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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me write a text to my DS? (Christmas Related)

192 replies

BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo · 21/11/2017 22:02

DS is 24, and has a 2 year old DD with his wife. DS has just enquired about our plans for Christmas, and as it's over a month away I don't have any. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.

He said that as I haven't got plans sorted yet and I can't say when I will have a solid plan as my DH (DS's dad) is in and out of hospital for various bits of treatment for an ongoing condition he has, DS has said that I can expect to see them sometime in January but he can't give me an exact date as "it's over a month away" (yes I see the irony of him saying that back to me). I already have no idea what to get GD as her other grandmother (DSs wifes mum) starts shopping in June and DS says his wife has bought all her presents, so they've got her everything she wants/needs. DS says his wifes work colleague gives her clothes throughout the year in the next size up for GD as the WCs DD is a bit older than GD so they pass down huge bags of clothes.

So can you help me write a text to DS saying that just because I don't plan my Christmas in June I should still be able to get presents for and see my GD. I see her every other week apart from when either my DH is ill or when GD (who also has a few extra needs, not exactly sure what but they're not serious from what I can tell) is in hospital/ill.

What should I say? And how can I do it without upsetting DSs wife and/or her mum?

OP posts:
pilates · 21/11/2017 23:03

Do you ever invite your children over for a meal?

GertrudeBelle · 21/11/2017 23:06

Hi OP, you sound v hurt and I can see why.

I can't add to the advice you've been given about your relationship with your son, but may I suggest this stacking toy as a gift: www.playmerrilytoys.co.uk/djeco-topanijungle-stacking-blocks-animals.

I had something similar. It's unusual, high quality, tidies away into a smallish box and was loved by my DSs from 18 months to 5.

Original poster
BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo · 21/11/2017 23:06

I don't mean to sound distant, I really do try to play an active part in my GDs and DSs life but I just can't get them to talk to me. I've asked both DS and his wife several times if they're investigating whether there might be an underlying cause to GDs problems, I just get told that she'll be fine so I assume they don't want to talk about it.

I offer to babysit but they always say it's not needed. I don't really know them.

I admit I've never asked DS about his wifes family but I was always told by my own mum that if someone wants you to know something they'd tell me.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 21/11/2017 23:06

I'd get her some nice toys (shape sorters, pull along toys sort of thing) and some books and put them in a nice little box to leave at your house. Just say to your DS that you didn't know what to get so you've got some nice things for her to have at grandma's and you can't wait to see them at Christmas or as soon as they can. Make them feel that they are important to you and that you look forward to seeing them.

Original poster
BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo · 21/11/2017 23:08

I do invite them over occasionally, but as they come over every other week I always make food or offer to get a takeaway (and offer to pay) which they usually accept.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 21/11/2017 23:18

Do you - or your H - ever talk to your DS about your DH's health issues? I wonder if the problem might be that DS and his DW think that you are both very caught up in DH's health. Or that you are perhaps all quite reserved people.

Original poster
BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo · 21/11/2017 23:21

We talk about DHs health a bit but don't want to go on about it because we don't want to bore them or seem self absorbed.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/11/2017 23:26

Just wondering what you do talk about.

You sound like a very detached family.

Original poster
BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo · 21/11/2017 23:28

We talk about the weather, our jobs (all 4, mine, DHs, DS and his wifes), our pets, friends, extended family (well ours anyway, DSs wife never mentions hers, I don't even know if she still has grandparents alive), home improvements/decorating, occasionally GDs Nursery.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 21/11/2017 23:28

Honestly it seems like that there may be a back story but you lack a certain amount of self awareness that you don’t even recognise that there is one.

ohsofunny · 21/11/2017 23:40

You sound so like my lovely mil. She is lovely, and I love her but god it’s like getting blood out of a stone!
But after 18yesrs of being married to her son I know it’s from anxiety - she doesn’t want to bore us, worry us, interrupt us or try to dominate us. So much so that it almost comes across as being uninterested. I KNOW she loves us, but it’s taken a long time!

Re xmas - it’s very difficult to make plans and accommodate everyone when you have wee ones. My in laws don’t make plans so as to be flexible but in reality it makes it more difficult! it’s very hard to accommodate an unknown visit or date to be kept free.

You can’t expect them to be free at the last minute ( although if it was me I would). Either make plans or don’t. But if you don’t, you can’t really complain about not seeing them

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/11/2017 23:53

I feel bad for the op; she is the polar opposite of the pushy nosey MILs often described on here and so is getting grief for not being inquisitive/interested enough!! If her DS and DDIL don't want to answer then they simply won't - in fact DDIL's answers sound very MN in how deflecting they are.

op, do get in touch with him to say that it's been hard to plan due to your DH's health, but that you'd love to see DGD over Christmas and would be very grateful if he/DDIL could look at schedules and see what might work. You might need to identify a few dates on your side and commit to keeping those free too, if possible. That will show goodwill.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 21/11/2017 23:53

If she really has everything she wants/needs from elsewhere, perhaps your gift could be to open a savings account and add to that.

Goodasgoldilox · 22/11/2017 00:02

Is there a book (or toy) that your DS enjoyed very much when he was little? Buy a copy - it will mean something to him and to your GD. There is much happy nostalgia at Christmas and it might help rebuild some bridges.

I would drive an hour to see a grandchild at Christmas - even just for a short visit. Why not arrange to do this - you could even go if your DH is in/out of hospital?

Goodasgoldilox · 22/11/2017 00:11

Or
Why not collect some lovely toys for her to play with at your house?
My DC loved having a box of things waiting for them at their GPs house. (They would ask for their 'mess')
They loved little figures - tea-sets - things for water play - things to knock down - they also loved bags/cases/boxes for putting things in and taking them out.

What about a box/case to pack for when she goes to hospital?

fucksakefay · 22/11/2017 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlossyShine · 22/11/2017 00:23

TBH I am on your son’s side here - and I don’t even have children! It can be hard balancing both sides of the family at Christmas as everyone’s plans need to fit in with each other. The logistics can be hard sometimes. I think you need to decide what you’re doing over Christmas and make some plans with your son and his family.

Also why don’t you know what special needs your granddaughter has? Haven’t you asked? Confused

CakesRUs · 22/11/2017 00:24

A nice day out or trip to theatre would be a nice present. Maybe you could book something for everyone when you can all get together, make a nice family dinner?

ReggaetonLente · 22/11/2017 00:26

GoGo’s message is really nice.

Italiangreyhound · 22/11/2017 00:28

I like Labradoodliedoodoo comment "I think you can just say you’re very keen to catch up over xmas and can they let you know what DG would like gift wise."

I hope your husband will be better soon.

Floppybunny · 22/11/2017 00:37

I suspect your son's version of this story would read very different to yours.
He asked what your plans are for Christmas, a month before, and you basically blew him off. I'd be pissed off too tbh and think you couldn't be arsed. You sound quite self absorbed, and you seem to not really care for them very much.

Intomyarms · 22/11/2017 01:07

It is difficult to respond without knowing what past years have been like? Do you spend it together? Do you visit? Do they visit?

What you have written is difficult to interpret as anything other than complaining that whatever you buy your GD will be the wrong thing because she has everything already when really the issue isn't about a gift at all is it?

They don't really talk about GDs conditions, so I'm not really sure what exactly is wrong with her, I know she's non verbal, still in nappies and wears glasses and hearing aids but that's about all I know. Similarly they don't ask about DHs health conditions either.

This is the real issue. For whatever reasons you don't confide in each other and you aren't friends with each other.

You need to either take steps to resolve this (I know this is very easy to write and very difficult in reality) or accept it.

If you'd like to see your GD before Christmas, you need to let them know when you are available so they can make plans in the run up to Christmas. Saying you don't know what your plans are means you aren't' giving any indication of when you are free to arrange something or expect them to re-arrange plans they make in the meantime to fit into your schedule.

Being very honest, you sound like quite hard work and I imagine there is a backstory to all this.

steff13 · 22/11/2017 01:13

It is possible that your DIL thinks you don't like her, because of your aloofness?

Also, I agree with Floppy, I would suspect your son's version of things is quite different.

Intomyarms · 22/11/2017 01:18

DH will talk to both DC if they're here, texts them occasionally but thinks it's up to them if they want a anymore of a relationship with me and him so won't invite them over/out.

My other post might have sounded quite harsh but ^^ is my situation with my own family. Being frank, it is a shit situation. It is like having parents who want as little to do with you as possible/who just can't be bothered now you are no longer their responsibility. Unless there are drastic reasons, why have children if you don't want to be friends with them as adults.

It hurts terribly to be the child of such parents. It eats your confidence, makes you feel worthless and affects all your relationships with other people.

worridmum · 22/11/2017 01:25

Please people read the OP posts she has asked numerous times but always get deflected answers aka they don't want to tell the OP so how on earth can the OP learn about her GD illness if they wont tell her? As some people do not like telling anyone about disabilities (even to close family and friends as they are some very private people)

Is the OP meant to have mind reading capabilities?