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Original poster

Help me write a text to my DS? (Christmas Related)

192 replies

BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo · 21/11/2017 22:02

DS is 24, and has a 2 year old DD with his wife. DS has just enquired about our plans for Christmas, and as it's over a month away I don't have any. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.

He said that as I haven't got plans sorted yet and I can't say when I will have a solid plan as my DH (DS's dad) is in and out of hospital for various bits of treatment for an ongoing condition he has, DS has said that I can expect to see them sometime in January but he can't give me an exact date as "it's over a month away" (yes I see the irony of him saying that back to me). I already have no idea what to get GD as her other grandmother (DSs wifes mum) starts shopping in June and DS says his wife has bought all her presents, so they've got her everything she wants/needs. DS says his wifes work colleague gives her clothes throughout the year in the next size up for GD as the WCs DD is a bit older than GD so they pass down huge bags of clothes.

So can you help me write a text to DS saying that just because I don't plan my Christmas in June I should still be able to get presents for and see my GD. I see her every other week apart from when either my DH is ill or when GD (who also has a few extra needs, not exactly sure what but they're not serious from what I can tell) is in hospital/ill.

What should I say? And how can I do it without upsetting DSs wife and/or her mum?

OP posts:
SummerRoberts · 22/11/2017 21:53

Why don't you make your GD up a little Christmas Eve box OP if that's when you're seeing them? It doesn't have to be too much but you could put some Christmas pj's in, a hot chocolate sachet, maybe a Christmas book or little cup for the hot choc? I bet she'd be really excited to have that on Christmas Eve.

Firefries · 22/11/2017 23:28

OP - a bit passive aggressive still. I'm really not sure what to make of your comments. There are comments like - not sure about the nearest train station (to his house) might ask DS as he might know. Of course he will know. He lives there Grin

steppemum · 23/11/2017 08:51

well done OP, seems you are making progress.

I think that if you want to be closer, you will need in the future to work on being more positive and more open about how you wnat/love/need them in your life.

Maybe even sit down in the NewYear and say - Sorry, last x years been tough with dad being ill, and I realised over Christmas that we don't have as close a relationship as I would like. I would like to do something about that. I realised as well that becuase we don't wnat to worry you, we don't actually talk much about what is going on, eg with Dad. And we feel we don't know as much about you and yours in return. Can we do something about that?

Gruach · 23/11/2017 08:58

he might know which train station is nearest their house

But OP - you're on the internet, you can find this out for yourself!

There is a definite element of your every approach to your son involving them in more effort. Can you not drop the constant requests for decisions or instructions on minutiae? It is rather hard work.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 23/11/2017 08:59

Op, regarding your dgds diagnosis we have a cousin who was obviously disabled and only found out what his actual condition was around 10 years ago (( he was 25 by then ))

And that was only because my ds was undergoing a lot of tests and I managed to corner my Auntie.... we're a very normal, family. Some people just handle things differently.

SargeantAngua · 23/11/2017 10:16

*SummerRoberts

Why don't you make your GD up a little Christmas Eve box OP if that's when you're seeing them? It doesn't have to be too much but you could put some Christmas pj's in, a hot chocolate sachet, maybe a Christmas book or little cup for the hot choc? I bet she'd be really excited to have that on Christmas Eve*

From other mumsnet threads I've read that might be seen as treading on DIL's toes? Her mum may well already be planning that. Would be awful to get things wrong when the OP is working on the relationship.

Intomyarms · 23/11/2017 10:37

Gruach is tight. I thought the same but was afraid to say it. You don’t have to ask them what train to get, what to cook with baked beans, if it’s ok to use your absent daughter’s DVD player. Take the initiative. I don’t think you are necessarily being passive aggressive or apologetic but it sounds very indecisive and tiring g for other people. You are an adult. You can make decisions and take responsibility and just do things without seeing obstacles before everything. A friend of mine does that and it can be very tiring but she suffers from depression so we put up with it. Unless there are other issues you haven’t spoken about, please see every obstacle as something you CAN work around positively. Empower yourself.

isernamesarerubbish · 23/11/2017 10:51

Text DIL to ask about a Christmas Eve box, it could be the start of a new annual tradition! My pil never ask about my daughter who has multiple medical issues. It upsets me as my parents are so hands on. They haven’t ever made the effort to visit her when she’s been in hospital or even called to see how she is. When your gd is in hospital pick up the phone and ask how she is doing. Ask how they are doing. Go and visit her! Get your sister to take you, it’s her great niece after all. And watch mr tumble, he’s great for basic signs!

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/11/2017 13:07

Great news :) maybe ask about occasionally meeting for cake at a city midway as well (do that twice a year with my MIL and my DS loved going for 'fancy cake'.

lionguard · 23/11/2017 13:13

What a lovely update. Now you have a tentative arrangement for Christmas Eve! Well done

Changerofname987654321 · 23/11/2017 13:26

You remind me my MIL who won’t organise things to the last minute and then complains when we are not available. She is used to just organising Christmas for her DH and her adult DSs. But DH and I have a DD so we need to fit in seeing my family which involves my sister who in turn has to organise seeing her PIL who have to fit in around their children and partners etc.

When your family grows and becomes more extended you have to plan ahead to make sure you fit everything in. If you want to see your adult children at Christmas you are going to have to plan in advance and make it inviting.

Changerofname987654321 · 23/11/2017 13:33

A good thing my MIL does is she has a small selection of toys for DD to play with at her house. She gets them for charity shops so it does not have to cost a fortune.

Domani · 23/11/2017 13:43

Changer that's already been done Smile

GingerLDN · 24/11/2017 03:08

Rtft happy for you he seems to want a relationship. My impression is that he may feel you are rather uninterested in his family. I know there are reasons ie your DH’s illness etc. But everyone works, everyone is busy, we still need to make the effort for people who matter. It being a one way street is a horrible feeling for the one doing all the running. Maybe you could use initiative more and arrange to go there or meet halfway, do things. Your DHs view that if they care they will make the effort is true and by that token maybe they feel the same and they don’t feel you care as much. Shot in the dark here but if it upsets your son he probably vents to his wife and that’s why she won’t open up to you. I may be wrong. I do think though the only way for this to improve is to show you care. Put the emphasis on that and the presents don’t matter so much. Hope you get closer and enjoy your family time.

WellThisIsShit · 21/12/2017 18:19

I hope this all went well. It’s rare to see someone really striving to make things better. I hope you’re overtures we’re received well and this is the start of a happier wider family.

TigerTown · 21/12/2017 19:22

OP I’m so glad it looks like you’re making progress! That’s great.

There are some parallels to my situation with my MIL, so to give you the perspective of the DIL... I can see that you are perhaps worried about stepping on toes or imposing and hence you wait for them to initiate or you ask them to make a lot of decisions. When you have young children all of that additional thinking/decision making is just hard work and will slip to the back of their list. What they need is practical support, and for you to make the effort/initiate/suggest meet ups or offer to go to them. Otherwise it comes across as you aren’t that bothered about your relationship with GD or your DS/DIL.

In the new year reach out and say you’d love to see them and GD, can I come and do X on any of these dates? Give them some options or suggestions as it’s much easier for them to say yes/no/yes with these amendments as shows you are interested.
Good luck OP x

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 21/12/2017 20:01

What a lovely lovely thread. I'm have tears in my eyes. One of the sweetest things you said op, was.. I don't like to take dg away because I like to see you my son and dil as well.
My Mil very deliberately spirits the dc away and leaves us sat formally at the table. It's very clear they tolerate us due to gc.
I think you sound lovely op.
Just get lots of food for gc, a little range, toaster and naked beans or jkt pots etc. Cheese and plain pasta, eggs..all cheap and can be prepared in minuets.
Get some Christmas music! Put it on, create a warm atmosphere, have drinks..
Maybe a balloon for gd? Helium? One to kick round on the the floor. Ask your dil about her family, something personal.

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