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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a condom in boyfriends jeans pocket

661 replies

bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 08:54

I've just been through the laundry basket to put a load of washing on and found an unopened condom in the pocket of my boyfriends jeans.

We don't use condoms.

Aibu to think there could be a perfectly innocent reason for it being there??

OP posts:
NewMinouMinou · 22/11/2017 11:00

I think Polly was just making sure OP’s DP hasn’t persuaded her to give up work so that she’s totally dependent on him, while he gallivants about everywhere.

SnoozyMcSnoozeFace · 22/11/2017 11:03

I'm so glad you aren't going to snoop. There's so much room to interpret things incorrectly. Good on you for speaking to him first. At least then you'll have done your best to approach it like an adult, even if he is messing you about (which I personally don't think he is from what you've said so far).

Butterfr33 · 22/11/2017 11:04

Hi OP - First of all please ignore the comments asking why you don't use condoms? Why are you living together so soon? It's irrelevant to the thread and none of their business.

I'm going to be blunt - You don't use condoms together yet you found one in his pocket. Alarm bells should be riniging loud and clear. You have every right to feel alarmed and you didn't do anything wrong by emptying his pockets before doing the washing.

You need to confront your BF. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. You need to get the guilt of snooping out of your head because if he senses it, he will use it to his advantage and put the blame on you! Tell you you're paranoid and snooping through his things.

Be strong and ask straightforward 'why have I found a condom in your jeans when we don't use them' . Don't let him turn it around on you. Keep to the point. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 11:05

Im ashamed to say i've just looked through the tablet. I didn't find anything but the Internet history is set automatically delete. Nothing in his emails. He isn't logged on to fb so couldn't check that.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 22/11/2017 11:05

My office window used to overlook a beautiful Georgian square v popular with street prostitutes. Their busiest time was lunchtime mostly men in builders vans.

Angelwendy · 22/11/2017 11:07

Are you going to ask him? It will just eat you up if you don't. There could be a good explanation but your imagination will run wild until he reassures you. And if he has been playing away it will be obvious as his excuse will be silly and his body language etc will give the game away

TammySwansonTwo · 22/11/2017 11:07

Honestly, I've never looked through my DHs phone etc in the ten years we've been together. However, if I found a condom, I probably would - and if he found a condom in my pocket I wouldn't blame him for looking through everything.

I totally respect you for not snooping mind you. But be aware that if there's anything to find, it will be gone as soon as you tell him you've found this. It's a difficult one. Given the short relationship I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt until I'd discussed it.

QuilliamCakespeare · 22/11/2017 11:07

Astounded at all the people clutching pearls because you’re having unprotected sex after ‘only’ six months. Interested to know what they think the time limit is for doing this. Presumably you’ve had an adult conversation about your sexual history and any STI testing as necessary.

Back on topic - on the condom front. No, it doesn’t look good. I wouldn’t believe any ‘posh wank’ explanation - surely that would be the sort of thing one would do at home and therefore if wouldn’t be in a jeans pocket anyway?

DearMrDilkington · 22/11/2017 11:09

Don't be ashamed about snooping. Bit weird his history is set to automatically delete..

Greenkit · 22/11/2017 11:09

Don't panic, ask him when he gets in from work

19lottie82 · 22/11/2017 11:10

Another vote for wait til he’s home then conveniently find it in front of him, you will know if he’s lying by his reaction.

Original poster
bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 11:11

I've just found 2 more condoms in his drawer. Same brand, different colour wrapper so not from the same pack as the one I found.

Noting in any other pockets, jackets, bags etc.

I'm disgusted with myself for snooping but once I started I couldn't stop! I feel like I've lost the moral high ground now...

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 22/11/2017 11:12

Why would you be ashamed? You live with this person. What you've found is actually really not ok, and it is fine to check this out. I would think he would do the same.

Ok, good re the tablet. So, I would ask him when he comes home. Watch out for any signs of him trying to shift the focus to you - 'what, don't you trust me' - 'you're paranoid' etc. Red flag.

I'd expect him to maybe look taken aback a bit but he should be able to talk normally to you and quickly, clearly explain why that was there, with no strangeness or anger or hesitation or flipping his lid - if it is innocent. Anger is a bad sign - a signal that he doesn't have an innocent explanation and is flustered and trying to buy time and think on his feet.

Eeek, good luck.

grannytomine · 22/11/2017 11:13

I suppose he could have been keeping it there to use as a water carrier in an emergency, however I think the obvious answer is usually the right one. So sorry op. That was what I immediately thought. God knows where I got that thought from.

NewMinouMinou · 22/11/2017 11:14

In his drawer? He moved in with you, right?
Are they hidden? Or among clothes/gadgets? If they were easy to find then they could be just remnants of his life before he was with you.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/11/2017 11:15

Oh right, update. Hmmm.

You have NOT lost any moral high ground.

It makes no sense to be some kind of mouse blindly trusting someone when you find clear signs that they might have been cheating.

A sensible person would check it out. Don't feel guilty and don't feel you have to tell him this.

So - why in the drawer. The fact that they are plainly there, not hidden, is good. They could be from before you were together and I would probably not throw them out either - they aren't cheap, and he might just have idly thought that you might need to use them at some point. But he's not exactly hiding them.

Ask him about the pocket and don't mention the ones in the drawer.

RavenBlack · 22/11/2017 11:16

Slightly gobsmacked by the (few) responses on here that say people get married and pregnant within 6 months of meeting. Shock Not in any circles I move in. Where are they? 1933? Confused People don't do that shit anymore! Why WOULD you?

I bet these people saying 'some people are MARRIED (and even pregnant) within 6 months of meeting,' would go batshit if their daughter met someone and married them and got pregnant within 6 months of meeting. (Or even if their son did the same.) Don't pretend you wouldn't!

And I am not being judgemental, but I don't think it's OTT to expect people to still be using condoms 26 weeks into a relationship. It's hardly any time at all.

And as a few posters have said, what is WRONG with doing your partner's washing? Why do people assume women are slaves of drudgery if they do their partner's washing with theirs? Very odd.

Re the OP, if you don't use condoms, then it is very odd that he has one. I think he is playing away sorry...

Original poster
bigapplerecords · 22/11/2017 11:16

He did move in with me. They could just be left over from before we were together, but that doesn't explain the one in his pocket with the corner ripped off.

I'm getting myself all worked up. I need to talk to him

OP posts:
fruitlovingmonkey · 22/11/2017 11:18

I’d have a good snoop in this scenario. Don’t feel guilty about it.

NewMinouMinou · 22/11/2017 11:19

It does seem that he’s not taken many pains to hide them, though, OP. That’s a plus point, at the very least.

suzy2b · 22/11/2017 11:23

i moved in with my now x after 2 weeks and had a baby 9 months later never used a condom (was on the pill) we were together 14years

Tartyflette · 22/11/2017 11:24

Kerala I thought prostitutes generally supplied their own condoms as they don't want to lose a sale if a customer doesn't have one.
But this could be just hearsay - I don't have any direct experience! Grin

londonloves · 22/11/2017 11:24

Can you see what’s in his deleted items in his email, and is there a ‘restore’ option for deleted emails? If he’s using a hook up site there will be emails, he’s just maybe being scrupulous about deleting them...
Honestly I don’t think you need to feel bad about snooping, he has given you reason to.
(And I don’t understand why you’re getting such a grilling about the bloody washing, or the moving in together thing. Sometimes jt just makes sense financially/practically)

DearMrDilkington · 22/11/2017 11:25

Were they hidden under things in his drawer?

londonloves · 22/11/2017 11:25

Ask OP I’m wondering if you’ve got a friend or someone who you can go and see this afternoon to talk to and support you, or you might go a bit bananas at home on your own waiting for him to come back from work. I have been in your shoes and it is shit. Just remember it’s not your fault if he has been cheating x