My partner is a sanctimonious knob. Discuss.

[Effemelle]

DP never does any housework. Ever.

Yes he’s the higher earner and does all the gardening and DIY and house insurance and car insurance, etc, etc. But he has never lifted a finger to clean inside our house. Maybe he did the hoovering once, if my memory serves.

He’s obsessed with the idea that chemicals in cleaning products alter our dna and are going to give us all cancer. Whenever he sees me cleaning with cleaning spray he gives me a patronising lecture about how I shouldn’t be using that, blah blah blah. He works in a scientific field and reckons he’s read research papers on it.

Tonight he saw me spraying cleaning spray on the hob, because it was dirty, because I’d cooked fucking dinner for everyone like I do every fucking night and was cleaning up on my own like I do every fucking night. (Dirty dishes left on top of the dishwasher anyone?)

I got the usual lecture about chemical sprays and joe I sprayed the hob and residue went all over the cooking utensils on the counter top and I’m going to poison us all, etc.

I just lost the plot. Who the fuck does he think he is? My dad? I’m so, so angry with his supercilious toss and even more so that he talked to me like that in front of the kids.

Im upstairs in bed. Like, super angry. More angry than I’ve ever been over the ‘chemical lextures’. He thinks I’m being unreasonable. I think if he ever touched the kitchen to do anything other than eat food other people have prepared for him in it, maybe he’d have a right to say something.

I’m so pissed if I feel like throwing something. AIBU?

Maybe you could point out the danger of dihydrogen monoxide to him. One of the most dangerous chemicals in the world and present in almost all food items.The whole 'zomg chemikillz' toss grinds my gears, everything's a fucking chemical and a scientist should know better.

I think that went over everyones' head, but I agree with you.

I would have sprayed him with it. Rubbed it in his hair, even. Insurance takes twenty minutes once a year, bollocks to that being any kind of fair exchange.

I'm really sensitive to household chemicals and concerned about the environment. However if your DP had ever tired ecofriendly cleaners, lavender, vinegar etc - it doesn't bloody work.

The things that get a work surface or an oven or a loo clean most thoroughly and quickly are the cleaners that have been developed to do this.

If he wants to spend his weekend with bicarb of soda and a toothbrush having a go at the hob - good luck to him.

sleep he does do household tasks though, he is doing the DIY and the gardening,

And if she was here posting that he just wouldn't listen as she carefully explained to him what paints he should be using, and why won't he just listen to her research, and that he is being idiotic and stubborn in continuing to do things his way, you'd be sympathetic, would you? Think he must hate her if he's so unwilling to just go with her reasonable requests?

She's also said she has to look after the kids while he does 'his' chores. You think he wrangles them for her while she does the housework? Because she's mentioning looking after the kids and feeding him regularly, alongside. And that she'd far rather do his contributions than her own - who wouldn't? DIY is way more fun than scrubbing loos, especially if you have to occupy young kids at the same time!

and presumably when he expressed his preference for chemical free cleaning it was a reasonable request.

whenever he sees me cleaning with cleaning spray he gives me a patronising lecture about how I shouldn’t be using that, blah blah blah.

I’m so, so angry with his supercilious toss and even more so that he talked to me like that in front of the kids.

Why are you ignoring what the OP is saying about her life, in favour of your own version? She was there. I'm going to go with the probability that she knows what happened better than you do - no?

Cleaning wise, dh's "thing" is to come up when I'm washing up and turn down the hot water

Omg he does this too! If I’m rinsing something under the hot tap, he’ll come up behind me and put the plug in the sink and wang on about wasting water. You’d think I was doing the equivalent of running and emptying a bath but actually I’m just rinsing off a saucepan and wooden spoon.

And to whoever asked if he drives a car, yes he drives a diesel. And to whoever asked if he uses weed killer on the garden, yes he does. Really toxic shit too now I think of it.

And to whoever said he’s criticising me like an employee for doing a task wrong that he wouldn’t even deign to do himself, that’s exactly it. Nail on head.

He’s never once in the history of us living here cleaned the hob. Because it’s a shit job and he can’t be arsed so it’s off his radar. So that leaves me having to do it. Or cook on a crusty minging hob, because he never cooks either. Yet suddenly when I’m the one doing it, he decides to have a fucking opinion about it.

WHY didn't you spray him in the face? His changed DNA might have turned him into a nicer man! I'm thinking you tell him to buy whatever (fucking useless) enviro cleaner he likes and get cracking on cleaning the house.

Tell him no more power tools for the DIY or gardening. So no lawnmower, no strimmer, no drill. He can do it the hard way. All of those power tools are too dangerous, you’ve read RoSPA reports about them. Plus they use electricity, and that’s just as bad for the environment as cleaning products.

Get an induction hob. Make him sort it out.

Maybe you could point out the danger of dihydrogen monoxide to him. One of the most dangerous chemicals in the world and present in almost all food items.The whole 'zomg chemikillz' toss grinds my gears, everything's a fucking chemical and a scientist should know better.

To an extent I agree with you - I mean, botulism is all natural, and I once read someone flipping out about citric acid being in a soap, because OMG AN ACID! But at the same time, I don't think it's terribly deniable that bleach is going to be more harmful to you than bicarb and vinegar are. It's not that they are chemicals. Everything's a chemical, literally speaking. But it's used, now, as a shorthand for domestic products that may have corrosive or toxic effects, not as a scientific definition. It's a good thing to try to reduce pouring crap down the drains, if it comes with a warning on that it harms aquatic life, surely?

None of that matters, though, if the OP is being treated as someone with no say in how she spends her own time.

So what are you gonna do?????

Tomorrow, don't cook him any dinner. When he asks why, tell him it was cooked and served in pans and plates that were washed in chemicals. And don't wash any of his clothes, cos he doesn't want chemicals on his clothes, does he?

Tosser.

I am fortunate In that I have a high tolerance for dirt and mess, so if DH tried to criticise my cleaning I would just not clean. He earns approximately 7 times what I do - that doesn’t mean I have to spend more time cleaning. However if wouldn’t bother me to use “eco” products if that was something he felt strongly about.

She's also said she has to look after the kids while he does 'his' chores. You think he wrangles them for her while she does the housework?

This is such a good point. When I do all my chores I always have at least one child hanging off me. Normally two, often three.

All of his chores he does completely unencumbered. It’s likr he’s deliberately picked all the ones where kids have to be positively out of the way. Like lawn mowing or wood chopping or fixing electrics or whatever.

By default I do all the shit jobs and get whined at by children (and patronised by a man) into the bargain.

And to whoever asked if he drives a car, yes he drives a diesel. And to whoever asked if he uses weed killer on the garden, yes he does. Really toxic shit too now I think of it.

I think you need to do a little research into green building. And then organic gardening. And then on diesel emissions. And then start nagging him on it all.

OP I'm a Toxicologist. pm me what the ingredients are of what you are using and what he would prefer and I'll do you an unbiased comparison. He may be right....he may be wrong....to (slightly) misquote John Lydon .
Either way, he should not criticise you in front of offspring...and by the way, I do use 'chemicals'......ones which break down into harmless components on contact with organic material....I suspect that you do the same but will withhold judgement until I've seen your list.

Unless he eats only organic food, gardens organically, does DIY jobs without sandpaper, paint stripper, wallpaper paste, emulsion, gloss etc, runs his car on fairy dust, doesn't drink anything and never uses soap, deodorant, shampoo or aftershave then he's being a hypocrite.

Go on strike.

I never use bleach btw. Hate it. This was just some multi purpose spray from Waitrose.

And also, because I hate cleaning, I do the bare minimum anyway. It’s hardly as if I’m rinsing the house in zoflora twice a day.

The research on bleach was not for regular domestic users but for people with hifh levels of occupational exposure, IIRC. Happy to be corrected.

Dh has tried this shizzle in the past. I told him to stop being so ridiculous. He has also tried to prevent me cooking in scratched teflon pans and replaced them all with aluminium shitty things that everyrhing sticks to. I should have clanged his bollocks between the crapola pans, thatd have learnt him.

As for simply having to 'ask' your DH to do the housework/more cleaning/ get off his arse as the poor love hasnt realised that stuff needs doing.... mwahhahaha. Who made the female half of hetero partnerships the task master of all things domestic? I wont be writing crib sheets or prompting another grown human to do their share. If they bail out they can pay for a naked male cleaner to come and clean for us twice a week.

IncidentaIly, I once sprayed DH with the evil chemicals onto his jeans (no bleach and in fact it was the method stuff hahaha) and he went postal. Total sense of humour failure.

Does he understand that he's not in charge?

i mean really and truly understand?

It’s pretty likely he’s using something on his own body that equally has carcinogens in it. Do some label research on his deodorant, hair products, toothpaste etc and point out his hypocrisy. He’ll love that, it’ll surely give you a break from lectures for a while. Use that break to write up the new household task rules.

And while you’re at it, find a non carcinogen spray cleaner. I’d be rather if someone insisted on covering my home in chemicals when there are now so many (reasonably priced,better smelling,widely available) alternatives.

You both sound stuck in ruts, you both sold the key to solutions. Come to a deal about what you buy to clean with, and who wields the dishcloth.

Thefact he is being so aware abiut the danger if chemicals ONLY o the ime subject he isnt involved him makes him an even bigger knob tbh.

Showmetheelf at the risk of hijacking the OP's post (sorry, sorry, OP - as you hopefully see, I am with you all the way) would you be willing to post on chat with a list of decent products, and steer people a little? I don't know enough to know which to use, but I'd really appreciate some help from someone who does.

Yea, if I said to my husband can you not spray chemicals on the garden because I don’t think they’re good for the environment he would say sure, we can use an alternative. But maybe working together is exceptional rather than the norm.

I think the OP has bigger problems with her H though, he sounds like he isn’t doing his fair share.

Thefact he is being so aware abiut the danger if chemicals ONLY o the ime subject he isnt involved him makes him an even bigger knob tbh.

Yep. All about the pure as long as it doesn't actually mean he has to do anything. So hypocritical. He's the Josh Duggar of the environment!

Yea, if I said to my husband can you not spray chemicals on the garden because I don’t think they’re good for the environment he would say sure, we can use an alternative. But maybe working together is exceptional rather than the norm.

Sure, but that isn't what he's done, is it? You wouldn't hector and lecture, and literally lean over his shoulder to change what he is doing while lecturing him on his wastefulness and lack of care! And no, I think that is the norm, which is why I am so irritated for the OP.

There are several levels of seeming disrespect, here. I agree polite communication is how to fix things, but she needs to vent and talk it through to establish what she wants to change, and how to counter the inevitable defence to a status quo that sounds really favourable to him. It’s likr he’s deliberately picked all the ones where kids have to be positively out of the way. OP, I just read that to my own husband and he started to laugh. "It's not LIKE he's done that. He HAS done that!" Honestly, if we could get away with it, who wouldn't?

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