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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex girlfriend and new partner, please advise!

305 replies

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 08:07

The relationship with my DH ex girlfriend and him is strained . They have a DD of 6. A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house with my DH DD which is fine but the ex is refusing to let DH know anything about him . Where does he stand?
Please help if you can .

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 14:39

Olivetappas Tue 21-Nov-17 14:35:45
Lost the point of the thread did u not ask me to back up my claim

your 'claim' is irrelevant to the original OP. Can you not see that in any way at all?

You are talking about someone working with children in a paid position.

OP is talking about the boyfriend of her partners ex.

The 2 are in no way similar at all, on any planet.

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 14:39

olive you never replied when I asked whose question was ridiculous or who said offenders don't re offend?

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 14:40

Nicky
Rachie
Nicky
Rachie

Having a hard time keeping up

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 14:42

Now let me ask you a question

Why do you feel dad should now know who is around his daughter and sleeping at her home while she is there

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 14:43

Not*

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 14:46

Olivetappas
Now let me ask you a question

Why do you feel dad should now know who is around his daughter and sleeping at her home while she is there

I don't. I feel it's much nicer for everyone if all is laid out so to speak and in an ideal world we'd all get along with our ex's brilliantly. However I don't live over the rainbow and I do know that many spilts are tense. Therefore I accept I don't have a right to 'demand' that my ex gives me details of his activities. Simple as that.

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 14:50

So u assume dads being nosey rather than concerned ?

Mynametodaywillbe · 21/11/2017 14:54

I can't believe this one is still going.

Anyone who knows what they are talking about (as many here do), knows that strange and frustrating and potentially frightening as it may be, no one automatically has the right to know where their children are, who they are with or what they are doing during contact with the other parent.

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 14:57

Olivetappas
So u assume dads being nosey rather than concerned ?

On this particular thread? Yes.

We suggested raising particular concerns with SS, but that was considered unnecessary. We asked what OP would do with a name, for example look to using 'Sarahs Law' and we were told 'just wanted a face to the name'. We asked if their were concerns about the Mothers parenting ability and were told no.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/11/2017 15:05

I would tend to agree he’s just being an Arse given that it didn’t take to long for the op to chuck in the part owned the house stuff

ArnoldBee · 21/11/2017 15:14

Yes in an ideal world of course this would happen where you would all meet each other and everything would be rosey but it's not. So if you knew the blokes name then where would it stop? If he's anything like me he might not have a digital footprint so having a good old Google might not do you any good anyway. If you do know his name and have a good Google and you find out he's a child murderer what would you do anyway? Having had exactly the same experience as you and your partner I often find that details tend to come from the child anyway in casual conversations.

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 15:32

OkHmm
my posts are based on a concerned parent
And the access they do have.

But if op has stated they have no concerns

then I'm failing to see why Iv waisted my time

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 15:33

Then Iv completely waisted my time **

Raraolala · 21/11/2017 15:41

Do you question the ex on who she uses as babysitter? Whether she looks both ways when crossing the road with kids? Whether she leaves them unsupervised with power tools? Do you ask to see her cars mot? Or do you trust her to not be an idiot unless other evidence comes to light which suggests the child may be at risk?

Battleax · 21/11/2017 15:55

But if op has stated they have no concerns
then I'm failing to see why Iv waisted my time

You mean all of that was based on you not reading properly?

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 15:56

Yes battleax exactly that

Battleax · 21/11/2017 15:56
Grin
mishfish · 21/11/2017 16:21

Hmmmm

Ok so in my situation- I had a massively abusive ex, and when I got with my new partner, he wanted to meet him and I refused- reason being I knew it was purely to be a complete arse to him, and use details he found out to stalk him on social media so I kept them apart as long as possible. He was so nasty about my partner to our DC that DC was too scared to even say my partners name in front of his dad 😞

I never insisted on meeting his (now ex) wife as my DC has nothing but sweet words to say about her.

My ex told everyone that I was the abusive one too.

In a normal, reasonable and ideal situation ex and I would get on and be open with each other and introduce new partners to each other before introducing to the DC. That didn’t work when one parent will use it as a tool to beat the other with. In my case I felt like my new partner would think ‘fuck being involved in this’ and leave me.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/11/2017 17:24

I hadn't realised people would be perfectly relaxed about a strange man in the same house as their small DD

I have had to put up with my children being introduced to god knows who (and so many of them) over the years. None of them decent others as far as I'm concerned. Never met one but all, without exception, have moved in with my ex within weeks with their children in tow. Not two fucks given about the safety of their children. Never really going to give a toss about my kids, are they?

Or does the fact they're women make a difference?

I know if I moved a man in after years (let alone weeks), my ex would be screaming abuse all the way to court. One rule for him, eh?!

WombOfOnesOwn · 21/11/2017 17:36

The single most likely person to abuse a small child is a mother's boyfriend. Children in houses with an unmarried boyfriend of the mother are 20x more likely to be sexually abused as children living in a home with both parents.

The idea that we have to pretend men and women are equal in this somehow is stupid and misleading.

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 17:38

womb No one is saying it doesn't happen. But apart from banning single mothers starting a relationship, people have to rely on a mother keeping her child as safe as possible.

Battleax · 21/11/2017 17:42

The single most likely person to abuse a small child is a mother's boyfriend. Children in houses with an unmarried boyfriend of the mother are 20x more likely to be sexually abused as children living in a home with both parents.

Right. So let's use those population-level trends to stigmatise ALL stepfather figures, to sneer at cohabitation v marriage and to suppress female sexuality, shall we?

How rational, how helpful to happy coparenting, how very statistically literate. 🙄

Hissy · 21/11/2017 17:43

strange man?

to whom? He’s known to the mother probably and possibly known to the child ... and most almost definitely never left alone with the child anyway...

If the mother is otherwise responsible, caring and loving and there are no concerns then it’s ok to trust her to make a judgement

After all... she chose the dd Dad ...

Original poster
Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 17:49

How can you assume she is never left alone with him?

And if we are to trust the mother that he's ok why then would he NOT be left alone?

Do you see?

OP posts:
Battleax · 21/11/2017 17:50

Do you see?

No, not really.

What checks have the parents run on you?