My partner is a sanctimonious knob. Discuss.

[Effemelle]

DP never does any housework. Ever.

Yes he’s the higher earner and does all the gardening and DIY and house insurance and car insurance, etc, etc. But he has never lifted a finger to clean inside our house. Maybe he did the hoovering once, if my memory serves.

He’s obsessed with the idea that chemicals in cleaning products alter our dna and are going to give us all cancer. Whenever he sees me cleaning with cleaning spray he gives me a patronising lecture about how I shouldn’t be using that, blah blah blah. He works in a scientific field and reckons he’s read research papers on it.

Tonight he saw me spraying cleaning spray on the hob, because it was dirty, because I’d cooked fucking dinner for everyone like I do every fucking night and was cleaning up on my own like I do every fucking night. (Dirty dishes left on top of the dishwasher anyone?)

I got the usual lecture about chemical sprays and joe I sprayed the hob and residue went all over the cooking utensils on the counter top and I’m going to poison us all, etc.

I just lost the plot. Who the fuck does he think he is? My dad? I’m so, so angry with his supercilious toss and even more so that he talked to me like that in front of the kids.

Im upstairs in bed. Like, super angry. More angry than I’ve ever been over the ‘chemical lextures’. He thinks I’m being unreasonable. I think if he ever touched the kitchen to do anything other than eat food other people have prepared for him in it, maybe he’d have a right to say something.

I’m so pissed if I feel like throwing something. AIBU?

"does all the gardening and DIY and house insurance and car insurance, etc, etc"

The first two are annual events !

It's time for a change OP and it's a bit like this tooth extraction. But the message needs to come across ! Just in time for xmas

Stop moaning and tell it to his face

He gets to have an opinion on cleaning products when he starts doing his share of the cooking and washing up.

^^

This and this again. Bloody hell OP. I think he's spectacularly missing the reason for your anger.

He needs to help more.

These are good eco products OP:

https://www.naturalcollection.com/shop/method/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8jbpubb1wIVxbDtCh1P9gGnEAAYASAAEgKISSDBwE

Why are you being a doormat ? Get a backbone FFS !

Stop moaning and tell it to his face

I did.

Good luck op, hope you and your H work things out some way.

If he wants it done in a certain way then he should do it himself

Ok. This is my take on the solution (please let's have some others as well that don't revolve around rational conversations or explanations because quite clearly, we are waaayyy past that point!).

I often think men like this can ONLY understand when they experience. So why not line up some experiences for him OP...

• Just leave the hob until it's really filthy (you could secretly hold back your favourite hob cleaner and just keep one ring clean so you can do basic cooking) but let the splatters and brown areas build up to never before seen levels. Remove all the other non-approved hob (and other) cleaning products to a safe and unknown to DH location that only you have access to. Wait until DH says gee, this hob's filthy. You can say oh yes it is isn't it maybe you can pop out and get a nice organic cleaner for it and let me know if it works. If he brings one home and then expects you to do it say oh no, you do it, I need to know that it meets your requirements. You have now effectively carried out what is known in hospitals as 'a handover'. Ever more this will be his job
• You're enjoying the thrill of rinsing off a plate but unlike previous times, you have a large glass of water just by the side of the draining board. He turns the water down, you chuck the glass of (cold/room temperature) water over his head and say what, like this? When he finishes spluttering you tell him every time henceforth that he comes and turns off the tap or pulls the plug out, he'll get a face full of water until he stops being so rude and condescending
• DIY. The next time he's got a fairly decent sized project on the go, wait until he's well into it (preferably up a ladder) and then go out WITHOUT the kids and have a nice afternoon shopping!

This is fairly lighthearted but I honestly think with some men, you could talk about it, rage about it eve and they would never ever get the idea of what you were saying, let alone change - which is the goal.

So do you have a cleaner?

sleep he does do household tasks though, he is doing the DIY and the gardening

I reckon just cooking and laundry for an average family probably averages out to a couple of hours a day, minimum, before you've so much as wiped a surface. People only tend to manage that much DIY or gardening when they are up to their elbows in building work. Not equivalent.

I agree with the Cillit Bang suggestion - bang and the jerk is gone.

I use a steam mop for most of my cleaning. Not because I hate chemicals but because Im a teeny bit obsessed with mine - its one of those that can be used for all sorts of stuff, windows, hobs, curtains etc

When he does the cleaning, he can choose the method.

Point him toward the microfibre (equally bad for the environment imo) and the elbow grease if he has an issue with it.

I felt strangely outraged when dh commented on my storage of new potatoes in the bottom of the fridge. He took them out and mansplained they should go in the cupboard, as it’s dark and cool. I said the Fridge was dark and cool. (The cupboard is dark but gets warm and keeps the warmth so they either go off or sprout. I pointed this out then we just moved on.) Later, I thought about it, got cross, and put them right back in the fridge, deciding that when he does the majority of the cooking and shopping, as I do, he gets to choose where the fucking potatoes go.

To be fair, I use Ecover basic spray on everything for the reasons he says, as it’s easy. I probably should just use soap as it’s cheaper. Need to go back to cotton cloths - Kim and Aggie were right on those.

Though noob has corrected me on the soap thing.

Omg he uses weed killer?! He is responsible for the death of the bees, which will single handedly wipe out the majority of the worlds crops.

(Sorry I read half the thread before getting cross and posting)

I felt strangely outraged when dh commented on my storage of new potatoes in the bottom of the fridge. He took them out and mansplained they should go in the cupboard, as it’s dark and cool. I said the Fridge was dark and cool. (The cupboard is dark but gets warm and keeps the warmth so they either go off or sprout. I pointed this out then we just moved on.) Later, I thought about it, got cross, and put them right back in the fridge, deciding that when he does the majority of the cooking and shopping, as I do, he gets to choose where the fucking potatoes go.

I hear you, my husband does exactly the same. We have a continuos silent war, both of us moving the potatoes and tomatoes around - but I always win.

Oh yeah. There’s a silent tomato war going on here also.

Tell him to go and do or update his A Level Chemistry before lecturing you. Chlorine bleach isnt that bad for you at all, or the environment. The amount we use in house is dwarved byvthe vast quantities used in pools anyway (does he like to swim on holiday?).

Ita the fragrances you can do without imo so I avoid air fresheners and the like (does he wear aftershave?).

I’ve not read the whole thread yet but why are you doing all the housework and cooking?

I would leave him.. I wouldn't stay with a man that won't wash a plate heck I would make him leave if he burped at me.. 'throw in the towel' and go get those papers cause if he didn't wash up yesterday he won't wash up tomorrow run for the hills!!

He says when I clean things like the hob I should just use soap and water
Ah, we've just been discussing this in another thread!
I don't know whether my hob is particularly "easy clean" but I never have to use anything other than washing up water to clean even baked on stuff. I just soak the cloth, lay it over the crud and it comes off easy. Personally I dislike the overuse of cleaning products so do agree with him on that score, however, he has a bloody nerve to tell you how to do the housework when he does none. Why doesn't he share the work?

The compounds within everything we use have been tested
Just out of curiousity Gingernaut do we know the accumulative long term effects in humans of these compounds though, especially when used in combination with other common household products? I wonder what happens after 5/10/20/30 years of daily useage?

the idea of spending a whole uninterrupted day painting a room while someone takes over the child wrangling and feeds me a meal every three hours sounds like bliss!
I'm assuming you've explained this all to him Effemelle?

We have a rule in the Pash household
You interfere. You volunteer
Great rule!

You interfere. You volunteer.

Splendid rule Pash.

It should be on the wall of every home.

Rainatnight

Most people's heads then. I can see that there are a few replies with sensible comments about 'chemicals', but despite them, there are still some who are banging the 'natural' and 'no chemicals' drum.

We have a continuos silent war, both of us moving the potatoes and tomatoes around - but I always win.

This silent war of vegetables and fruit of the nightshade family must be a national offensive. It happens Chez Schaden, and I have friends at various parts of the country who are engaged in similar guerrilla tactics with their DH's.

Open hostilities are rare(-ish)though.