Help me write a text to my DS? (Christmas Related)

[BecauseIDontPlanItsaNo]

DS is 24, and has a 2 year old DD with his wife. DS has just enquired about our plans for Christmas, and as it's over a month away I don't have any. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.

He said that as I haven't got plans sorted yet and I can't say when I will have a solid plan as my DH (DS's dad) is in and out of hospital for various bits of treatment for an ongoing condition he has, DS has said that I can expect to see them sometime in January but he can't give me an exact date as "it's over a month away" (yes I see the irony of him saying that back to me). I already have no idea what to get GD as her other grandmother (DSs wifes mum) starts shopping in June and DS says his wife has bought all her presents, so they've got her everything she wants/needs. DS says his wifes work colleague gives her clothes throughout the year in the next size up for GD as the WCs DD is a bit older than GD so they pass down huge bags of clothes.

So can you help me write a text to DS saying that just because I don't plan my Christmas in June I should still be able to get presents for and see my GD. I see her every other week apart from when either my DH is ill or when GD (who also has a few extra needs, not exactly sure what but they're not serious from what I can tell) is in hospital/ill.

What should I say? And how can I do it without upsetting DSs wife and/or her mum?

I appreciate you're not a planner, but Christmas is a big holiday that lots of people prefer to arrange in advance to, for example, use their annual leave in the best way, see everybody they care about, etc. Perhaps if he was asking you in September for a plan you might have a point, but to ask you at the end of November doesn't seem unreasonable on his part.

Planning something in advance might let him know you're excited to see your GD - refusing to even try seems a bit evasive. I'd avoid making comments about the other grandparents too, you're not in competition with them!

Kids can never have too many books, or I'm sure you could ask in a toy shop for help with a gift for children her age.

DHs condition does take up a lot of time but hopefully that'll ease up in the new year after this course of treatment.

They don't really talk about GDs conditions, so I'm not really sure what exactly is wrong with her, I know she's non verbal, still in nappies and wears glasses and hearing aids but that's about all I know. Similarly they don't ask about DHs health conditions either.

Do you talk about your husband's condition? Do you ask about your granddaughter's problems? It sounds like he is exactly like you - not willing to commit to a date due to other factors, minimising his desire to see you or do anything about it even though he obviously planned to spend time with you as he brought it up.

Could it be that you are both too alike to actually get your acts together? That you are both happy to assume the other is 'too busy' or not interested enough in making arrangements and let it slide for the sake of not wanting to rock the boat?

OMG how can you not know what conditions your DGD has?! No wonder your son is off with you.

Firstly you should be sitting down with him and discussing your DGD's health concerns and offering your help wherever you can.

Secondly you should stop being a martyr and having a pity party over the other grandmother

You are an adult, right?

We don't really spend time as a family anymore I do have a DD but she's away with her friends for Christmas, DH may or may not be in hospital. And I work as does DH, plus we have to be careful with DHs health so if GD has a cold or something they won't come round.

Bit confusing that in your op you said your GD’s additional needs aren’t serious but then go on to say she wears glasses and has hearing aids and goes to hospital?! Sounds like maybe the other GP’s are more hands on and offer more support than you do/can? To be honest, it does sound a bit rubbish that you haven’t sorted a time to see them over Christmas. Can’t you arrange something with the proviso that if DH is unwell or at hospital that you may have to cancel or limit the visit?

As far I'm aware needing hearing aids and glasses isn't serious, I wear glasses as does DS and we both lead perfectly normal lives, I also know DSs wifes mum has hearing aids (hereditary conditions maybe?) and works and is perfectly ok, so no I wouldn't consider her issues serious.

Re: presents. If they're not big book buyers, then picture books with big bright images - there's plenty around and the contrast will help her see them if her eyesight isn't great.

If she's non verbal they've almost certainly been told to read to her so the more the merrier where books are concerned - plus if she has lots she can cheerfully destroy them if she's left to play with them, a lot of little children love to turn the leaves themselves and it ends badly for the book!

Before we jump all over the OP for not knowing her gd's medical condition we should bear in mind that she may not have a diagnosis just yet and her parents may not wish to share it if she does.

We love a book called ‘You Choose’. It’s a picture book which is ideal for snuggling up to and letting the kids lead the way with by pointing to different things on each page.

Anyway, not much help re your relationship, but I promise the book would be well loved. It’s about a fiver on Amazon.

I’d text
“Hi DS. I’m really sorry we won’t be seeing each other over Christmas, I would love to see you, DIL and of course DGD. I hope my lack of planning hasn’t given you the impression that I could take or leave seeing you all. That’s really not the case and if it’s not too late I’d love it if we could fix a time to meet.”
As for the present...get some nice pyjamas, a soft teddy, some bedtime/picture books. Any number of things that are a small token of your love for your DGD.

You really need to talk to your son. You have a lot of issues with the situation (you don’t like the mil, want to be more involved) and he seems to have backed off (possibly because you seem hugely disinterested in his dd, I know you see her but, really, you don’t think it’s important to discuss her health issues???!!). Just sit down and talk, no passive aggressive texts, just ask him if there’s anything that you do that upsets him and tell him you feel left out.

You are distancing yourself from your son and blaming him for it.

I have up to £50 to spend on GD, so will definitely look at these suggestions.

I did wonder if maybe they either don't have a diagnosis for GD or if they do they're struggling to accept it as they really don't talk about her conditions much even when I ask.

I think this runs deeper than just Christmas arrangements. You don’t sound a very close family. Your DD is away for Christmas with her friends which is quite unusual. Do you make much of an effort with Christmas? I know some people don’t enjoy Christmas. My mother in law didn’t and never wanted to be included in our Christmas. And I wouldn’t write a text I would have a face to face conversation.

We used to have lovely Christmases and were really close and then DS moved out because his now wife was pregnant with GD, DD went off to University and I don't want to stop her plans by forcing her to spend Christmas with us.

Hmmm well wearing glasses and hearing aids at the age of 2 combined with the comments of ‘she’ll be fine’ and ‘treat her like any other 2 year old’ and the fact she goes into hospital doesn’t sound particularly not serious to me? Not that it especially makes a difference, just that your DS has had a child at a relatively young age who has some additional needs and he just sounds like he wants you to be more involved. There’s nothing here to suggest you can’t easily sort this but you seem to be quite defensive.

I don't know what to suggest for your relationship with your DS, but for a present there is a new Lottie doll that is a wildlife photographer with a cochlear implant. My friends daughter who just turned three has one and she absolutely loved it.

Present I would get a Paddington 2 DVD if it's out by then and a Paddington bear or The Highway Rat book and goodies as that's the Julia Donaldson animation on Christmas night.

I don't honestly know how I can be more involved though, I work, DH works when he's not in hospital, DS and his wife both work. And I assume they like to spend time with the wifes mum (no father, no idea why I've never asked assumed I'd be told if they wanted me to know) as well.

Barbarian I was going to say something similar. I know a family member who tells everyone all is fine, no issues at all. I happen to know (someone saw them there) they've been for genetic testing, and if you look at them you can see there's issues, but parents only say that all is fine no problems.

By suggesting a date to meet at Christmas like I suggested above.

Yes you work but there are weekends. Could you not invite your GD over and spend the day with her or take her out? Not saying every weekend.

Do you leave near each other? I find it difficult to understand why it’s so hard to get together if you really want to? You seem to be passive/defensive. Perhaps your DS needs you to actively show an interest. To commit to a date over Christmas with the proviso that plans may need to change depending on DHs situation. Does his DF show any interest in him or his DD?
If you really want to see DS and his family, you’ll find a way.

Live about an hour away from them. DH will talk to both DC if they're here, texts them occasionally but thinks it's up to them if they want a anymore of a relationship with me and him so won't invite them over/out.

There's just such a lot if distance in your posts.

And I assume they like to spend time with the wifes mum (no father, no idea why I've never asked assumed I'd be told if they wanted me to know) as well.

How can you never ever have asked your DS about his DP's family?

Cochlear implants, non verbal, glasses and time in hospital- how can you not know what the causes are?

You sound a bit hurt that they don't bother with you, or ask after your DH, but it cuts both ways, no?

I'm sure you'd feel better if you had an honest conversation with your DS where you cleared the air a bit?