Help me write a text to my DS? (Christmas Related)

[BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo]

DS is 24, and has a 2 year old DD with his wife. DS has just enquired about our plans for Christmas, and as it's over a month away I don't have any. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.

He said that as I haven't got plans sorted yet and I can't say when I will have a solid plan as my DH (DS's dad) is in and out of hospital for various bits of treatment for an ongoing condition he has, DS has said that I can expect to see them sometime in January but he can't give me an exact date as "it's over a month away" (yes I see the irony of him saying that back to me). I already have no idea what to get GD as her other grandmother (DSs wifes mum) starts shopping in June and DS says his wife has bought all her presents, so they've got her everything she wants/needs. DS says his wifes work colleague gives her clothes throughout the year in the next size up for GD as the WCs DD is a bit older than GD so they pass down huge bags of clothes.

So can you help me write a text to DS saying that just because I don't plan my Christmas in June I should still be able to get presents for and see my GD. I see her every other week apart from when either my DH is ill or when GD (who also has a few extra needs, not exactly sure what but they're not serious from what I can tell) is in hospital/ill.

What should I say? And how can I do it without upsetting DSs wife and/or her mum?

I feel like banging my head against a brick wall. It's about the TONE of something. Yours sounds very distant. It's how I would message a school mum, not my blood relation. But since you have made it 100% clear that you have a formal relationship with your son then why are you so surprised that he and they maintain their distance? That's what you taught him, isn't it? To be at arm's length almost? And something your DH insists on doing now.

I am willing to bet that your DIL's family is more open and relaxed and he has realised that he's spent years (your son is nearly 15 years younger than me) living in a very formal household which is not the norm. It all sounds deeply joyless, which may not have been your intention, but it's how it comes across. He may have seen a different kind of family life and prefers it. And yet he was the one who reached out to you and was rebuffed.

My mum doesn't have a sense of humour either but she's not formal- she spent years changing my bottom and cleaning my snot and wiping my vomit.

In all your replies you somehow associate a degree of moral rectitude with your method of communication. As if being formal, polite and vaguely disinterested is morally preferable to being cuddly and loud and rambunctious. And also there is this inflexibility. This is who I am. This is how I am. And take it or leave it.

If this is the formal way you enquire about your granddaughter I am not surprised that they don't share too many medical details with you. It would be like sharing it with a distant relative who only asks to be polite.

Clearly you love your family but somewhere in all this your personality means that either they are unaware of how you feel or feel that you are not very interested in them. You can either say 'this is who I am' or you can try and meet them half way.

You sound like you couldn't care less. He asks you at the end of November about plans for Xmas and you act as if it is an unreasonable question...I imagine he is hearing "I don't care about seeing you and my GD at Christmas". The only thing in your OP you sound actually bothered about is the other granny buying her presents!
Neither do you sound remotely caring or interested in your GD's issues. Are you really surprised that your relationship with them is "fragile"?

Do you sew? One of my dd's favourite presents on year was a set of oven gloves, a tea towel and a towel for her kitchen that I hand sewed.

Your offers of babysitting have of course been rebuffed. You don’t make the effort with their child, you don’t have a good relationship with her. You don’t know her likes or dislikes or what interests her

How on earth do you expect them to leave her with you? Visit their house, get to know your GD in her own environment, surrounded by her belongings and in time, they might be very happy for you to babysit if you can do so in their house.

That may not be practical until your DH is well enough to go with you and drive you home afterwards unless he is okay to stay in his own overnight? Or ask them all to stay overnight in your house so they can go out for dinner somewhere nearby and come back to your house afterwards so they are there for their child. Let them sleep late the next morning while you take care of your GD. SHOW them how much you care and when they are reassured of your relationship with your GD and when she is older, she might like to stsy for overnight trips on her own if it is practical with your DH’s ill health.

In the meantime, start laying the groundwork, visit your son, DIL and GD and start making a huge effort instead of making wishy washy, impractical, non committal offers of babysitting.

My children are a little older than your GD and I wouldn’t dream of dropping them off for overnight stays even with my own family. Also take into account your DS’s hurt is probably due to both you and your DH, he might genuinely not want to impose because he thinks your DH is causing you a lot of stress. But do not send that proposed text. My in laws are formal. It is exhausting.

I don't have a spare room as my DD technically still lives here as she's at the local university but lives in halls of residence in the week. Will check what she's doing over Christmas. We downsized when DS moved out because of DHs medical conditions meaning he needed long periods of time off work so we moved so we could afford to live off my wages alone, so they'd have to share the sofa with the dog, not sure he'd like that . I'd happily stay with them though, as I know they have the space, my DH can't be left overnight in the 24 hours after treatment but with the right planning both DH and I could go.

I have tried to get to know my GD though, I do speak to her when she's here, ask her questions as I know she can nod and shake her head for yes and no. I just don't feel like I properly know her, as when I ask about her I get told she's fine and just like any other 2 year old. I didn't realise it was normal to be in nappies at 2 and a half, both my children were potty trained by their 2nd birthdays but I have never said that to DS and his wife. I suspect, from reading the responses here, that GD doesn't yet have a diagnosis and she may just be speech delayed due to the hearing aids although she's had them since just after her 1st birthday.

It's the small things though OP. It's a text to check she's well if she's had a cold, it's picking a small gift out that you think she'd like and posting it, or posting a managzine that she might like.

Being involved isn't about having her to stay or doing lots of babysitting necessarily. It's about seeming interested in the minutiae and seeming like your interested in the small details of GD's life

I would be heartbroken if my dm had your attitude to me and my dc’s . My dm lives 300 miles away, lives on a tight budget and has health issues. She also send us weekly postcards, sends magazines for the dc’s that her friends pass onto her. Skype’s us whenever she can and scrapes all her spare change together to go through an 8 hour train journey to us (we go and visit her too obviously!).

She could use all the excuses you have for not being close to her dc’s, but she doesn’t. As a result she is a huge part of our lives even though we only physically see her every couple of months. I will do everything I can to ensure I have a similar relationship with my dc’s and any future gc’s.

I ask her questions when she is here.

This sums it up really. Get in the floor and play with her, take her out for a little walk to the duck pond, make biscuits with her. THAT is how you will get to know her informally.

You have to work at fixing it without making it all seem like such a big deal.

I don’t buy into the explanation of ‘that is how I am, that is how I was with my own kids’. Can’t you see from the outcome that it didn’t work with the first generation and it won’t work with the second generation. You have to change, make the effort to be fun and relaxed. If you don’t, then that is your own choice.

OK, you're doing better, OP! Text your DS something along those lines (my MIL is formal and never shortens her son's name, but that's OK, just a quirk) - I'd not say "I can even make you a meal if you warn me" as that sounds a bit unfriendly, better would be "I'd love to have you over for a meal, let me know when's good for you all and we can pencil it in and if dad's treatment is put back we can think again nearer the time?"

Toys at your house, learning some sign language and offering to go to them sometimes would all strengthen your relationship.

I think your DH sounds as if he is a bit deliberately isolating and miserable and you've accidentally slipped into this too, along with the stress of managing his hospital stuff, and it's coincided with your DS getting married and having a baby and moving away and the distance has just developed. But it's totally fixable, and you sound as if you're up for fixing it so now you have loads of good ideas.

For Makaton signing, have a watch of Mr Tumble on CBeebies (or buy a DVD to put on for your DGD when they're at your house, or record some episodes). Justin and Mr Tumble are very popular with the 2 year old crowd, I find, and the signing is a bonus and useful for you too - and could spark some conversation about it in an informal way.

I'm tempted to message DILs mum and find out if she knows what language GD signs in, as I don't want to use a different language and confuse her as I know there are several different types (I googled sign language used by 2 year old and about 4 different ones came up). I've got her mobile number from when we did wedding planning for DS and DIL but not sure if it would be rude? Once I know I have very good internet access so could watch youtube videos to learn a bit maybe?

I do try and play with GD when she's here but it's very hard, you don't get much back and I don't want to force her to play in a way she's not comfortable with but I do do the whole pretend to eat or drink, answer a phone given to me etc. We don't really have the time to bake as they're only here a couple of hours plus I don't want to take her away from DS and DIL as I like to see and speak to them too, and I know they do lots of Sensory and Messy Play at her Nursery as I follow the page on Facebook and see the photos they post. However I do have a lovely garden, so I'm wondering if there might be a way I could make it nice for GD to play in?

However I do have a lovely garden, so I'm wondering if there might be a way I could make it nice for GD to play in?

Mud kitchen, OP.

Ask your DS what language they sign in. Or your DIL. I think they might think it odd if you bypassed them to go to DIL's mother...

But you could message DIL's mother and ask if she'd like to come over for a festive cup of tea over Christmas when DIL and DS are free too?

It sounds like you're willing to try but also like you're putting up obstacles.
Your choosing not to drive is of no benefit to anyone especially considering your dh ill health.
Your dh sounds cold and disinterested, has his attitude rubbed off on you?
Does he ever make any effort?

Presents wise I ordered some of "That's not my books" thought as they're quite touchy feely we could maybe read them together and talk about the materials and other things. I've also spoken to my sister who has a 4 year old and she's said to get a soft bodied doll or something so will have a look at some when I do the food shop on Saturday. I don't want to buy too much so going to get some chocolate or a selection box and then a gift voucher of some sort so they can choose a present for GD themselves.

What's a mud kitchen? Never heard of those

I don't drive because I drove for 6 years and hated it, I would cry every time a lorry went past us on the road and had many a near miss of being shunted because I did an emergency stop unnecessarily for a bird or a cat in the road. The thought of driving gives me panic attacks so I only do it if I absolutely have to. I had refresher lessons paid for by my dad but I still nearly ruined the instructors car several times. I'd rather be a safe passenger than an unsafe driver.

www.1001gardens.org/2014/07/20-mud-kitchen-ideas/

Basically a mud kitchen is exactly what it sounds like! You can make your own really cheaply and easily.

I'd rather be a safe passenger than an unsafe driver.
Good!

Forget about not getting much back from your GD. It isn’t about what you get from playing together, it is about what she gets from it.

Following her page is nice but it is passive and easy to do. Make more of a practical hands on effort. Go outside your comfort zone. Kids adore water play. So what if she has fun in nursery. It’s not either or. She can have fun at your home too if you set it up for her!

I think a lot of you on here are (perhaps unintentionally) telling the op off for how she personally comes across. As someone who was continually shouted at by her own mother for not being affectionate enough, I can tell you that that doesn't make anyone feel confident and socialable; it makes them self-conscious and miserable. Stop it please.

OP, I agree you should keep the message simple and direct. Maybe include one heartfelt comment at the end which you wouldn't normally say, like "I do love you all and wouldn't miss time with GD for the world - she is a wonderful girl and I feel blessed to have her in my life." Something like that - obv phrase it as you're comfortable with.

FORMAL DOES NOT EQUAL AFFECTIONATE!!

Some people just don't like driving, I have a friend who is the same, she gets so anxious behind the wheel she can only manage to do the school run and pop to local shops, I often have to drive her around if she wants to go thurther, she just finds driving terrifying.

I hope they agree to come to yours, if they do then you can arrange to do a few small activities with GD and spend some time finding out more about what she likes etc..

It's hard having children with sn's, I find going to people's houses with my dd's quite stressful and it's even harder if it's not my own family (I used to struggle with dh' family as we didn't see them often), it always felt like people were watching how I parent and judging me even though they probably weren't.

I think a lot of you on here are (perhaps unintentionally) telling the op off for how she personally comes across

Given that the entire point of the thread is how she will be coming across to her son, it's hardly irrelevant.

I think you may have missed the point entirely.

There's a difference between offering advice on how to seem a bit softer and kinder, and berating someone for not being those things already.

Some of us need a bit of guidance with shit like this, and dressing it up in 'Well I can't BELIEVE you don't do this already, you sound so uncaring, really my own relationship with my mother is so much closer; here are some tips' really has the potential to leave a person feeling like shit for their own social inadequacies.

I am probably taking this too personally, but I really feel for the op

Honestly it seems like that there may be a back story but you lack a certain amount of self awareness that you don’t even recognise that there is one.

I completely agree with this.

I'd never judge their parenting at all, I love them all even if I don't show it very well. I don't know what it's like to have a child with extra needs but I can only assume it's hardwork.

I had my text saved but not sent so I'll reword it to "Hi, DS, DIL and GD, Sorry about yesterday and not making plans, it's a bit hard with dads treatment. I'd love to see you all though if your free, best days for me seem to be Friday 23rd December, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day up to you which you choose, obviously might need to change if dads treatment gets moved but I'll let you know ASAP if that happens. Do you want me to cook? Does GD have a favourite TV program, as I'll set the box to record a couple of episodes so she can watch that instead of whatever I've got on, or I can borrow the DVD player out of (DDs name) room if you want to bring a DVD instead. Will be great to see you all, I do really enjoy the time I spend with GD, she's such a joy to be around. Love Mum xx"

Is that better?

I know GD loves balls, in the summer she bought some squeaky tennis balls with her and enjoyed kicking them for the dog in the garden, her smile was amazing, I'd forgotten that actually. What sort of toys with balls are good for this age?

That's a lovely text OP. Do send it.

(maybe add "best days for me seem to be Friday 23rd December, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day up to you which you choose or let me know if none of those work so we can sort something else,)

Ball toys:

www.sensorytoywarehouse.com/balls?xpage=1&xoffset=1987

that's great. But how about you phone him?