Help me write a text to my DS? (Christmas Related)

[BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo]

DS is 24, and has a 2 year old DD with his wife. DS has just enquired about our plans for Christmas, and as it's over a month away I don't have any. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.

He said that as I haven't got plans sorted yet and I can't say when I will have a solid plan as my DH (DS's dad) is in and out of hospital for various bits of treatment for an ongoing condition he has, DS has said that I can expect to see them sometime in January but he can't give me an exact date as "it's over a month away" (yes I see the irony of him saying that back to me). I already have no idea what to get GD as her other grandmother (DSs wifes mum) starts shopping in June and DS says his wife has bought all her presents, so they've got her everything she wants/needs. DS says his wifes work colleague gives her clothes throughout the year in the next size up for GD as the WCs DD is a bit older than GD so they pass down huge bags of clothes.

So can you help me write a text to DS saying that just because I don't plan my Christmas in June I should still be able to get presents for and see my GD. I see her every other week apart from when either my DH is ill or when GD (who also has a few extra needs, not exactly sure what but they're not serious from what I can tell) is in hospital/ill.

What should I say? And how can I do it without upsetting DSs wife and/or her mum?

Can you find a CD with fun songs for a toddler? I would then possibly say to DS that you would like to put some money aside for DGD in a savings account.

But I do second other Pps - you need to deal with your relationship with DS and DIL. It sounds very cool.

Is the OP meant to have mind reading capabilities?

Of course not, but the distance didn't start with her GD's disabilities. She hasn't formed a good relationship with her DIL, her son calls around presumably because of a sense of duty and not because they reach out to him. The OP will never have a good relationship with her GD if she doesn't have a good relationship with her GD's parents. And if she doesn't have a good relationship with her son and DIL, they aren't going to confide in her about their worries and concerns for their child. Because frankly, they haven't ever shown they care.

*they - the OP and her husband.

Sorry I would just accept that they probably don't want to catch up with you. Don't get bitter. Something has happened. People don't stay away from each other for no reason. Be nice to them. Send them some money and suggest they buy something nice for DGD and surprise them by being nice and genuinely wish them well this Christmas.
The more you do this and the more you offer kindness, the more they will be tempted to open their lives up to you. I hope it goes well.

There is clearly more to this then just Christmas, so please don't make it worse by implying it's somehow the other grandmothers fault.
From what you have wrote, it could be your husband that's the issue. If someone never bothered to invite me round and only spoke to me if I was physically standing in front of them, I would assume they didn't want to have any type of relationship with me.

OP, I get where you'rd coming from. You've tried re dg and you haven't made christmas dates yet. So what, neither have I. DH sounds a bit standoffish though but he's ill, or is he always like that? Just send a text apologising that you're late with christmas plans, but you'd love to see them all, which day? over Christmas, can you call round? Ask for ideas for gifts for dg and that you may have to come on your own cos of dh illness. That's it. I think people get too fixated at Christmas and make it too complicated. I used to be like that, but I'm more take it as it comes now. Our dd (26) moved out to houseshare just recently, i've no idea what her plans are yet and probably she doesn't know either cos she's like me. If she's spending Christmas day with friends I'll just ask her to come boxing day or Christmas eve. Same with ds(23) autistic. He has his own flat in supported living, he might not want to even see us Christmas day, it all gets too much for him. No big deal, he'll come when he's ready and we'll still cook a Christmas dinner, even it it's a week later and he'll complain because "Christmas dinner is just for Christmas day, don't you know?" but he'll still eat it all If you were all over your ds's family they would be calling you pushy, you can't win! Also, you have dh illness to work around. And it could just be that ddil needs her own mum at this time due to their dd's issues. So as my dd would say, just chillax. Send the text, take it from there and take care of your dh. Hope he gets well soon.

I do try and speak to my DS and his wife regularly but they're closed off. I'm not sure if it's because the wife is very close to her mum

You keep referring to her as 'the wife' or 'his wife' and not your daughter in law. Somewhere along the line there has been a fundamental breakdown of communication where you feel pushed out and disconnected from them and they feel you don't make enough effort to be part of their and your DGD's life because you are wrapped up in other things.

I think by your son asking you what your plans are for Christmas he's letting you know that he hopes/wants to spend it with you, or at least part of it with you. It's frustrating when your mother mutters about Christmas being ages away yet, and 'I have no idea what our plans are, I'll let you know nearer the time.' I had 20 years of it due to her dancing to the tune of her husband who had no interest in us.

When you have a partner and a family of your own it's impossible to plan Christmas that way and you just need to know. Someone who won't cooperate a bit in advance looks like someone who doesn't care whether they see you at Christmas or not.

Either phone your son & say something like i read your message the other day & we hoped to see you, dil & dd over xmas & new year maybe you could pop round for dinner boxing day (or something to that effect) if he says OK, then great if he says no let him know your disappointed by saying aw no OK we have to arrange something as soon as your free & is there anything you would like me to get dg for xmas as i still havent bought her gift. If he suggests something great if he says you don't have to get her gift tell him yes I do I want to.
Or leave it & just get your gd a little kitchen set, a tea set, a washing machine set, a ironing board set anything like this any two year old will love.
But I suspect the first option will be the one with the best outcome for you all, make the effort show your son you care & him & gd are important to you & your dh.

I agree with Astrid. Your son called you up to find out about Christmas plans and you said you had none and by the sounds of it didn't decide to set any with him right then. What were they supposed to do? Wait for you?

It wasn't ironic that he used the same phrase back to you, it was a deliberate attempt to show you how frustrating it is when people are vague about plans.

Certainly do not respond along thee lines of it bro g a shame or you being disappointas. He called you to make plans and you resisted. It isn't his fault that you will now miss out on a Christmas meat up.

I understand if you felt that you simply didn't know when you would be free, but that isn't the wording in your OP. I also find it odd, the way you talk about your daughter in law.

Leave the other gp out of this. It isn't a competition. Think back to what you've seen her play with.

I'd call him and say that you didn't mean to suggest you didn't want to fit in time with them and you realise that I might have come across that way. Ask thier plans and suggest a day or time that fits. But if it is too late then don't lay on any guilt. It is fine to not want to say your own plans but you have to accept that other people will set thiers.

But don't forget that dh is ill and in and out of hospital. I know what that's like, it's a worry and it takes up a lot of time. Also, OP has tried to find out what dg's health issues are, offered to babysit, sees them every two weeks, etc. It could just be as I said before, that ddil just wants to be close to her own dm at this time and I can understand that. It can sometimes take a long time for dmil relationships to develop but the key is to keep communications going and I feel OP is trying to do this. At the same time support her own dh.

I would consider writing a nice card to your ds and dil, explain how sorry you are that you have not been able to be as involved with your granddaughter. Explain that with your dh being so unwell, you are stuck in a cycle of endless hospital stays, visits, catching up on housework and caring for your dh. I am severely disabled and my dh, children and I are in such a routine, that days blend into weeks, then months, then before we know it a year has passed and we haven't spoken to or seen many of the people we love dearly.

Explain that your dh has been very ill, that you didn't like to burden them with your own worries when they clearly have their hands full. Tell them how much you love and miss them, that you adore your GD and are devastated not to have had more time with her. Explain that your DH's next treatment should hopefully bring a better spell, where normal family life can resume.

Have a look online for age-appropriate sensory toys, little ones with special needs love sensory toys! With your Grandaughter's hearing and sight difficulties, tactile sensory toys with vibration and visually stimulating sensory toys will be really beneficial.

There is great advice here on choosing toys for a little one with a cochlear implant. Avoid noisy toys which can be damaging,

cochlearimplantonline.com/site/choosing-toys-for-children-with-hearing-loss/

alternatively, my autistic ds and my neurotypical dd both loved the elc Happyland range at that age!

www.elc.co.uk/search/?q=happyland

you could purchase several of these early signing books. I used them with my ds and he loved them

www.learningspaceuk.co.uk/additional-special-needs-books-c345/signing-makaton-books-c437/childs-play-my-first-signs-board-book-p1846

www.learningspaceuk.co.uk/additional-special-needs-c1/hearing-impairment-c144/sign-about-p1853

www.learningspaceuk.co.uk/additional-special-needs-c1/hearing-impairment-c144/sign-about-p1852

My little boy learned to speak between signing and board books like this, I spent hours every day reading these with him:

www.amazon.co.uk/100-First-Words-Dk-My/dp/0241275814/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=my+first+words+book+for+toddlers&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1511327401&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/First-100-Words-Bright-Baby/dp/1843322927/ref=pd_sim_14_6?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=BA8ZY31ZFP0FNJXFVZB8

www.amazon.co.uk/First-100-Animals-Bright-Baby/dp/1843323443/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=H5XWGJ7SW41TSCE9D2SY

www.amazon.co.uk/Colours-Numbers-Shapes-Bright-Lift/dp/1783412496/ref=pd_sim_14_6?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=28T4M8DT2ADVGT2Y4SJG

www.amazon.co.uk/First-Busy-Home-Learn-Board/dp/1409374785/ref=pd_sim_14_38?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=J2NSHGS0HPQ5CZV9S5DF

Alternatively there are beautiful little dolls and soft toys out there

www.petalinadolls.co.uk/dolls/bonikka-carry-cot-with-blanket.htm

This is my favourite for the age group

www.petalinadolls.co.uk/dolls/kathe-kruse-puppa-milena.htm

there are loads to choose from in your gd's age range

www.petalinadolls.co.uk/dolls/?filter_age_0=2-years&filter_age_1=18-months&filter_age_2=12-months

Just tell your ds that you want to spend more time with them. Tell your ds and dil how proud you are of your gd and of them as they are doing a fantastic job. Ask if there is anything you can help with/ learn to help you communicate with your gd (e.g. taking Makaton classes). Let them know that you love and are interested in your gd.

Your approach right now isn’t working, is it? So you want to do something about it, right?

All your life, you’ve been surrounded by people - your dh and mother, who have taught you to fit in and not make a fuss.

Your son has lived this experience too. The difference is now he’s married into a very different family. One, that communicates and is straight forward. One where members say what they want and how they feel.

Your not wanting to step on toes, to try to fit in, to not be nosy is coming across as non commital, closed, distant and uncaring. You’ve now gone into defensive mode, retreated more into your shell and pitching yourself against the inlaws. This isn’t going to work.

What’s needed is honest, open, loving communication. I like the text suggested by Gogobo said last night.

I understand that they don’t want to talk about your dgd. Perhaps they don’t talk about it with her parents either. Or perhaps they don’t think you care enough to confide in you. That’s for you to try to change their perception.

Brilliant advice and links Caledonian Are you sure you're not on commission for all those toys and gifts?

I also think DS asking what the OP was doing for Christmas was an invitation to make plans together.

I'm too wondering if the ds feels snubbed in terms of Christmas.
He was clearly ringing up wanting to know plans because he wanted to spend time with you with DGD and you blew him off really. Couldn't you have just said pop down on Christmas Eve or Boxing day if you are available.
Assuming he's not stupid and knows his Dad is ill and this may need to change if he's in hospital. (that said still no reason why they couldn't come over as visiting hours aren't all day usually) Doesn't have to be for Christmas dinner.

Regarding the special needs. It's possible she's just non verbal because of her hearing. There could be nothing more than that or it could be there's no diagnoses. Diagnoses can take such a long time.

To me the most telling part of this is that GD is ‘still in nappies’ - this isn’t unusual at all for a two year old and the fact that OP has mentioned it makes me wonder if this is something she’s made a big deal of to DS/DIL, that perhaps she’s had form for judgement/interference in the past and maybe that’s why DS/DIL keep saying GD ‘will be fine’ because OP has a dismissive attitude towards her granddaughter.

A lottie doll or teddy with a hearing aid might be appreciated- toys like me have a website with ideas.
If she's often an inpatient what about a small suitcase with 'special' things in for hospital stays- colouring or sticker books, dressing gown, pyjamas, wash bag, blanket?

I think the telling comment is somewhere in the middle where you say your DH doesn't invite them over or out and is of the opinion that your kids will contact you when needed. But how odd. Is that how you are with other people? Friends? Do you not contact them every so often to see how they are/invite them over/make plans ? Then why this odd coldness with your kids?

I suspect, based on your many replies that

1. You never make the first move and so they don't want to ask and assume you are not interested.
2. Your DS did make an effort and was rebuffed and now thinks you can't be bothered.
3. You never got to know your DIL. She will tell you about her family if you make her feel part of yours and say open up about yours. If you have stilted conversations then she is hardly likely to confide in you.

If she is non verbal and has hearing aids, how do you communicate with your GD? Does she know Makaton? Have you learned the basics for her? Everything in your family seems very duty bound and rule bound and a tiny bit stifling.

You say you don’t plan Christmas because it’s over a month away but most people do want to plan at least a month out especially when they have multiple families to co-ordinate as well as ensure plans are not too manic so that the Christmas break from work can be relaxing and not just driving from one to the next.

Can you not propose a day over Xmas but say that obviously if your dh is in hospital or anyone has a cold etc, you may have to cancel last minute?

And glasses and hearing aids in an adult may not be 'serious' but are life changing for a two year old who is already behind her peers verbally. Your dismissive attitude and your 'still in nappies' (which is normal) comment makes me wonder whether you don't appreciate the seriousness of her condition and how exhausting it is to subject a small child to repeated hospital visits. And because you don't, they just downplay it.

I think you need to be more active, as your passivity is coming across as not being interested.

Give them a couple of dates over Christmas when you'd like to see them. Don't ask them what DGD needs for Christmas, you go out and pick something. It's annoying being the one who thinks for everyone - take some control.

Gift ideas:
A recording bedtime book with your voice so she gets more used to hearing you.
A family photo session for them.
Trip to the zoo/aquarium
If in London, trip to the science museum (they have great exhibits for young toddler last time we went).
Have a look at local pool hires for the family (often people will hire out their family swimming pool through companies which are great for additional needs as it'll be quieter, less issues with illness and can be child lead)
It'll be time more than toys she'll forget about.
But ask for a Sunday near Christmas. At 2, my DS loved cake decorating (have runny icing and sprinkle bits). Or a winter Christmas picnic at a local park (hot chocolate with marshmallows in thermos, sausage rolls, apple pies etc).
Ask for one of a couple of dates and if DH does end up needing to go in, be honest and ask to reschedule if your DH is unable to attend alone.

Ignore my ideas, Caledonian ideas are perfect

Do you or your dh ever go to visit them?

It sounds like there's crossed wires on both sides and you're all too afraid to say what's wrong. Ds text while childish is letting you know he's not happy with the way things are. Talk to him properly, say you're upset too at not been able to make plans for Christmas yet due to dh appointments but that as soon as you know you'd love to make arrangements.

I haven't read your whole three but I'm shocked how little you know about your gd health conditions , I have 2 dd's with similar needs and my mum has been my rock supporting us through diagnosis, I speak to her on the phone a couple times a week (never by text). I don't think it's too early to know what you are doing for Christmas, I would be going out of my way to make sure I would be seeing my son and gd in your situation. I'm not surprised you don't have a great relationship with your son, you sound like a hard person to communicate with, I doubt things are likely to change any time soon. I hope your son and his family have a nice Christmas.