My partner is a sanctimonious knob. Discuss.

[Effemelle]

DP never does any housework. Ever.

Yes he’s the higher earner and does all the gardening and DIY and house insurance and car insurance, etc, etc. But he has never lifted a finger to clean inside our house. Maybe he did the hoovering once, if my memory serves.

He’s obsessed with the idea that chemicals in cleaning products alter our dna and are going to give us all cancer. Whenever he sees me cleaning with cleaning spray he gives me a patronising lecture about how I shouldn’t be using that, blah blah blah. He works in a scientific field and reckons he’s read research papers on it.

Tonight he saw me spraying cleaning spray on the hob, because it was dirty, because I’d cooked fucking dinner for everyone like I do every fucking night and was cleaning up on my own like I do every fucking night. (Dirty dishes left on top of the dishwasher anyone?)

I got the usual lecture about chemical sprays and joe I sprayed the hob and residue went all over the cooking utensils on the counter top and I’m going to poison us all, etc.

I just lost the plot. Who the fuck does he think he is? My dad? I’m so, so angry with his supercilious toss and even more so that he talked to me like that in front of the kids.

Im upstairs in bed. Like, super angry. More angry than I’ve ever been over the ‘chemical lextures’. He thinks I’m being unreasonable. I think if he ever touched the kitchen to do anything other than eat food other people have prepared for him in it, maybe he’d have a right to say something.

I’m so pissed if I feel like throwing something. AIBU?

Spray him with Cilit Bang.

Oops - misread this at Clit Bang and was wondering where I could buy some

Can you get some method. It sounds like you’re passive aggressively cleaning with bleach products because you don’t want to do the cleaning.

He sounds like he is hard work, but also it would be really easy to just buy some method or some natural cleaning product and then he wouldn’t be wound up.

Wanting him to do some cleaning is a different thing than him not wanting you to use chemicals.

As someone from a chemistry background, he's talking bollocks.

The compounds within everything we use have been tested using the somewhat horrifying LD50 method.

Everything is deadly, but dosage is everything.

The relatively low concentrations of chemicals used in most of the detergents and cleaning products we buy are not at deadly doses.

Unless he's prepared to do the cleaning himself, with just water, bicarb and vinegar, you'll use whatever works.

Sorry. Description of LD50 tests.

www.biology-pages.info/L/LD50.html

He is a good guy. Very hands on dad. Will work from home at short notice if one of the kids needs taking to the docs or I have a big meeting or something.

He’s just being a knob in this regard.

He’s done loads and loads of work on our house to make it look nice (it was a fixer upper) but that’s another thing that pisses me off. While he’s single handedly renovating our home, I’m stuck with all the same shitwork looking after our three kids. I’d actually prefer to do the DIY stuff. On the occasions I’ve started a DIY project on my own initiative, the second I’ve asked for his help (need him to do heavy lifting or something) he takes over. Which sounds mean, because in his head he’s doing what I want to make me happy. But the idea of spending a whole uninterrupted day painting a room while someone takes over the child wrangling and feeds me a meal every three hours sounds like bliss!

"He can’t ever suggest a better way of doing something to me because I go on the attack apparently.

Whenever I suggest a better way of doing something to him, he takes it on board and follows my advice. But when he suggests it to me, well, then I can’t take any criticism from him and always go nuts."

Well you have gone nuts, look at your first post. And you keep doing something he believes to be harmful despite his asking you not to. And in fact he's right.

I think if he ever touched the kitchen to do anything other than eat food other people have prepared for him in it, maybe he’d have a right to say something.

This. He gets to criticise the how when he's preapred to do it.

Also, ask him to cite references for the dangers. Name of paper and authors, or else it's another assertion made without proof that can be dismissed without proof.
What a dick.

I was married to an arrogant cock like this.

Note...WAS....

And in fact he's right.

Yeah, no, he's not.

Sounds like bollocks. I sympathise, my fiance is a SCIENTIST (TM) and on basic science common sense flies out of the bloody window. Which is why he broke two lasagne dishes (one mine, one belonged to his friend) when using them to cook roast potatoes. Because he heated the oil in the dish on the gas hob and was surprised when it shattered. His excuse was that he uses ceramic all the time in his lab and it has excellent heat resistant properties and the lasagne dish is pottery and pottery is ceramic blah blah blah. Yes, but not like that love.

And you keep doing something he believes to be harmful despite his asking you not to

Ok, I'll bite....

If he was that concerned then he would go to the shops and buy an approved product and do the cleaning himself.

if hes so botherd why not do it himself end of convo and walk away

Buy him his own cooking utensils and chemical-free cleaning materials (I don't know . . . a handful of sterilised sand or something). Let him cook and clean for himself.

Tell the kids they can choose who they have cook for them, but if they want you to do it, they can put their plates and cutlery in the dishwasher after they have finished.

You are right - he is a sanctimonious knob.

Omg op your latest post is my life entirely! (Apart from the number of kids)

We have had SO many arguments about this!

Cleaning wise, dh's "thing" is to come up when I'm washing up and turn down the hot water.

I also struggle to take criticism and tend to go nuts. But I wouldn't say my DH takes on board my remarks either, he just ignores them.

I can never read Cillit Bang without reading it as something else. In fact I'm embarrassed to have it in the house.

OP you need to sort The Chat.

Work out the hours you each do on the home- his chores and yours. Girl chores and boy chores. If he doesn't do his share, ask him to do more.

If he moans about the risks of cleaning stuff, spend some of his high earnings on something like Method which are ecologically ok, supposedly.

Will work from home at short notice if one of the kids needs taking to the docs or I have a big meeting or something He's supposed to do that.

But the idea of spending a whole uninterrupted day painting a room while someone takes over the child wrangling and feeds me a meal every three hours sounds like bliss

Just do it. If there's nothing to do in the house, go out. While all the DIY is fab, you work is infinitely more demanding; since when did a drill talk back/need its bum wiped?

Mistress " .. for sausage sake"

Was that autocorrect?

Steam's a great cleaner, you do need a really good steamer though, tell him to buy one and put it through its paces.

Get him to demonstrate how the steam can clean and sanitise. There's a knack to getting grot off hobs and not spraying it elsewhere, but i'm sure he'll manage to catch the spray on a microfibre cloth just like the rest of us.

He may be so enamoured with it that he'll blitz the whole house with it, thereby satisfying his principles and doing some of his share of the housework as well.

And he may also want to write a research paper on it as well.

Win Win.

@Effemelle YANBU!

It might make you giggle to know that my occasionally sanctimonious knob of a DH briefly glanced over at the screen, noted the thread title and mention of never doing any housework, etc., then asked in an accusatory tone ''Did YOU write this post??!' Hahahha, NOPE, but I easily could have!

Your DP may have won this particular battle, but my money's on you eventually winning this cleaning war! Not sure how, but I'm sure that you will

I don’t know why so many people seem to hate their OH’s, if mine asked me to stop using chemicals to clean the kitchen in our house I would say ok. I wouldn’t start a war over it?! It’s so simple to comply with his reasonable request.

Sounds to me as though he uses the diy to avoid his share of cleaning. I would be having that.

I'd play dumb, tell him that you agree but can't possibly think of alternative products and that as he is the expert you'll be leaving all of the cleaning in his capable hands!

I’d also comply and stop using chemicals, I’d ask for his recommendation on which soap to use. Then I’d buy the different options along with some new cloths and wrap them up for Xmas.

Then do no more cleaning in the kitchen

OP I share your pain. I'm exhausted today after having grandkids for 24 hours so the DDs cooked and I've just walked straight back out of the kitchen. As the dishwasher door is shut they've all decided not to brave looking in it and have stacked their shit all over the worktops and on top of it. I'm too fecking furious to talk to any of them .

Templeton But he's not even asking, he's being patronising, rude and ridiculous. Personally I'd drown him in a vat of zoflora but I have an extremely low tolerance for that kind of behavior.