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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this behaviour is totally not ok?!

304 replies

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 13:56

Im on holiday with my OH this week and have just found a few photos of a topless sunbather on his phone that he must have taken earlier (was looking at a photo he had taken of me from last night).
I'm gutted as I'm going to have to confront him about this asap and it's going to ruin the holiday which I've been looking forward to for so long and has cost us a small fortune. Would never have expected this sort of behaviour from him! Absolutely fuming!!!!

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 28/11/2017 07:45

It's very sad OP that you think he was going to propose, and now he's ruined everything with this stupid, creepy photograph.

It's his reaction (denial and treating you like you're stupid) which is almost as bad, and hard to get over.

NaiceBiscuits · 28/11/2017 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 28/11/2017 08:35

I would also agree, firstly he knew what the shot was when he clicked to take it. Ask him if he will be sending his mum the photos to show how great the holiday was, or if he would like it framed for your living room wall as a momento of the holiday, should you show it to your friends to show just how lovely that pool was.

I think you’ve just found out a sleazy side to him. He is the sort of man who will secretly zoom in and photograph women’s breasts by the pool. I mean seriously, eugh,

shorty6768 · 28/11/2017 09:31

@Gingernaut definitely not & you’d know this if you’d read my posts. Btw there is no possible way you’d know if AnyFucker was right as posters don’t usually post updates months after the situation to keep MNers updated do they? Hmm
Like I said I find her criticism in lieu of actual advice just a bit shitty really.

Gingernaut · 28/11/2017 09:41

You're clearly in the minority of opinion holders on this thread shorty6768.

Most of us agree with AnyFucker.

The OP's partner has displayed unacceptable behaviour and clearly is unrepentant.

Original poster
Angelwendy · 28/11/2017 09:41

He has been full of apologies again this morning and being a bit OTT with complimenting me in my bikini (all seems a bit fake).
He's said we'll sunbathe in the family area of the pool for the rest of the holiday (there's an adult only area with a wall up where topless sunbathing is allowed) to stop me worrying and he'll let me look at his phone and messages whenever I want.
I still feel pissed off and like I don't really know him after all this time together. I really need this holiday though after a horrible year of health problems so I'm going to just try and relax and enjoy it

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 28/11/2017 09:43

He didn't apologise. He's not sorry. He only said sorry to shut you up and make you the bad guy for still being upset about it.

I think his reaction to being found out is every bit as worrying as the photo itself

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 28/11/2017 09:44

Cross posted with you OP (but still sceptical, sorry)

NaiceBiscuits · 28/11/2017 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/11/2017 09:52

Are you saying you’re not even going to acknowledge to him you know he’s not telling the truth and you’re choosing to let it go? ie my suggestion upthread.

FlowerPot1234 · 28/11/2017 09:54

I'm going to just try and relax and enjoy it

I couldn't put on a bikini and sunbathe next to my partner who has been taking multiple photographs of another sunbathing lady's breasts. That is about as far away from any relaxing and enjoying as it gets.

bullyingadvice2017 · 28/11/2017 09:58

If this is brushed over and he proposes. You will forever remember the proposal alongside that hol where he took the Pervy pictures.
Every time you ever think of it or look at your ring.

Mustang27 · 28/11/2017 09:59

Enjoy your holiday if you can op.

Please remember he has taken a photo of someone without their consent.
Lied to you about it.
Tried to make out you have issues then sulked.
Oh sulked some more.
Now he is trying to apologise profusely.

This is all about him his next port of call will likely be anger. How fucking dare you think he is like that Hmm seen it all before.

Even if he hadn't done all the rest of the things to dig himself out he still took a photo of some random person it's really not appropriate.

Oh and pp's saying it's ok to look. Of course it is but it's not ok to stare and it's sure as hell not ok to take photographic evidence for what??? Likely wank fodder.

Change this to someone randomly taking pictures of your child is that ok because it's just pictures?

shorty6768 · 28/11/2017 10:09

@Gingernaut I think you should read all my posts on this thread if you’re going to comment on my apparent ‘opinion’.....

whiskyowl · 28/11/2017 10:17

First of all, this is bad behaviour towards the woman whose picture he took. It's not OK!

Second of all, could it be he took it not for his own private enjoyment but to send to a friend as a kind of boast about the eye-candy?? It's the kind of thing a certain kind of stupid and rather unreconstructed male does. It's still not acceptable, and it's still weird and creepy, but in a more public way. Privately perving is just SO horrible.

Thirdly, on all threads like this, I find it hard to know how far to trust protestations that the DH is 'usually' lovely. Because I know a load of women who are simply not good judges of character, married to guys who are obviously not really as devoted or romantic as they would like them to believe. Put it this way: if what you say is true and he really isn't the kind of guy to do this normally, then it's a very odd blip. Isn't it more likely that this is the "real" him?

Original poster
Angelwendy · 28/11/2017 10:18

I've already told him I still don't believe him at all which is why I'm guessing he's being really OTT with his apologies now.
He's still saying he was taking photos of the pool area and it was just unfortunate timing that she was there and he doesn't even find her attractive Hmm
I want to enjoy my holiday as it's the only one I'll get for a long time and has cost a lot of money that I've worked very hard for. When we get home i will be able to have some time apart from him properly to think. And he definitely won't be proposing on this holiday now when he can see how fed up I am with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelwendy · 28/11/2017 10:25

It's very easy to give the advice of "get a flight home" or "go to dinner on your own" when you're not the ones going through the situation.
I think his behaviour is awful and I'm barely talking to him. We are in a hotel in a remote area though and if we were to eat alone then we would be sitting in the same restaurant but at different tables unless we fork out for the very expensive a la carte ones so we can go to different ones.
We also don't have a spare grand lying around to book another room for one of us, or pay for last minute flights home.
I want to enjoy my holiday as much as I can as I have been diagnosed with a horrible illness a few months ago and really, really need time to relax. I will spend my time reading my books and sunbathing. In the evenings we'll go for dinner together but I'm sure it will continue to be awkward. And when I get home I'll have a proper think about whether I can trust him again as I still don't believe him and wish he'd just be honest about it

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 28/11/2017 10:36

So sorry to hear how you are feeling, especially in the light of your health troubles.

Look, not in any way condoning this creepy act as you will see by my comments upthread, but you have to think of you now. You need a stress free holiday. He has fucked up but seems to be making genuine efforts to put things right. I doubt he has been stalking this woman so for all we know it could have been a stupid laddish impulse and completely out of character for him. Of course he’s going to continue denying it, he has painted himself into a corner with a knee jerk denial so he doesn’t know how to go back on that.

By all means read him the riot act when you get home, and ditch him if that feels right, but let yourself have this well deserved holiday.

Magpie18 · 28/11/2017 10:46

Just want to send you my best wishes, do your best to switch off & enjoy your holiday

He has been an idiot but you don't have to make any life changing decisions while you're away - imo it would be extremely foolish if you did. He may have taken those pics on a stupid impulse which lasted seconds - I'm not excusing his behaviour at all but try to keep perspective - you will be in a better frame of mind to deal with it once you're home.

You sound like you need this break, I really feel for you.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 28/11/2017 10:50

Get through the hol as best you can and deal with this when you get home. I don't think he's genuinely sorry though. At most, perhaps sorry that he was found out.

NaiceBiscuits · 28/11/2017 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goatgirly · 28/11/2017 11:01

To those who think it's ok, how little must you think of yourselves to set the bar so low for acceptable behaviour!

Even if he's not lying and it was an accidental zoomed in on boobs shot, his reaction and suggesting you're paranoid says it all. Massive red flag, and I can't help but be a little relieved that you're not married and you have no children with him, but I also agree with AnyFucker, this has been seen time and time again, it will be minimised and forgotten.

Eliza9917 · 28/11/2017 11:28

Angelwendy
He's still saying he was taking photos of the pool area and it was just unfortunate timing that she was there

That's bullshit because any normal person would wait for someone to move out of shot or change the angle of their photo. My FH would never take pictures with people directly in view, even if nothing pervy about it, you don't want other people as the focus in your pics. Of course nothing can be done about people in the background sometimes but you try your best not to get them in shot.

problembottom · 28/11/2017 12:14

It's really creepy behaviour and he's made it worse by lying about it, calling you paranoid and insinuating you're jealous of this woman. The fact he won't admit it suggests he knows exactly what's he done.

BeTheHokeyMan · 28/11/2017 13:24

Op enjoy your holiday to the best you can - eat drink rest sunbathe and read a good book. Deal with dumbass when you get home and can have some space to think properly Flowers