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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That this behaviour is totally not ok?!

304 replies

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 13:56

Im on holiday with my OH this week and have just found a few photos of a topless sunbather on his phone that he must have taken earlier (was looking at a photo he had taken of me from last night).
I'm gutted as I'm going to have to confront him about this asap and it's going to ruin the holiday which I've been looking forward to for so long and has cost us a small fortune. Would never have expected this sort of behaviour from him! Absolutely fuming!!!!

OP posts:

ToffeeUp · 27/11/2017 18:28

No, this behaviour is not ok, far from it. His feeble excuse and calling you paranoid made it even worse.

CaptainBrickbeard · 27/11/2017 18:30

RainyApril, if you had been topless at that pool and found out a man had taken a photo of you without your knowledge and sent it to his friend with a comment about the view, been told to keep it coming and he'd sent further images for this guy to look at while bored at work, how would you feel!

Bare breasts are more intimate than a bare male chest, so it would be worse in that scenario but how would you feel even if it was a photo of you in a skimpy bikini? Does it make you think more about it imagining being on the receiving end? Or do you still think it's ok?

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 27/11/2017 18:35

He sounds horrible op . Don't allow him to twist it round onto you. Ask him if you should show this poor ladies dh the photos he had took ! Can't believe he is saying you are paranoid . He is a creepy bastard

inlectorecumbit · 27/11/2017 18:43

Do you actually want to go to dinner with this sleezebag.

I really don't know what is worse the taking of the photos or the denial that they were intentional. He must think you are zipped up the back!!

GabriellaMontez · 27/11/2017 18:50

My ex would have done this. As part of a pattern of slightly creepy behaviours. Are there other things op?

Original poster

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 18:57

Well we went for dinner and it was a horrible atmosphere. I didn't want to talk to him and he was sulking saying I was being ridiculous. The woman he had taken the photos of was in the restaurant with her friends too which added to the crappy atmosphere. He was saying he doesn't even find her attractive. She has a slim frame and massive boobs so I'm sure he wasn't complaining when she was half naked in front of him. If someone took photos of me topless without my consent I'd be outraged. I'll either have to take his word and drop it, or end things with him if I really don't believe him. I've a lot to think about tonight. It's 9pm here and I'm just going to chill on the balcony with a wine while he carries on sulking

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/11/2017 19:04

If you buy his story, you're telling him that you're a complete gullible mug that can be fed whatever lies he feels like making up, in order to keep him.

He's now got carte blanche to be a full blown arsehole.

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 27/11/2017 19:08

So if he didn't find her attractive why did he feel the need to photo her ? How would he feel if her dh photographed you topless ? You need to tell him to stop sulking and face up to what he has done ! Your allowing him to treat you this way and if you do nothing then your telling him that what he has done is fine

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 19:09

Oh Angel I really, really feel for you. How horrid. I've been thinking about this over dinner (I'm alone tonight), and I thought that this would be akin to you sitting opposite a guy on the sunbeds, and you notice that his swim shorts have slipped a bit, revealing some balls/cock.....how would your Partner feel if you took a photo of that?

How long have you been together? How old are you? Are you married? Got kids? Has he form for this type of thing? Just trying to get a fuller picture here.

It's made me start to wonder if this goes on a lot? Let's face it, it would be so easy for men to look as though they were texting/playing games on their phones, when in fact they could be taking photo's.

FlowerPot1234 · 27/11/2017 19:11

Angelwendy

I'll either have to take his word and drop it, or end things with him if I really don't believe him. I've a lot to think about tonight.

I feel so very sorry for you, for him putting you in this position.

Everything in you will be wanting to keep the status quo and keep things as they are. That is our natural state and if there are no other problems in your relationship, the natural instinct. The only way you can do this is if you force yourself to believe his outlandlish lie and regard it a "could be", against every sensible cell in your body. To do that, you know you are kidding yourself, but you'll try to put it out of your mind. You'll try to forget, but you won't be able to. Or you end things which is an enormous step and you'll try to rationalise how a few photos can't possibly be the end of a marriage, to avoid this.

It's horrible and I picture you on your balcony on holiday. Whatever choice you make, keep true to what you believe and can live with. If you choose to stay, you really will have to live with this day in and day out and this man who takes photos of women sunbathing topless on their holiday behind your back.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 19:12

I'm 29 and he's 33. Been together 4-5 years and we don't have kids and aren't married. He's never shown me the slightest sign that he would behave like this. I've never even heard him compliment another woman before. I don't mind him finding people attractive but to find her THAT attractive that he takes perverted photos of her without her consent is awful behaviour. Going to talk to him now as we can't just sit apart sulking for the rest of the week

OP posts:

beachcomber243 · 27/11/2017 19:13

If you believe his story you will believe anything...and have played right into his hands and probably going to carry on doing so.

Not only is he a weirdo, he's a liar, he sulks [meanwhile thinking up how he can get out of it all, deny the facts and his motives, and blame you], he cannot apologise and then has the cheek to call you paranoid! You have every right to be furious.

Sorry you are involved with such a nasty personality. I would book a flight home and throw his stuff out when you get home.
If he's sulking again now it is probably so he can through another lie, another insult at you.

Take the phone and show the woman and her husband. See if he thinks it's ok to invade another persons privacy then. He likes big tits? Oh bless...is he 10 years old?

LostinLSpace · 27/11/2017 19:19

It's not just about the photo (more articulate people put across how I felt about that upthread) but also now how he reacted and spoke to you too.
If that was DP and I, the trying to foist the problem on your "paranoia" alone would be enough for a serious talking to from me. That is not the way you treat someone you care about.

All in, from the sounds of it he is seriously creepy and a dick to you on top of that... It's not sounding great and if it were me I'd be unable to NOT challenge my DP on both those issues until I was happy.
Yes it may cause an argument now but if you don't challenge it will you forget? Probably not.
If you don't tell him how he talks to you is unacceptable will he change the way he words things? Nope.

OP sorry this happened on what should be a lovely holiday

Original poster

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 19:21

Feel very sad as I have a sneaking suspicion he was going to propose to me on this holiday as he dropped a hint last month. At least I now know that he's a sleaze. Going to talk to him now so will update you all later with what he says about everything

OP posts:

crazycatgal · 27/11/2017 19:21

The fact that he can't even admit what he's done and apologise is what would annoy me the most. Blaming it on paranoia as usual.

WasDoingFine · 27/11/2017 19:21

He's just upset that you've deleted his wank material

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 19:22

Take the phone and show the woman and her husband

The photo's have been deleted now, and in any case, that's a terrible idea. Would cause a huge Jeremy Kyle esk show down, and not help the Op at all.

My initial thoughts after your last post is, Hmm, you've been together for almost 5 years, he hasn't put a ring on it, and he's looking at other women. I'd tell my younger self to end it. However, if I was in the same position now, I probably wouldn't end it. It's so much easier to say LTB when it isn't your own life! Especially if everything else is rosy. Maybe that's the Million Dollar Question? Is this a total one off and everything else is wonderful? Or is this yet another fuck up of his, in a long line of fuck ups?

Kickassname · 27/11/2017 19:25

So sorry Angel.

You have to think though. Would he be posting these pics on Facebook, or printing them off to show his family what a great holiday it was, oh look what a lovely pool we had mum. He wouldn't would he, because he knows it would be madly inappropriate and wrong to show these pictures to anyone. So why would he even keep them at all? For his own private viewing, thats what. Because that's okay to him. He wants to privately admire the 'pool'. Nobody knows but him.

This woman has not consented to that, and even if she had, you are allowed to determine what's acceptable in a relationship from a partner. I'm assuming you've never said you're okay with this behaviour? I certainly have higher standards in my relationship personally, and I think we all should.

If he were able to discuss this rationally without gaslighting you then I'd say perhaps there is a sliver of hope he can learn from this and you can move on. (Unfortunately to many men this can just mean they got away with it and they will just wait a while until they get brave and do it again.)

This is difficult. I feel especially bad for you that this is happening on your holiday.

rollingonariver · 27/11/2017 19:27

Gross. What a creep. I'm so sorry op.

Original poster

Angelwendy · 27/11/2017 19:29

@husky everything is normally fantastic between us. We rarely argue, have great sex, he's romantic and my family and friends love him, he's very handsome, intelligent and does a lot to help me. He's not the type of guy that even so much as compliments another woman on being attractive. That's why I'm so shocked. The photos were obviously taken of her boobs though and it's not just me being paranoid or insecure. One of the photos is zoomed right in and her boobs are right in the middle of the photo with just a tiny part of the pool visible at the side. He doesn't normally sulk but I get the feeling he was planning on proposing so he's probably thinking I've ruined it all. He's saying he wouldn't have kept the photos so blatantly on his phone for me to potentially find if he had taken them to lust after. Maybe he was just sloppy and didn't think he'd get caught though. I just don't know what to think

OP posts:

baskethouse · 27/11/2017 19:30

@Sunnydaysrock WTAF

op. YANBU. this man is a violating voyeur. absolute LTB Id be on the next flight home.

LittleYellowTree · 27/11/2017 19:36

Op better you've found out now then after he'd proposed. So sorry op but he's a complete creep you deserve more than this!

Huskylover1 · 27/11/2017 19:43

Gosh, this is so tricky then! If he was already on a slippery slope, this could be the straw that broke the camels back, but in your case this is a total blip, in what seems to be a great relationship. Aargh!

I highly doubt he took the pics to wank over (as PP have suggested), as you'd get far more erotic stuff on-line.

I'm trying to imagine, how I would be, if I was at a nudist hotel and was surrounded by hunky men with their knobs out. I would definitely be aroused, even though I would never cheat and love DH to bits. Would I take a photo? No. Not unless I'd had several too many drinks and had a sudden leave of my senses.

It's a shame he can't tell you why he did it? "I was pissed and thought I'd send it to Dave with a silly message, then caught hold of myself and realised that would make me a dick"....would be so much better than "I was filming the pool"

LemonysSnicket · 27/11/2017 19:45

Im not bothered about my DP looking at other women but that poor woman ...how dare he take photos of her like that ...disgusting man.

LostinLSpace · 27/11/2017 19:56

TBF if he's in a huff because he was planning to propose, it was him that did wrong not you so you haven't ruined anything. It's up to him to fix it if it can be fixed and only you can say if it can.
Don't let him blame you! His actions were creepy and his reaction to you saying something about it has been very ride at best, dismissive and rude really.

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