My partner is a sanctimonious knob. Discuss.

[Effemelle]

DP never does any housework. Ever.

Yes he’s the higher earner and does all the gardening and DIY and house insurance and car insurance, etc, etc. But he has never lifted a finger to clean inside our house. Maybe he did the hoovering once, if my memory serves.

He’s obsessed with the idea that chemicals in cleaning products alter our dna and are going to give us all cancer. Whenever he sees me cleaning with cleaning spray he gives me a patronising lecture about how I shouldn’t be using that, blah blah blah. He works in a scientific field and reckons he’s read research papers on it.

Tonight he saw me spraying cleaning spray on the hob, because it was dirty, because I’d cooked fucking dinner for everyone like I do every fucking night and was cleaning up on my own like I do every fucking night. (Dirty dishes left on top of the dishwasher anyone?)

I got the usual lecture about chemical sprays and joe I sprayed the hob and residue went all over the cooking utensils on the counter top and I’m going to poison us all, etc.

I just lost the plot. Who the fuck does he think he is? My dad? I’m so, so angry with his supercilious toss and even more so that he talked to me like that in front of the kids.

Im upstairs in bed. Like, super angry. More angry than I’ve ever been over the ‘chemical lextures’. He thinks I’m being unreasonable. I think if he ever touched the kitchen to do anything other than eat food other people have prepared for him in it, maybe he’d have a right to say something.

I’m so pissed if I feel like throwing something. AIBU?

Tell him if he wants you to stop using the nasty chemicals, he can do a nice little research project. He can clean the hob for the next month, usung a different benign cleaning product each time, and give each marks out of 10.

WTH??...if he wants you to use this special chemical free malarky then
He can

1. buy it.. you know men can shop too...shocking .. for sausage sake
2. Help to clean up... because he makes mess like any other human

You can

1. Throw something @ his head..or just think about it and think nah
2. Cuss his arse...I mean do it properly tell him how he makes you feel fully

He is Knob...but many people are...you have to tell him... it's reality

YANBU

He’s a wanker. I’d stop cooking his dinner and doing his laundry etc. Needs teaching a lesson.

I would tell him I am trying to fucking poison him and it clearly isn't working as he's still there being a twat.

This!!

He would be having a flash based beard shower if it was me. This is probably why I'm single - I can't be doing with that kind of crap. He does the car and house insurance?? Big woop.

"does all the gardening and DIY and house insurance and car insurance, etc, etc"

would not even remotely be the same time as cooking and cleaning. not even close.

cripes car insurance is a renewal once a year.

Don’t clean ever again.

I would tell him I am trying to fucking poison him and it clearly isn't working as he's still there being a twat.

This!!

What is his justification for never doing any cleaning himself?

Broken record time, I think. Whenever he starts to lecture you:

”When you are doing your fair share of the housework, you will get an opinion on how best to do it. Until then, I will not be taking any more lectures from someone who can’t actually DO the thing he’s lecturing me about!” - using a calm, bored tone.

Or get rid of the useless, sanctimonious arse.

Who gives a shit if he is a high earner? He is a wanker.

The better way to clean would be for him to do it.

i do all the housework in my house my partner is the higher earner but he dare not complain about how i clean as he knows not only would he get a gob full back from me but he would soon find himself living in a not so clean house, or would find his wardrobe full of dirty unironed clothes and he has a public facing job, mind you i dont tend to use spray cleaners for everything as i find them overpowering and washing up liquid in hot water cleans most everyday dirt off surfaces in a kitchen

Well I feel livid just reading your OP and I don't even know you. I'm not surprised you're spitting feathers.

All you can do is look at the bigger picture. Is he generally a good guy (housework tossery aside)? Do you ever enjoy his company? Or is he just a constant source of irritation?

"He works in a scientific field and reckons he’s read research papers on it."
Does he make the coffee? The evidence he's talking about is weak as hell. Lot's of things have some evidence that they might, theoretically, slightly increases cancer risk. If he eats sausages he's probably putting himself at more risk.

Back to the point......

You problem isn't that your husband has strong views- I'd rather have a passionate partner than a boring one. Your problem is that neither you or DP respect you. If DW says one of my little rants is dickish, it doesn't get rolled out again; because I actually care how she feels. I think it's a bit unrealistic to expect DP to respect and value you, until you can manage it yourself.

Decide what you want to happen, plan how to explain your feelings clearly and forcefully, make a fair schedule of chores, and then enforce it. Be willing to have a row and insist that your opinion is valued. Either that, or say nothing for an easy life and wealthy partner.

Yep he’s an idiot.

Not the most helpful answer but I’d be very tempted to fill the whole house with plug in air fresheners and spritz his pillow with febreeze, followed by bleaching every single item in your home.

Just tell him that cillit bang is easier to get hold of than cyanide and that you're hoping it works on him soon.

In the early days of our marriage dh moaned that when I washed his clothes my (then very long) hair got on his clothes.

I have recently started washing his clothes again.

In other news - has anyone got any suggestions for what to do for our 20th wedding anniversary that is coming up soon?

I would have thrown the fucking cleaning stuff at him. Knob.

He should definitely be able to do it.

Yanbu, they need to start helping out. My DH is a high earner (I suppose, depends whatcha mean) and i don’t work. But he still has arms and helps with the post dinner clean up. If he’s got to do something (work) I tell him not to worry, but he only doesn’t help when I say its ok. He always assumes he’s helping.

If he objects to how you clean he can clean it himself. My husband is obsessed with how the dishwasher is packed, if he starts re-organising dishes I let him get on with it. If he just stood there moaning about it, I’d suggest he do it so it meets the standard he is expecting. It makes no sense for you to get dumped with everything, if everyone helps you can get everything done in ten minutes and have a nice evening together.

You sound like this has been building up and he sounds annoying. Put your foot down, you aren’t a skivvy. And he can learn how to cook.

hugs, you sound really upset, your reaction was totally understandable xx

Hmm... this is a difficult one. I actually agree with your DH with regard to cleaning materials generally being bad for our health and the environment. There are alternatives but I'm in a different country to you so pointless recommend them.

Maybe your DH could take this on as a research project?

Utterly unoriginal

www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/organising-and-planning/the-complete-wedding-anniversary-guide_850.htm

thenightsky

What a tosser.

My higher earning late DH did all the food shopping and cooking, handled all finances and planned the holidays. I did cleaning and laundry, but only ironed my stuff. We shared DIY and gardening.

I'll get to the point in a minute: when I had to go back to the UK for a week, he made sure the house was up to standard on my return. He rated cleaning as the most soul-sapping bloody hard work going.

Get your ingrate DH a big cask of white vinegar and a bag of bicarb of soda, and tell him to get on with it.