DH just invited his mate over for Christmas Day

[Robyrollover]

Just told me. Asked him whilst out at the weekend apparently. He's going to be on his own if not.

We already have my Dsis and family joining us, who have never met this friend, and aren't social by any stretch. BIL in particular is quite reserved.

I have said categorically no, it will be awkward for everyone (even I don't know him well, it's been well over a year since I've socialised with him), but he can come Boxing Day. I appreciate it's not in the spirit of Christmas, and if it wasn't for my Dsis I'd welcome him with open arms. Dh says I'm being a bitch.

So, over to you Mn... AIBU to say no?

This thread is batshit!

Since when is it bitchy and horrible to have consideration for the fact that already invited guests would be made to feel horribly uncomfortable by the addition of a stranger to the meal?

Some people like meeting random strangers, some people really hate it. It doesn't make them bad people.

ffs they're adults. Why would they feel bad
One could just as easily say the same about a person who spends Christmas day on their own. It really depends on the individuals.
My daughter is actually autistic and if this had happened in our family then I would have had to cancel the invitation to the friend. There is no way my daughter would have been able to handle an extra person in the house.
Now she is an extreme example but many people are borderline who do find socialising and making small talk stressful and difficult.
Conversely, some people would not find being alone on christmas day lonely or depressing, while others would. Some people enjoy their own company, other people just aren't particularly bothered about celebrating christmas and don't feel the need to do christmassy things.
Both viewpoints are valid, neither is wrong or right. People are just different.

Nasty - poor man. And I speak as the DD of a woman who infuriated us all for years by hauling strangers to the festive table. It's OK, you know, and lasting friendships were made, funnily enough.

Morphene
This thread is batshit!

Since when is it bitchy and horrible to have consideration for the fact that already invited guests would be made to feel horribly uncomfortable by the addition of a stranger to the meal?

Because unless there are SN in play, it's not fucking normal for your WHOLE Christmas to be ruined just because of the presence of an additional person. It's not normal to not be able to be in a room with someone you don't know. For it to impact on you this much. How these people function in everyday life is beyond me.

Sometimes it really doesn't work to invite someone else to Christmas Dinner, with the best will in the world. My brother can be very difficult to have here, with his MH problems and difficult history with us.

It's so important to discuss these things with your OH before issuing the invitation.

YANBU

I'm more furious that he didn't check with me first
YANBU to be peed off with him over that. Totally out of order, especially as you consulted him before inviting your family and you're the one doing all the work!

I do everything. DH doesn't particularly 'get' Christmas so I'm left with everything...In the middle of that, I'm running around trying to keep everyone happy, watered and fed
Why isn't your DH doing half? As Mike has said, he'll be busy with his mate and you'll be left with all the cooking, cleaning, clearing away, and entertaining. Not fair at all.

I might suggest Christmas 'tea' for the friend then he can stop over and enjoy Boxing Day with us too
Excellent idea!

IABU? 90% say yes
And many of those don't bother reading past the first post and/or have very poor analytical thinking skills. Just because they're the majority doesn't mean they're not hard of thinking fuckwits.

eliza I'm not really a people person. Of course I can cope with being in a room with strangers...I can be polite, cheerful and even occasionally witty with strangers. But I'd rather enjoy my xmas day with people I know, eg. family, and can relax around.

I can cope with sharing xmas with strangers, but who wan'ts to cope over xmas rather than...well enjoy it.

So if my sister had invited me to hers, but then added a random stranger, I would probably say 'thanks but no thanks' and stay home instead.

There is quite a lot of gap between 'totally unbearable' and 'actually I'd just rather not'.

Because unless there are SN in play, it's not fucking normal for your WHOLE Christmas to be ruined just because of the presence of an additional person.

Why not? Honestly, why not? Because as far as I see it, the spectrum of 'normal' is pretty bloody wide without needing to go into the boundaries of SN. If I am a homebody who doesn't easily mix with others it is COMPLETELY FUCKING NORMAL. Maybe not YOUR normal, but it could be MY normal.

How these people finction in every day life is beyond me.
It's beyond me that people feel unable to enjoy December 25th on their own but there you go.

I feel so strongly about this that I finally gave in and joined MN (after months of lurking) just so I could voice my opinion.

No, it is not unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with "just" your family and/or closest friends. Many of us have trouble relaxing and enjoying ourselves around strangers-- or even just people we don't know very well! That doesn't make us freaks of nature or heartless meanies. Can we muddle through somehow? Yes, but it's awkward and takes a fair bit of the joy out of the occasion.

More isn't always merrier; it depends on the people and circumstances of the event. Even if DS and family weren't shy, it's reasonable to want a family-only meal, every so often.

OP's husband was (at best) thoughtless to invite his friend without checking with OP first. That would be enough to annoy me greatly, even if there weren't shy (already-invited) family to consider. It's one thing to discuss the possibility of asking the friend, another thing entirely to just announce that he's now been invited.

...But since the invitation's already been extended, unless I absolutely loathed DH's friend, I'd have a hard time rescinding that invitation. The compromise of inviting him to tea and Boxing Day sounds fair.

I see all the extroverts are out in force. Suck it up introverts, how dare you be different to US?!

teaandtoast

Just to clarify as one of the people who thinks she's being unreasonable, I'm by no means an extrovert

It has nothing to do with introvert/extrovert, which is always applied wrongly on here anyway,

It's not normal to not be able to be in a room with someone you don't know. For it to impact on you this much. How these people function in everyday life is beyond me

You can be perfectly able to be in a room with someone you don't know but not WANT to be. It has nothing to do with how you function.

It completely changes the dynamics and how you enjoy the day.

More isn't always merrier; it depends on the people and circumstances of the event. Even if DS and family weren't shy, it's reasonable to want a family-only meal, every so often. **

^This

It's beyond me that people feel unable to enjoy December 25th on their own but there you go.
Exactly. You'd think that if people could manage for 364 days on their own they'd cope with an extra one, particularly when they know that around the country many thousands of people will be wishing they weren't surrounded by arguing family and just had some peace and quiet!

Lighten up...its Christmas

Does your husband have to check other things are ok with you?

You are not being unreasonable. I would hate having someone I didn't know well round on Christmas day. Not everyone is so easy going with having guests around, and particularly as it seems you'll have to all the work ffs.

Skarossinkplunger why wouldn't he? It's kind of normal to check if things are ok with your partner if they happen in your joint home and involve both of you.

Does your husband have to check other things are ok with you?

In a reasonable relationship, both parties check. Especially if the decision particularly impacts the other person, as here, when it would be the OP expected to shop/cook/clear/entertain for an extra guest.

Not everyone is so easy going with having guests around

That's true - but I find that usually in life if I go out of my comfort zone it tends to be a much more positive experience than I had imagined it would be.

Be bold, be brave and enjoy a new experience.

Be bold, be brave and enjoy a new experience.
A new experience? Cooking and running around after an unwanted visitor? Going camping - new experience. Bungee-jumping - new experience. Being taken for granted by rude husband - unlikely to be new experience.
Be bold, be brave, tell your husband to have some respect for the feelings of his wife and family first. Then enjoy that new experience!

What a lot of bollocks extinct

I'm all for new experiences, but this clearly isn't one. She's entertained this man before. She knows her sister and bil. Her husband has sat on his arse doing nothing while she cooks and juggles the kids' Christmas expectations before (her husband doesn't get Christmas which apparently means he doesn't have to do anything except invite incompatible guests, call his wife a bitch and be hailed a Christmas hero by 3/4 of MN).

As Nike says the new experience would be kicking the misogynistic husband up the bum and telling him to start pulling his weight before he tries pulling the Lord Muck act for his drinking buddy and making the guests he's already invited feel uncomfortable.

Be bold, be brave, and enjoy a new experience

Yes have 2 men to run around after on Christmas Day instead of 1. Sounds fucking amazing.