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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

542 replies

Robyrollover · 23/11/2017 22:01

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Ethylred · 24/11/2017 19:49

You're being unpleasant to your husband.

CakeForBreakfast · 24/11/2017 20:39

You were not being unreasonable, your husband acted the benevolent friend but on the back of your labour.

I suppose he has redeemed himself somewhat from your update.

I hope you will never tolerate being called a bitch again.

RaspberryOverload · 24/11/2017 21:06

OP, great to see you and your DH have come to an agreement.

My DD has social anxiety. Yes, she can just about cope with people she doesn't know, but it takes a lot of emotional energy for her to do so and she can't relax. And Christmas Day is about relaxing for us. If we were still with Ex and he did this to us, I'd have ripped him a new one.

Having said that, I would consider inviting someone for Xmas, I'd just want to get to meet them ahead of the day to introduce them to DD to help with DD's anxiety. While she's 17, she deserves consideration as well. I can't invite people this year, we are at my parents, but in future years, DD, DS and I would consider it, certainly. Until then, we've made a donation to Crisis at Christmas, to ensure a homeless person gets a seat at a table for Xmas dinner and other stuff.

And for those people who bleat about no one should be alone Xmas Day it would have been very interesting to see you trying to cope with my late, unlamented grandfather. A nasty, vicious, wife and child beating bastard who scared me and my DBro rigid when we were kids. No social graces, gave off unpleasant vibes and spoiled every occasion. You people wouldn't have taken any chance of having this man around your children. He did the world a huge favour by dying.

There are definitely some people who should be alone at Xmas, they really don't deserve the consideration.

noeffingidea · 24/11/2017 21:30

Etheylred you're being unpleasant to your husband.
In what way?

Booie09 · 24/11/2017 21:47

Starting to fucking hate Christmas! Bloody guilted into having practical strangers in your house and all being fucking false friendly to people who you wouldnt give the time of day to normally!

ForalltheSaints · 24/11/2017 21:54

I'm glad to read that a better option than the first seems to be the outcome. I would not want someone at Christmas lunch whom both of us were not happy to have around the table.

Topseyt · 24/11/2017 22:49

You're being unpleasant to your husband

Errrm, not sure how you worked that one out. I would even say that it is the other way around. The husband was being unpleasant to his wife.

OP's DH thoughtlessly and unilaterally invited a friend who is hardly known to the OP and not at all to her family to Christmas Dinner, which OP would be cooking. He then called OP a bitch when she wasn't happy about that. That was pretty unpleasant of him really, but even he seems to have accepted that now and apologised.

eweMustBeJoking · 25/11/2017 02:19

Why do you get to say 'no' and your husband doesn't get to say 'yes'? What process in your relationship gave you the veto?

I'd have expected DH to ask me first but would have said yes. I'm nice like that and wouldn't want to think of someone alone on Christmas Day.

My father once invited 14 staff to Christmas dinner who had had to work in the morning. His company and a nice thing to do. I was 11 or 12 and remember both his kindness and having a great Christmas.

MinervaSaidThar · 25/11/2017 02:32

Why do you get to say 'no' and your husband doesn't get to say 'yes'? What process in your relationship gave you the veto?

Because her husband will be sitting on his arse while OP does all the work and would have had run to around after him AND his friend.

I'm nice like that and wouldn't want to think of someone alone on Christmas Day.

Well, you're implying OP isn't nice, which isn't very nice at all. And the friend is not alone, he has family.

My father once invited 14 staff to Christmas dinner who had had to work in the morning. His company and a nice thing to do. I was 11 or 12 and remember both his kindness and having a great Christmas.

Who did the cooking? Was it your nice dad or your nice mum?

AlongStoryShort · 25/11/2017 03:31

So the friend has been uninvited?

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 25/11/2017 03:56

People please! Let's not bash the introverts! All that means is we need space and time alone to recharge from interactions with others. I'm perfectly capable of chatting away to a new person all day long, and they'd never know it's a bit uncomfortable for me, but it comes at a price. The next day I'll be exhausted. And yes, I'd be dreading it if I had to spend Christmas with people i didn't know as I guard my holidays fiercely (work can be exhausting for introverts too if we have people who constantly chat to us all day long) and that's one of that days of the year I can truly relax with my closest family. I'm even a bit pleased when mil goes home - we get on stupendously and she's utterly and completely lovely, but I still have to make a bit of an effort and don't feel I can go quiet and read a book when she's around like I can with my own parents. Perhaps OP knows this is the case with the in laws? Perhaps not, but that's another perspective from the introvert.
And op. No. 'D'h shouldn't ever be calling you a bitch. Does he have no respect?

AlongStoryShort · 25/11/2017 04:06

Can't you recharge on boxing day?

eweMustBeJoking · 25/11/2017 06:11

@MinervaSaidThar

My nice Dad. My nice Mum was a terrible cook. My nice Dad did the family cooking most days.

The OP said that the friend will be alone if not invited. I also didn't see where it says that her husband will be sat on his arse.

I think you're doing what a therapist would call 'projecting'.

Pemba · 25/11/2017 06:27

Yes the OP did say her husband does nothing. Back on page 2 - RTFT.

BlondeB83 · 25/11/2017 06:34

YABU. Good will to all men and all that! FFS.

Psychobabble123 · 25/11/2017 06:43

So basically the OP has got her own way and her husbands wishes don't count, because she is the one who's peeling the sprouts?! Awful attitude. Poor bloke, not a chance will he come now, it will be blindingly obvious that the OP doesn't like him when the original offer is rescinded

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 25/11/2017 06:51

I couldn't enjoy my Christmas Day now knowing that man is on his own - poor sod.

More the merrier is my camp too. My mum once invited an elderly customer from her work for Xmas day because he would be on his own.

Irony now is that h and I are the waifs and strays- no family and the kids are with their mum so Xmas day for 2 now Sad

BlondeB83 · 25/11/2017 07:06

I feel sorry for her husband, truly.

theDudesmummy · 25/11/2017 11:20

tinysparklyshoes I said that I can't imagine a situation where I would be upset by this, not anyone else. Of course millions of people would not be happy with this, for all kinds of valid reasons, social, financial, personality, family dynamics etc etc etc. I was just talking about us, not anyone else.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 25/11/2017 11:27

While you should've been asked by your DH, I don't honestly see what difference one more person will make. I've invited my ex so that he's not alone on Christmas day.

Your DH was BU by calling you a bitch. Not cool.

Whinesalot · 25/11/2017 11:31

I'd be annoyed at dh for doing this without discussion but I think the only thing you can do now is explain the situation to dsis and bil and ask them whether they want to still come. I'd make sure to let them know how annoyed you are at dh but that you sort of understand his reasoning as the guy would have been alone.

Whinesalot · 25/11/2017 11:32

Oops didn't read the latest bit. That's probably a good compromise.

MinervaSaidThar · 25/11/2017 11:34

The OP said that the friend will be alone if not invited. I also didn't see where it says that her husband will be sat on his arse.

Well, if you RTFT, you'd see that it was the DH who said friend would be on his own, but OP had doubts. He does have family. And OP did say her husband doesn't help with Christmas.

I think you're doing what a therapist would call 'projecting'.

No, both my dad and DH don't see hosting as women's work. You're the one projecting your dad onto OP's husband.

Katherine2626 · 25/11/2017 17:32

Bit mean...could you enjoy the day knowing he is sitting alone with a tin of beans and the TV? If your BIL is reserved, then he can continue to be so - as long as DH's friend doesn't invite him to do a slow foxtrot round the dinner table he can surely cope with one more person? Goodwill to ALL men and all that!

lastofthewintergin · 25/11/2017 17:46

I would be annoyed. But on the other hand I’d know it’s a really kind thing to do and I shouldn’t be annoyed. I’m sure it will work out ok and think of the karma points Smile

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