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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what your bedtime routine with your partner/DH is like?

187 replies

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/11/2017 13:01

What do you do? Do you go to bed together regularly? Do you sit together in bed and read? Watch TV?

I used to stay up much later than DH and he hated it...he always wanted me to go at the same time, which I wouldn't have minded if he'd been reading or whatever but no...he just wanted company!

Anyway...years later now and it's different again. He walks the dog and I go to bed at about 11...then I go online till he comes back...then we go to sleep/cuddle whatever!

I'm happy with it but I do sometimes think I'd quite like to watch a film in bed...but he's very much disturbed by the idea and thinks the sofa is the place for that!

OP posts:

mindutopia · 27/11/2017 12:37

I should add, since someone mentioned it above, the reason we go to sleep at the same time is because I have insomnia. It's hard for me to fall asleep and stay asleep. If I get woken up after I've gone to sleep, it can take me 2 hours to fall back asleep again. We go to sleep at the same time because it's better for everyone if we get a good night's sleep. I don't want to be woken up by my dh coming to bed later (and then miss out on half a night's sleep because I can't fall back asleep) and he doesn't want to be kept up by my insomnia as I toss and turn and walk around because he's woken me and now I can't get back to sleep as it disturbs his sleep too. We have to get up early for work and the school run (5-6am depending) and neither of us wants to do that on 3 hours of sleep, so we're both happy with that arrangement. I think that's hardly 'controlling,' it's just being realistic and responsible when you have kids who need you both during the night and early in the morning and full professional lives that require being well rested. We also both get plenty of opportunities for nights out with friends or weekends away when we stay the night elsewhere and go to bed whenever we please.

Rachie1973 · 27/11/2017 12:47

roconnell
We always go to bed at the same time, it's very important, I think

Why? Curious.

Yeeeha · 27/11/2017 13:05

Those who don’t go to bed at the same time, when do you have sex?

Surely one of life’s rare free pleasures is heading to bed together for some action and intimacy before a good nights sleep?

StrawberryMummy90 · 27/11/2017 13:12

mind that’s a perfectly valid reason to sleep at the same time.

I’ve seen a few posters on this thread say they/their partner would be ‘annoyed’ if they didn’t go to bed at the same time as them, that they agreed at beginning of marriage they would sleep at the same time, that they’re asked to come up to bed when the other is going etc.

Thats’s what I find odd and yes slightly controlling. It would piss me off if my DH told me to go to bed just because he wanted me to. I’m an adult, when I go to sleep is my choice.

Original poster

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 27/11/2017 13:13

Yeeha well to be fair, DH and I always go at the same time but rarely have sex in bed. We do it in the daytime as our work is varied and quite often, we're home in an empty house together during the day.

We find it's better when we're not tired.

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 27/11/2017 13:15

Surely one of life’s rare free pleasures is heading to bed together for some action and intimacy before a good nights sleep?

That sounds like utter hell to us. I'm really impressed all you Mners have any energy after 8pm but i really don't. I'm no use to anyone. Neither is dh.

When we were first together (pre dc) we had sex a couple of times in the evening because we thought we should. Both hated it and we decided to never do it then again. And would both rather never have it again if that was the only option. I just can't imagine ever wanting tired full of dinner shagging.

We co sleep with children in separate beds and when we were expecting dc3 some people were genuinely shocked/confused and said 'how if you don't sleep together?'

roconnell · 27/11/2017 13:19

Rachie1973 because it's the only time we spend together during the week due to work and my MSc taking up my evenings. It's important because if we didn't we'd never get the chance to check in with each other and just chat. It'll probably be less important when time is less constrained in a year or so.

AnyFucker · 27/11/2017 13:30

Yeeeeha...morning sex of course

Dashper · 27/11/2017 13:31

I go up at 21.30-22.00 depending on how long I want to read for. DH plays his computer until 22.15 or so, then comes up and we try to fall asleep together at 22.30 as DS is up at 6.

Lemonnaise · 27/11/2017 13:33

Sorry but am I the only one who finds it bizarre that people agree to sleep at the same time, almost have it as a condition for their marriage?! I’m finding some of these posts really weird and quite controlling actually

Yes I agree with you. I also find the reading to each other utterly bizarre.

Lemonnaise · 27/11/2017 13:38

Those who don’t go to bed at the same time, when do you have sex?

Mornings
Days off when kids at school
Some nights when we just happen to go to bed at the same time.

Catsshoes777 · 27/11/2017 13:38

Have recently got through to DH the importance of us going to bed at the same time (ish) whenever we can.

He always gets up before me, so I'm used to waking up alone. But he'd got into the habit of falling asleep downstairs - so I was going to bed alone too.

I felt like I didn't have a DH.

I don't want us to have an enforced routine (like the poster whose XH shouted 'bedtime ' and switched the light off!!) but going up around the same time definitely helps.

Dashper · 27/11/2017 13:43

Sex- shortly after DS falls asleep generally (he's 4). I've never been keen on bedtime sex anyway.

Catsshoes777 · 27/11/2017 13:44

And just reading those posts about it being weird to insist on going up at the same time...

It's not about insisting and it doesn't have to be every night.

But for us, when it never happened it was bad for us and it didn't feel like we were as close.

Suppose it depends how much time you get as a couple during the rest of the day.

Trinity66 · 27/11/2017 13:47

We usually go to bed at the same time, unless one of us is really tired and the other isn't but generally speaking we're both really tired and dying to go to bed by 11/11:30 (during the week)

Clovertoast · 27/11/2017 13:58

Yeah having my back rubbed and being read too would cringe me out to be honest.

I go up at about 11ish after we've spent the evening together, talking , watching tv etc.
I get tired early, he doesn't. I could not bear being told when I could go to bed.
We also have seperate bedrooms as DH snores and gets up and down all night for a pee. Life and my sleep is MUCH better since we had separate rooms.
As for sex, er..... you dont just have to do it at nght...or in bed

Sallystyle · 27/11/2017 13:58

It's just something we kind of fell into. I work a very early shift once a week and on those days I go to bed before him. I also sleep out once a week at work, so we can more than manage not going to bed together.

We both genuinely do want to go to bed at the same time but we certainly don't go to sleep at the same time.

If people are insisting their partners go to bed at the same time as them every night, it might be controlling. Some people just genuinely like going to bed together though.

NootNoot · 27/11/2017 14:03

We got to bed same time (usually about 10pm as up before 6 most days),talk crap & have a cuddle for a bit. Cat finds his chosen spot for the night, normally some grumbling from OH that cat is in "his" foot space. Everyone settled, lights out & sleep.

Whinesalot · 27/11/2017 14:21

We have no routine other than it's his job to lock up and mine to sort the dishwasher out.
We go up at different times, sometimes me first, sometimes him, but quite often the other one is still awake on iPads. It varies who settles down to sleep first.

tip keep a small sidelight on for Dh and get him to use headphones. Your situation is ridiculous.

Eliza9917 · 27/11/2017 14:22

We generally go to bed about 8-9 and watch films/box sets. No children here, mind.

We more often than not occasionally eat our dinner in bed - lol, I know, we are vile - we even take the odd glass of wine or bottle of beer to bed.

In the mornings on the weekends we'll stay in bed until late, reading or just laying in and then eat breakfast in bed and then eventually get up.

Eolian · 27/11/2017 14:23

Not sure why going to bed at the same time is in any way controlling. We always go to bed at the same time, because we get up at the same time and both like to get about 8 hours' sleep. Pretty logical really, and pretty healthy to have regular sleep patterns. Neither of us is imposing it on the other in any way, it's just what we do. Both always read in bed too.

Bummybum · 27/11/2017 14:32

@Domani judgey fuckers

gamerchick · 27/11/2017 14:44

Surely one of life’s rare free pleasures is heading to bed together for some action and intimacy before a good nights sleep

No I go to bed when I’m tired, to sleep. The last thing I would want to do is get laid.

That’s what daytimes are for.

gillybeanz · 27/11/2017 14:54

I wondered why pp mentioned going to bed together as being so important.
On reflection though, if you lead busy lives and this is the only time you get together I suppose it's good that both people want to spend that time together.
I see so much of mine during the day that unless he's been particularly busy or a spell of working away then we go to bed whenever we want, together or alone.

Domani · 27/11/2017 14:59

Bummybum thanks

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