like you just go into survival mode to get through the week.
This guy is undoubtably a massive arsehole and I'm sorry. Flaming you for 'paranoia' would be the straw that broke the camels back, for me.
Maybe suggest doing your own thing for a couple of days, if you can get around safely. Let him know you're serious.

DownstairsMixUp · 27/11/2017 16:56

Ltb

Pearlsaringer · 27/11/2017 16:57

Is the sunbathing woman accompanied by her OH? If it’s all so innocent why not ask your DH to show them his photos and see how everyone reacts.

Tinselistacky · 27/11/2017 17:02

Was going to suggest telling her /her dh and watch him get a good thumping.

jaseyraex · 27/11/2017 17:09

I sunbathe topless where I can and I'd be absolutely horrified to find some pervy git taking photos of me without my knowledge! If you get caught in the background that's fair does, but zoomed in on her boob's? That's a no go. Disrespectful, illegal and just downright horrible for you and the other woman.

LagunaBubbles · 27/11/2017 17:11

How is it any different to when girls look at guys, everyone does it and comment on people they find attractive

Seriously? You dont see any difference between someone (man or woman) looking at someone they find attractive and actually taking a photograph of someone topless without their consent?

Mrskeats · 27/11/2017 17:11

I certainly would not be going to dinner with him the pervy git.

Whinesalot · 27/11/2017 17:19

Not being funny but I suspect it would bother most people knowing their partner blatantly found another woman so attractive they would take a fucking picture of her. That isn't dysfunctional. That's normal.

You are deluding yourself if you think your partner doesn't find other women attractive. It would be perfectly normal to be very upset about the taking of the photo but I wouldn't be having any thoughts about the woman or fear seeing her again because she is deemed attractive by dickhead DP, as the op has mentioned. She is focusing on the wrong thing here. She should be focusing on her husbands behaviour - The taking of the photo, the lying and the gas lighting. The woman herself is by the bye. She just happens to be the attractive woman who her Dp stupidly photographed thereby showing his disrespect for his partner and women in general.

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