My partner is a sanctimonious knob. Discuss.

[Effemelle]

DP never does any housework. Ever.

Yes he’s the higher earner and does all the gardening and DIY and house insurance and car insurance, etc, etc. But he has never lifted a finger to clean inside our house. Maybe he did the hoovering once, if my memory serves.

He’s obsessed with the idea that chemicals in cleaning products alter our dna and are going to give us all cancer. Whenever he sees me cleaning with cleaning spray he gives me a patronising lecture about how I shouldn’t be using that, blah blah blah. He works in a scientific field and reckons he’s read research papers on it.

Tonight he saw me spraying cleaning spray on the hob, because it was dirty, because I’d cooked fucking dinner for everyone like I do every fucking night and was cleaning up on my own like I do every fucking night. (Dirty dishes left on top of the dishwasher anyone?)

I got the usual lecture about chemical sprays and joe I sprayed the hob and residue went all over the cooking utensils on the counter top and I’m going to poison us all, etc.

I just lost the plot. Who the fuck does he think he is? My dad? I’m so, so angry with his supercilious toss and even more so that he talked to me like that in front of the kids.

Im upstairs in bed. Like, super angry. More angry than I’ve ever been over the ‘chemical lextures’. He thinks I’m being unreasonable. I think if he ever touched the kitchen to do anything other than eat food other people have prepared for him in it, maybe he’d have a right to say something.

I’m so pissed if I feel like throwing something. AIBU?

There would be no need for him to hector and lecture if she did an easy thing to make him feel better though?

Does the OP have an objection to chemical free cleaning that trumps his preference?

my occasionally sanctimonious knob of a DH briefly glanced over at the screen, noted the thread title and mention of never doing any housework, etc., then asked in an accusatory tone ''Did YOU write this post??!'

All I can say it - the cap must fit!

Maybe you should swap his mouthwash for zoflora.

And the difference is if you say "could you use different/no chemicals, here what do you think to this I bought.." that is fine and the normal way of relating to anyone. If you say "ugh! I cant believe you are usjng that poison, stop it now ! Dont clean wih those sprays!" Well that is not ok at all n
Because it sounds like he is he boss of you, and also if he is that bothered he should be doing it himself.

Always be very wary of the person who has a righteous opinion on how other people do stuff, while refuaing to do the ahit jobs themselves.

Templeton did you actually read the OP or are you the OP's husband?

We have a rule in the Pash household

You interfere. You volunteer.

We have both fallen foul of the other at various times. I have been left with several loads of washing (not usually my job) and not so DH (at the time) has been left with piles of puke on the sofa and carpet from 3 puking kids.

If one of us attempts to give the other a lecture then Tools are downed and no more is done. The other must finish if they want the job doing. Only took me a few instances of this to remind him to STFU.

Your DH is a disrespectful cock.

Mine has form for treating me like a dumb apprentice despite me being the vastly higher earner. (And frankly, I am cleverer than him too, as he will freely admit) It is a work in progress and he is slowly learning by application of the above method.

...and templeton. It's not just a matter of swapping to a different brand, the so called eco cleaners are no way near as effective as those with stronger chemicals in them, so the OP will have to work much harder to achieve the same result. Swapping will make work for her but not for him.

And yet he feels it's ok to use garden chemicals to save himself some work.

( and I'm an ex scientist and I use household chemicals but not garden chemicals as I think the cost/harm/benefits ratio is far worse for the garden stuff than the household stuff)

I would tell him I am trying to fucking poison him and it clearly isn't working as he's still there being a twat.

yes he's a higher earner
I'm not sure how income is in anyway relivent to the problem??
Get a cleaner and buy the Eco products
When the cleaner is there use that time to get some marriage counselling
I would decant hardcore hob cleaner in to Eco bottles?

There would be no need for him to hector and lecture if she did an easy thing to make him feel better though?

He has no RIGHT to lecture and hector her on how she performs domestic duties he's too idle to share!

You think not getting those chores done to his precise specifications creates a need to treat his partner like dirt? And that's her responsibility, too? He's more than allowed to make a friendly suggestion, of course she is. But she's rejected it as not what she wants to do - as has he, when it comes to his own chores and lifestyle! That's her right, because she's the one doing the work! He won't let it drop, and speaks to her disrespectfully. He leans over her shoulder when she rinses cutlery so he can put the plug in, while lecturing her on the washing up he never, ever does? And that's okay, too?

Are you really into submission or something? I mean, if that spices up your marriage then fabulous, but it doesn't suit everyone.

I can’t imagine a situation where either one of us would give a shit how the other cleans. There is the occasion where I will say”really dont use glass cleaner on the hob “ but honestly I don’t care,it’s no biggie. And never has my husband either noticed how I clean or commented.

Your husband is a controlling knob. Honestly, this wouldn’t sit well with me, it would be a conversation we had once and he’d be fully aware if we had it a second time the relationship would be over and he’d think twice before going there.

My question would be,,,why does he think it’s ok to have this conversation with you?

We have a rule in the Pash household

You interfere. You volunteer.

OP, you should get a sign made up to hang in the kitchen. I bet he'd pipe down sharpish with that as a consequence!

yes he drives a diesel. And to whoever asked if he uses weed killer on the garden, yes he does. Really toxic shit too now I think of it.

Oh dear.

I think he needs this:

You interfere. You volunteer.

This is what you need to tell him. And then hand him the vinegar/ green scrubber and fuck off out for a walk, leaving your phone behind. And let him sort out the kitchen and the kids while you are gone.

And if he's really hell bent on getting rid of those nasty chemicals in your household, make sure you start with his shed. He can lead by example. And when he's nailed it outdoors, and is happy to pull up weeds in the drive by hand, then he can lecture the rest of the family. But make it a fair playing field. Start your chemical-free lives in the spring.

You'll also need to get rid of his deodorant, aftershave, shower gel, and laundry powder that you use for his clothes. Wearing greying shirts should soon sort him out.

I think you may be married to my stbx. Always took on the tasks that left him soothingly alone and seemingly needing to be serviced - passing tools, making cups of coffee - while my endless round of cooking shopping cleaning and kid care slid by unnoticed, except when he wanted to rant and lecture about how many times he's told me not to do this that or the other, according to whatever fad he'd read about that day. Strangely enough his snoring, moaning and shouting did not compensate and he is now an ex, baffled as to why I "can't cope with relationships". The joy and peace of being free of him is indescribable!

He's right though. I totally understand your anger OP. But he's right.

I only use safe cleaning things. Natural based stuff. Yes it's a bit more work but at least I know I'm safe.

Also, if my DH used chemicals in and around our house whilst he did DIY I'd fucking say something too! It's about common sense. Why inhale those toxic chemicals?

How bad is bleach? I use mostly eco and organic stuff to clean, but every so often I like a good dose of bleach. Misses point of the thread

Salmon anything that smells like that is bad for you. It's thought to be especially bad for people with asthma. It irritates the lining of your lungs and eyes.

"You interfere, you volunteer" is a great mantra. I am soon going to adopt that (and could fall foul of it myself too, I am aware of that).

You should too, OP.

My DH does occasionally get bees in his bonnet, but generally hardly pursues them. Yours sounds patronising, and hard work at times too.

Motoko It didn't go over everyone's heads

OP - do you have a cleaner? It sounds like you're doing a lot of housework. My own hob is sitting uncleaned right this minute cos the cleaner is coming tomorrow (and we're all ill and haven't been sleeping and yaddeh yaddeh). If you tell me he won't pay for one, I'll smash a window.

Also, can you fight fire with fire? If he's so hung up on science, can you do your own research (or take up the toxicologist's excellent offer upthread) and sit him down for a full rebuttal?

The chemicals and cleaning thing is a red herring.

He straight up sees you as a lesser being than him, in need of educating and because of what he percieves as your ineffectuality he’ll have to sometimes and a job away from you as you can’t do it right.

Also you couldn’t possibly be trusted with DIY as you’d do it wrong and it’d also take you away from what your role actually is which is 100% 24/7 mother with no let up from that role.

May I hazard a guess that you may have once been in a successful role and are now a SAHM? And before children a confident, strong and outgoing individual with a successful independent life and this is what attracted DH to you?

I only ask as my XH sounds a bit like your DH and tried to snuff out all that was attractive to him in the first place. One of the things that killed my marriage was him lecturing me about Ecover when

a) he had an actual real life OCD but wouldn’t address it

b) I did 5 years at university for fucks sake

Why does higher earner equal no housework?

I’m the higher earner it doesn’t mean my sah husband is a lesser being only worthy of cleaning up after everyone. Yes he does more than me but I do 50% when I’m home.

How do single people cook and clean? They are the only earners. Single parents?

I think relationships are about choosing to share your one and only life with someone. Mutual respect, kindness are critical.

Because he earns more per hour he gets his wife to work harder at home wtf?

Showmetheelf I would also like to see the list of chemicals. I'm an ex-chemist and I can't think of what cleaning products would have long term effects - there's plenty of irritants and corrosives but if you wear rubber gloves and don't pour litres of the stuff around while inhaling deeply then you'll be fine. Largely. Elf will know.

Why don't the two of you swap?

You earn more, do the gardening and DIY and he'll do your jobs.