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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

542 replies

Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:01

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
MarmiteandToast · 26/11/2017 14:35

Bitclueless - it might be if you live near the OP you could have him to your's first? Bit of a long shot but you never know, I PMed someone on a different forum the other day and they lived really near me!

Bitclueless211 · 26/11/2017 14:41

Tiny, We don't know anything about this man and why he doesn't feel able to spend Christmas with his family this year and will be spending the day on his own otherwise.
Catering for one more when you already have a houseful really isn't a big deal. The more people there, the more people to muck in with the washing up etc.
It's Christmas, I would not enjoy my christmas dinner with my family knowing that my boyfriend's friend was sat at home alone having a meal for one.

WitchesHatRim · 26/11/2017 16:12

That poor man has family and other options but chose not the go to them

Glad you know all about his family Hmm

HandbagKrabby · 26/11/2017 16:53

There’s something really distasteful about posters trying to tug heartstrings about some ‘poor man’ being on his own at Christmas. For all we know he's a massive arse who has outstayed his welcome with family.

I wouldn’t want a drinking buddy that I don’t know well around a quiet close family Christmas- it just doesn’t work.

RhiannonOHara · 26/11/2017 16:59

The more people there, the more people to muck in with the washing up etc.

The OP says he's been before and didn't lift a finger to help.

WitchesHatRim · 26/11/2017 17:21

For all we know he's a massive arse who has outstayed his welcome with family.

For all we know he could be lovely and his family so bad he is LC or NC with the lot if them...

MinervaSaidThar · 26/11/2017 17:55

For all we know he could be lovely and his family so bad he is LC or NC with the lot if them...

A lovely man who doesn't even bother saying thank you for his meal? Or asking his friend if he's sure his wife wants him at Xmas?

I don't think so.

And I think OP would know from her H if he was NC with his family.

WitchesHatRim · 26/11/2017 18:35

Or asking his friend if he's sure his wife wants him at Xmas

Her DH asked him? Is he supposed to ask if every other attendee is happy with him coming? Hmm

If I was invited somewhere I would assume everyone was ok with it.

Why is the friend getting a load of shit when it's the DH who messed up by not asking OP first!

WitchesHatRim · 26/11/2017 18:36

And I think OP would know from her H if he was NC with his family.

Why? My DH is LC with some of his. The wider world doesn't know about it.

noeffingidea · 26/11/2017 18:46

After all he's still going to be sitting on his own all day
Oh no how tragic. How about he goes to the pub, goes out for a walk, goes online for a chat, visits his own family or just finds something to occupy himself until he can go to the OP's for christmas tea.
diamongirlz you're not actually on your own if you're with your fiance, are you?
As for the rest of your post about christmas day on your own being the 'saddest darkest day*, do you not think you might possibly be getting the whole christmas thing a little bit out of proportion?

ilovegin112 · 26/11/2017 20:17

Op doesn’t like him because as she said he doesn’t put his knife and fork together

muthafuzza · 26/11/2017 21:22

Well yeah it's kinda unreasonable but then I find Xmas on general unreasonable. Reason is not what Xmas is about apparently. Maybe your husband would like his friend there and would like to offer him his hospitality, which is fine it's his house and his Christmas too! But if your husband is just expecting you to do all the work and him as his buddy sit and watch te game then I would be pissed off. Xmas is a lot of work!! And there are millions alone for Xmas, if he doesn't want to be alone he could volunteer at a homeless shelter and help less fortunate people. Or find an elderly neighbour to share Xmas with. Unless he's suicidal I don't think you should feel bad leaving him to sort out his own Christmas. There are so many single people who get together and do things for Xmas.
But yeah you might be being a bit mean to your husband since you are inviting your sister and all it seems only fair he can invite his friend, so long as he pitches in with hosting and things!

InSearchOfAPear · 27/11/2017 18:51

I think you summed it up quite nicely when you said... I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. I think you should smile, and try to enjoy the day knowing you have done something nice for someone else. You, your sister and family might enjoy it, plus you're making DH happy too which has to be a good thing?

YouTheCat · 27/11/2017 19:39

Insearch, the point is the sis and bil (who were invited first after discussing it with dh) will find it tense and it would spoil the day. Why is it the OP's job to make her dh and his mate happy when they won't be lifting a finger to help?

And anyway, the OP has updated and the friend is being invited in the evening and for Boxing Day, which seems fair.

BashfulBunny · 28/11/2017 09:31

Wow.
OP YA absolutely NBU.

The lack of understanding on here for people who are socially reserved is unbelievable. Do you smug people not understand that it can be utterly debilitating or panic-attack inducing to be forced into the company of strangers, especially in a space that you anticipated to be safe and familiar?

My OH is painfully shy. It does not make him a horrible person. I suspect he is borderline autistic. He is also lovely, funny, caring and wonderful. When he is relaxed with friends, it is a joy to see him at his best. When he is with strangers, he clams up and wants to run away. This happened when we were invited to my DB's for Christmas and it was horrible for him. I'm not going to ask him to go again even though it means I won't see my DB this year.

Your DH has been very thoughtless. I suspect he is thinking primarily of himself and that if you have your DSis/BiL there, then he wants a mate as well. From RTFT it sounds like he's laying the groundwork to bugger off under the excuse of having a friend he has to entertain. He's forgetting that you [b]both[/b] invited your DSis/BiL and you are [b]co[/b]-hosts.That there are 5 children there, makes his selfishness even more obvious.

You have suggested an extremely gracious compromise and I hope it works with your DSis/BiL /the children.

mumindoghouse · 02/12/2017 23:50

I’d let him come. We’ve always opened our home to others at Christmas if they’d be on their own, and although being asked I guess would be nice if that’s the way you guys usually work, spontanaity has its own rewards.

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2017 17:56

This has actually just happened to me now, my stepdaughter has just asked me if a friend, who is unable to go home from Uni for Xmas, can join us on our skiing holiday over Xmas (we are going skiing in the country where she is at Uni). No problem and I didn't ask DH before saying yes (but I am not cooking! We are going out to a restaurant on Xmas day!). I don't like to be judgemental but I would have found it plain weird to say no.

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