Help me write a text to my DS? (Christmas Related)

[BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo]

DS is 24, and has a 2 year old DD with his wife. DS has just enquired about our plans for Christmas, and as it's over a month away I don't have any. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.

He said that as I haven't got plans sorted yet and I can't say when I will have a solid plan as my DH (DS's dad) is in and out of hospital for various bits of treatment for an ongoing condition he has, DS has said that I can expect to see them sometime in January but he can't give me an exact date as "it's over a month away" (yes I see the irony of him saying that back to me). I already have no idea what to get GD as her other grandmother (DSs wifes mum) starts shopping in June and DS says his wife has bought all her presents, so they've got her everything she wants/needs. DS says his wifes work colleague gives her clothes throughout the year in the next size up for GD as the WCs DD is a bit older than GD so they pass down huge bags of clothes.

So can you help me write a text to DS saying that just because I don't plan my Christmas in June I should still be able to get presents for and see my GD. I see her every other week apart from when either my DH is ill or when GD (who also has a few extra needs, not exactly sure what but they're not serious from what I can tell) is in hospital/ill.

What should I say? And how can I do it without upsetting DSs wife and/or her mum?

That is lovely op. Maybe send the DVD section as a follow-up text so it's not too long? Also that makes you look more keen (which you are)!

YY to Contessa's suggestion - send the DVD bit as a follow up.
But it is a lovely text - just send it now!

DS is at work, and I'm about to go out to work myself or I would phone.

I've taken the bit about the DVD player out and sent it, will post if I get a reply.

Good work, OP. Hope you get a nice response.

That text is much, much better. There is some emotion in it!!!

Don't ask if they want you to cook. Offer to cook, but ask them whether they would prefer lunch or dinner.

You need to stop asking them what they would like all the time. If your DS has had the same rigid rules imposed on him that you had on yourself, then he will not ask you to do anything that might put your out in case you seem him as being 'selfish'. Start offering instead. It is easier to accept an offer, then it is to ask someone to do something for you.

Please start thinking of your DS's wife as your DIL. If you start the mental adjustment (even if you just fake it at first) then the relationship will have a better chance of developing further.

Oh and my DS was in nappies until he as almost 4. A little later than most, but I would not have considered him developmentally delayed in that regard.

Oh, and give your DH a big kick up the arse. If he honestly thinks that he can put up barriers between himself and other people and that they will come around and offer things 'if they really want to and if they really care' then he's being a dick.

When people are rebuffed and feel as though you are putting barriers up, especially if someone is ill, then they will feel that they are respecting YOUR wishes by staying away. Putting up a barrier and expecting others to knock it down is stupidity of the highest order. He needs to stop it NOW, especially with regard to his own children.

I imagine your DH is a bit lazy rather than a curmudgeon, OP mine is similar. No need for you to miss out though. You can seek people out and have fun; if he's too idle to do so then that's his lookout. Admittedly it is hard to feel motivated when you're ill, too.

That is a nice text. Follow it up. If you see something small pick it up and post it to your GD. If you see inexpensive little cards or objects with her name on them, buy them for her. If she likes a particular fruit, have it for her in your house whenever she comes. If she adores choc ice cream or particular biscuits have a little (if her parents don’t mind). Grandparents ought spoil their GC. Usborne have lovely farm books for that age that make animal noises etc. It’s the little things that all add up rather than the occasional big thing.

Oh that's lovely OP. Hope you get a positive response

OP, you’ve taken criticism well. I can sense that you’re taking advice on board, and that you love your DS and his family enough to try to adapt your style of communicating.

Try to be open with him, flexible, interested. Show him and your DIL that you’ll move heaven and earth to ensure you and GD have a lovely relationship. Could you tell them you’d like to learn some sign language to help speak with her? The more you show your interest, the more likely they are to be open with you.

The final text is actually lovely, far more affectionate and loving.

I agree with the posters who suggest getting some toys for your house for your DG to play with. I do that, as do his other grandparents, we also both have equipment in the garden for him to play with....actually his great grandparents have toys for him also. Part of the reason he is always so eager to visit!!!

Good luck.

I hope you've sent that - it strikes the right note.
You've made me think about my relationship with my MiL - all my efforts to set dates seem to be rebuffed or actually sneered at to others. (Thank you BiL - not sure i really needed to know.) So i stopped bothering. 6 plus visits a year (4 hour journey) have dwindled to just 3-4. Seeing it from your side i may try again.

Hope you get a positive response. It is never too late to repair or improve relationships. ‘Something Special’ on CBeebies is a good programme to record (lots of makaton!) Have a great Christmas with your family.

The 'That's not my...' books are lovely :)

This is one of the velcro cakes (in case you haven't already found a link):

www.elc.co.uk/play-food-and-shopping-toys/cut-and-play-birthday-cake/135605.html

Just noticed that link was out of stock - bad one to choose! But google for 'velcro cake toy' and there are lots more.

Thought I'd update as I'm on my break at work.

Did get a reply from DS saying he's working 23rd but Christmas Eve is free for them. I replied asking about food as he didn't answer that, asked if GD had a favourite I could make, she apparently loves anything with baked beans but hates fish and shellfish so need to have a think what I can make.

I forgot to ask about the sign language, will have to ask when I next see them which should be in a week or so, so will ask then.

Have got some of the That's Not My Books, will buy a doll and I love the idea of velcro cake, so will definitely get one of those.

How lovely- good news OP!

Anything with baked beans is easy! As you can make whatever the grown-ups like, add beans as a side and everyone's happy. Baked potatoes and stew/chilli/prawns fur grown-ups and baked beans & cheese for GD. Sorted!

Well done - you seem to have created a thaw - just with a text.

It is great that your GD will have her own 'mess' to come to when she visits. My own children are very grown up these days but still vividly remember the special mess that Gand G kept for them at their house.

I'd send another text asking about the sign language very soon. It would be lovely to be able to greet GD with some signs. I am sure that her parents would really like this too.

That's lovely OP!

When my daughter was that age, she had a little teepee tent set up in the corner of my in law's lounge, with all her "stuff" in it - she loved having her own space there!

That’s fantastic [ smile]

Well done OP! That’ll be lovely to see them on Christmas Eve! Something my mum has done for my DS, who’s about a year and a half older than your granddaughter, is to clear a little drawer in her house and it’s always got a few bits for him in it. She keeps a pack of his favourite biscuits in there, and sometimes she’s got him a little colouring book or a bouncy ball or something she’s picked up at the supermarket. He also puts things into it - treasures he’s found in her garden likes conkers and feathers etc, and loves that he has a special magic drawer in Granny’s house. In terms of the garden a mid kitchen as pps have suggested is a great idea, but just a couple of toys she can play with out there would be good. A big soft ball? Or a beach ball even? And in the spring maybe you could plant some seeds with her? My mum did sunflowers and rubber beans in little pots with DS last summer and he loved seeing how they were getting on when we visited.

Your son’s fast response and his suggestion of calling to you on Christmas Eve, the busiest day before Christmas for most, shows how much he wants you to be part of their lives.

Well done OP. Don’t overthink or stress about food. Just keep things easy and flowing.

Being able to sign to your GD is such a lovely idea. Please follow through on visiting them in their house too.

With both sides making an effort and showing how much they care, I hope things improve for you all and you have a happy and joyful Christmas.

All a very odd family dynamic, when my DS sees a speech therapist I’m asked for updates from my parents when my parents are in hospital I’m there asking for answers/ after hospital doctors appointments I aske fit details, they’re the same with me.surely that’s part of being in a family. I’d suggest sorting out a time you can make round Christmas and visiting them with a doll/ trike/ kitchen/books. Go into Mothercare/elc they will give you great suggestions. Small world stuff is great at that age especially if struggling to communicate to outside world

Those of you giving the OP a guilt trip (I’d be heartbroken - seriously?) get over yourselves. OP you’re doing nothing wrong. It sounds like your son has got the arse but it’s no big deal, we all have grumpy days. The only thing I would suggest that you do differently is perhaps alternate visits, but you’ve already come to that conclusion yourself.

I will definitely speak to my DS about visiting them, he might know which train station is nearest their house, they got a cat last year and I'm yet to meet her yet (I love animals!) but it does take a bit of arranging as I have to get DD to be home from University for the dog, but I can arrange something.

Just read the whole thread OP and so glad that you are going to see them.
I wanted to give you my opinion. We have 2 kids and a small family on both sides but my sister and I start planning Xmas early - sept onwards so that by now we know where we are going Xmas day, who is cooking, what days we are seeing people,what to get for presents etc.
Although you have your DH's treatment to think of your DIL obviously has her family and I guess is trying to make the plans for who to see and when etc. so for keeping that relationship going do as you have done this year in the future. Ask them what their plans are, invite them over and make them feel wanted. I still get really excited buying presents for my 2 kids and I'm sure your son and DIL love planning Xmas for your GD

And always ask them what to get her, ask for ideas, get an ELC catalogue and look for ideas and ask your son and DIL.
My inlaws only give money to my kids which is their choice and I am grateful but when they are 5/7 they want presents not the money and I feel like they can't be bothered with the effort of buying the presents. They don't buy for anyone and i think it's sad they don't want to buy for their grandchildren but I never say anything but feeling they want to be involved and are interested would be lovely.